Talk:Zab Judah/GA1

GA Review

Lead

"Zabdiel Judah (born October 27, 1977) is an American professional boxer. He is a former IBF and WBO junior welterweight champion and former undisputed welterweight champion. He is ranked #6 in the welterweight division by The Ring." I would suggest combining all these three sentences. At the moment it says "ZJ is ... He is ... He is ..." I'd go for "Zabdiel Judah (born October 27, 1977) is an American professional boxer, who is a former IBF and WBO junior welterweight champion and former undisputed welterweight champion and is ranked #6 in the welterweight division by The Ring."

I changed it to your suggestion.

Are there wikilinks for "technical knockout" and "split decision"?

Yes and I have added them.

Amateur

"Judah attempted to earn a spot on the 1996 US Olympic boxing team. After defeating Ishe Smith and Hector Camacho, Jr., Judah lost to David Díaz in the finals, despite having defeated Díaz in the PAL nationals." Are these two sentences linked? I presume so. If so, I'd say it was worth saying that this is the reason he didn't qualify for the US Olympics team.

Yes they are linked and I've added that it did prevent him from qualifying.

Professional

"capturing lopsided decisions". What's a lopsided decision? And can you really capture it?

I changed it to After winning bouts...

"George Crain and Omar Vasquez in May and June 1997" Was the victory over Cain in May, and Vasquez in June? If so, add "respectively" after 1997.

added respectively

"Judah knocked Bergman down twice in the first round, but Judah was knocked down in the second round. Judah knocked out Bergman in the fourth round to win the title." Knocked down three times in close succession. I'd suggest re-writing. I'm guessing it's difficult not to use it, but there is a tendency to use this phrase a lot as the article continues.

Honestly, I'm not sure what you mean by this.

The term "knocked down" is used a lot of times in the article and a lot of times in succession in this specific example. I appreciate in a boxing article, you will need to use "knocked down". But are there any phrases which mean the same as "knocked down" and could be used as alternatives to reduce the repetition? Peanut4 (talk) 22:29, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I've changed the sentence so it's not repetitive. Rvk41 (talk) 10:29, 10 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I suggest you give the entire article a read through because it's used a lot during the entire article. If you can change a few, it would make the prose more engaging. Peanut4 (talk) 17:49, 10 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

OK I just changed some of the repetitiveness in the entire article Rvk41 (talk) 12:27, 13 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

"Mohegan Sun". What's the Mohegan Sun? Is it a boxing venue? Or is there a wikilink for it?

It's wiki linked in the first sentence of the IBF junior welterweight title section.

"While Tszyu celebrated in his corner, Judah was in disbelief of what just happened and became infuriated." Do you have a reference for this?

Added source

"The stage was set when Judah punched Baldomir on the thigh instead of touching gloves during the prefight introductions." What significance does this have? I think it needs explaining for the non-boxing fan?

Well traditionally before a fight the referee will have the fighters meet at center ring and give them instructions on what is allowed and what isn't. Boxers usually touch gloves in an act of sportsmanship but Judah punched Baldomir in the thigh, which is unsportsmanlike.

This needs some explanation in the above example then, even if it simply is to add "unsportingly" in front of "punched", and add "instead of ..." after instructions. Peanut4 (talk) 22:29, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I added your suggestions to explain the situation better. Rvk41 (talk) 10:29, 10 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

"That is when Mayweather’s uncle and trainer, Roger Mayweather, climbed into the ring, approached Judah and tried to choke him." "That is" is very informal, it needs a bit of rewriting.

I deleted "That is".

Who is Yoel Judah?

I have his name wiki linked in the Unification match with Tszyu and Personal life section.

Personal life

"Judah got into a scrap" also very informal. I'd suggest "Judah became involved in a fight".

I changed it to your suggestion.

"Two of the guy's" Guy is very informal too. Plus who does this refer to?

It refers to the person that approached Judah. I rewrote that part.

Who are the Street Fam Crew? And how does this link into the article - it seems to be totally isolated and irrelevant.

It's the gang that tried to rob Judah. I added this information in the section.

"rolled up", "hopped out", "scattered" all seem informal to me. That is unless they can be actively cited.

I changed it to sound more formal.

Overall

Are there any pictures at all?

I'll search but as of yet no.

Be careful of the boxing jargon. Remember you're writing for everyone, not just a boxing audience.

Hopefully, I've clarified some things.

There's quite a bit to do. I'll keep both this and the main page on my watchlist, but feel free to drop me a line with any questions or let me know when you're done. Peanut4 (talk) 00:06, 7 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

I changed all of but the thing that I'm confused on. Let me know if any other work is needed. Rvk41 (talk) 08:34, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

The language being used is quite messy, I for one don't recall Cotto actually "pouncing" Judah, "nailing" is slang which should be avoided as well. - Caribbean~H.Q.

I chanaged those slang words to more formal language. Rvk41 (talk) 08:34, 9 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Final review: GA review (see here for criteria)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Watch out to make sure you don't use informal langauge and / or boxing jargon. Obviously this entry needs an image or two before it's taken any further. But I'd otherwise suggest a peer review to see what else might need doing to get it to FA. Good job. Well done. Peanut4 (talk) 19:05, 13 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]