Talk:William Robinson Brown/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Malleus Fatuorum (talk · contribs) 03:58, 28 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments to follow over the next day or so. Malleus Fatuorum 03:58, 28 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, Malleus, look forward to your review. Montanabw^(talk) 17:12, 28 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"Brown was influenced by the Progressive movement in his approach to business, instituting many practices to benefit workers ...". I'm not sure you can really call "company-sponsored care for injured workers" a "practice". Why not shorten it to something like "instituting many benefits for the company's workers"?

Fixed with some ce rewrite. Churn and change (talk) 17:56, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Did a touch more cleanup, emphasis was on employee benefits. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Personal life

"His wife, Hilda Burton Smith Brown ...". That seems a bit sudden. He graduated in 1897 and all of a sudden he's got a wife. When did they marry?

Fixed; added year of marriage, plus some additional personal information. Churn and change (talk) 17:39, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for finding the obit, Churn, much appreciated! Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Brown Company career

"He also helped organize a number of civic and business self-help organizations". I'm not at all fond of that "organize ... organizations", nor of beginning that paragraph with a pronoun. Did he help set the organizations up?

Fixed. Cut down on "organize" and "organizations" in general, using synonyms. Changed para to start with the name referent, then alternating between name and pronoun. Yes, what the source says paraphrases as "helped set up the orgs." Churn and change (talk) 17:48, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Changes improved. Never sure how far to go from what the source says, the fellow clearly was busy, we aren't always sure of the details. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"Beginning in 1910, he founded the New Hampshire Timberlands Owners Association". So he began to found it in 1910, but it wasn't founded until some time later?

Fixed. Put in exact year, 1911; they celebrated their centenary in 2011. Churn and change (talk) 17:39, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"... by 1917 helped establish a forest-fire insurance company". The tense looks very odd there. Surely it should be "had helped"?

Fixed. Churn and change (talk) 17:51, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Groovy Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"Brown represented the U.S. in the first World Forestry Congress at Rome in 1926." Shouldn't that be at the first World Forestry Congress?

Fixed. Churn and change (talk) 18:00, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Good here. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"... Brown was commissioned as a major to oversee sawmill operations in France, but ultimately was not allowed to go because of his poor vision." I'm a bit unclear about this. Did he still oversee sawmill operations in France even though he wasn't allowed to go there? Did he remain in the army? Was he really not allowed to go to France, as opposed to simply not being considered fit enough for military service?

Sources vague, it's all we have; but I shall reword a bit. I think the implication was that he was not allowed to serve as active duty military; but not sure I can state that definitively. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"An outside president was appointed by the courts". Why "courts" in the plural?

Rewrote as "A court-appointed president took over" to avoid the issue of whether there were multiple courts (appeals/cross-filings) involved. Churn and change (talk) 22:41, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Agreed. BK is a complicated area of law, rewording works. By the way, Rule is the weakest of our sources and wrong about 1935; all other sources, including video (which is why not wise to remove "duplicative" links -- sometimes they aren't ;-) ) say BK was in 1934. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Endurance testing and remounts

"Both horses vet checked sound and fit to continue at the end of the ride ...". I realise that "vet checked" is likely to be a horsey term, but it really looks like it ought to be hyphenated.

Nope, usually not, but I can reword to avoid jargon. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

"Brown used Arabian stallions owned by the remount service ...". Used them for what?

Breeding. Will clarify. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Dispersal

"Brown sold all his horses in 1933 in an attempt to raise funds to keep the Brown Company solvent at the time the company entered bankruptcy." Didn't they enter administration rather than bankruptcy? And surely as did indeed sell all his horses it was more than an attempt to raise funds?

The answer to the first question is a bit complicated. The company filed for bankruptcy in 1935; the court appointed a trustee to reorganize the business. The filing was similar to Chapter 11 filings under US federal law today (business is not liquidated), though I am not sure exactly which court handled the proceedings. So the 1933 selling wasn't exactly "at the time the company entered bankruptcy," it was more "as it was entering bankruptcy" (talks with creditors and the like, I presume). I am fixing the wording to reflect that. Montanabw will have to answer the second question; horses bring in that much money? Churn and change (talk) 22:30, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'm not questioning that horses might bring in the sort of money needed, rather the "attempt to raise funds" as opposed to "to raise finds". Malleus Fatuorum 22:44, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Does the rewording of Churn work? I think the family sold off almost everything they personally owned and poured it into the business to try and avoid bankruptcy, but to no avail. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Legacy

"Among his other civic activities ...". We haven't at this point described any of his civic activities, only his interest in preserving the scenic value of New Hampshire's forests, so "other" doesn't seem appropriate.

It was all the stuff up in the Brown Company career section; don't want to repeat it all, am open to suggestions how to bring that material down briefly into the legacy section. I suppose that section could also be emptied and the material placed into the respective horse and company sections. Thoughts? Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

My only thought is just to switch "other civic activities" to "many civic activities, which I've done. Malleus Fatuorum@

"... and organized a river conservation organization in Quebec." Another of those "organized an organization" thingies.

Fixed, as part of general reduction in usage or "organize" and "organizations." Churn and change (talk) 17:51, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed a few, leaving the rest to User:Montanabw who wrote most of this. Churn and change (talk) 18:02, 29 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I think I got the rest; let me know if more needed. Montanabw^(talk) 18:34, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I would probably have been within the letter of the law to pass this article on first sight, but I know you wouldn't have been satisfied with that and I wanted to give you a hard time. ;-) Malleus Fatuorum 18:46, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Brat! And your comments did improve things. ;-) Montanabw^(talk) 19:00, 1 October 2012 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.