Talk:What to Do When You Are Dead/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Mike Christie (talk · contribs) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)

I'll review this. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 17:10, 18 February 2018 (UTC)

I'll copyedit as I go; please revert if I screw anything up.

• What makes the following websites reliable sources? I'm not saying they're not reliable, just that I couldn't see enough evidence when I looked.
  • ultimate-guitar.com -- per this only certain articles can be cited, and as far as I can see Steven Rosen isn't on that list.
  • noisey.vice.com
• While making the album, frontman Ben Jorgensen analysed Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon (1973): what's the relevance of this? It doesn't seem to be referred to in what follows.
• Can we reduce the number of quotes used? There are a lot; they should be used for illustration, not as the text of the article.
• Jorgensen grew up in a "very scientific environment," which caused him to be influenced by British writer Craig Hamilton-Parker: this isn't what the source says; it doesn't make that connection explicitly.

I still have spotchecks to do, and will do another read-through once we're agreed on the use of quotes. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 19:35, 18 February 2018 (UTC)

I think Steven Rosen was a staff member/part of UG Team at one point, he's referred to as a UG interviewer a few times.[1][2][3] He has worked for/with a number of publications in the past.[4][5] Noisey is the music division of Vice. Yeepsi (talk) 20:19, 18 February 2018 (UTC)

OK on Noisey. On UG, that sounds reasonable, but I'm no expert on these sites so I'll post at WT:ALBUMS and ask for input there. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 02:10, 19 February 2018 (UTC)

Struck the UG query above per the reply at WT:ALBUMS. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 12:12, 20 February 2018 (UTC)

I've removed the part about Pink Floyd and fixed the scientific environment line. I've cut down/shortened some of the quotes, let me know if you want me to reduce them even more. Yeepsi (talk) 11:17, 20 February 2018 (UTC)

• With regard to the quotes, the article is improved, but you're still essentially structuring your paragraphs around the quotes, and that makes it hard to paraphrase. For example, you have With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were initially unsure of how to go into the first verse. According to Decicco, Jorgensen came up with a part that he said would be "'really cool'" over the verse sections. He played the part, and expressed that it was "really cool." Decicco called it a riff that he "never expected to hear over it".. This is stilted and odd-sounding (and it's not clear who "He" refers to in "He played the part"). Forget the quotes, and just tell the reader what happened: With "The Truth About Heaven", the group were unsure how to go into the first verse until Jorgensen came up with a single-note line that both he and Decicco liked. The line was recorded as an overdub using a separate guitar. Other quotes that don't need to be there and could be similiarly paraphrased:
  • "could have it there as kind of like a bass"
  • "'It would be really cool to make a whole album out of this.'"
  • "things I probably would've been too much of a wuss to face, if I didn't pretend I wasn't alive"
  • "bridging sound and text in the album's concept" ... "tiny"... "greatly contributes visually to album's theme".

Quotes in the critical reception section tend to be harder to paraphrase and there's more justification, so let's leave those. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 12:29, 20 February 2018 (UTC)

Removed/paraphrased those quotes. Yeepsi (talk) 12:39, 20 February 2018 (UTC)

I copyedited some more. Promoting; the prose is a bit stilted, but I think it's good enough for GA. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 02:29, 21 February 2018 (UTC)