Talk:Washington County Closed-Circuit Educational Television Project/GA1

GA Review

Unsuccessful. Sammi Brie (she/her • t • c) 05:44, 8 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Sammi Brie (talk · contribs) 05:43, 8 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

This is a quickfail. I find the page to be underdeveloped for GA at this time but would like to make specific suggestions on where it needs work. Sammi Brie (she/her • t • c) 05:43, 8 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
· · ·

Copy changes

Lead

The lead is generally an insufficient summary of the article. It also tends to read a little choppy, which is an issue throughout the article that can be addressed by varying the length of your sentences.

Why is "Pioneering Experiment" capitalized here?
Use "percent" (one word) as American English.
When used as an adjective, "closed-circuit" with a hyphen.

History

I note that many paragraphs hinge on just one or two inline citations. Consider increasing citation density.

Reflow the first few sentences. Brish should be introduced as the superintendent.
It was financed by the Electronic Industries Association and the Fund for the Advancement of Education of the Ford Foundation. The Chesapeake and Potomac Telephone Company was partly involved also in the financing. choppy, reflow
Make "video taped" one word
One film studio was equipped with four television cameras, two film projectors, several slide projectors and equipment for sound or film reproduction and it had a commercial grade video tape recorder. You need an Oxford comma after "projectors" to be consistent, you need a comma afer "reproduction" for an issue I describe at User:Sammi Brie/Commas in sentences, and "commercial-grade" needs to be hyphenated as an adjective.

Equipment

Hyphenate "21-inch"
Eight schools in Washington County were the first elementary schools to use the closed-circuit television network in teaching students with instructional television. The initial closed circuit system served about 6,000 pupils from eight elementary schools. All 45 public elementary schools in Washington County were connected to the closed circuit system by September 1963. This needs reflow badly; the first sentence is redundant. For instance, I might write, While the initial system served eight elementary schools with 6,000 total students, all 45 public elementary schools in Washington County were on the network by September 1963.
'videcon', 'zoom', and 'dolly out' Not a good use of single quotes. See MOS:SINGLE

Puppets

Why is this section here? This could be worked into a "content" section. The use of puppets on the programs would be noteworthy in a broader discussion of methodology/pedagogy and content.

Awards

Why is this one award listed here in its own section? Why is the title italicized? Neither make much sense. The award could be worked into the history section.

Demise

This section feels insufficiently cited. I'd like to see more sources here. I went looking in World Radio History and found this in the Encyclopedia of Communications (Barnouw 1989, full PDF) has more info on changing pedagogy strategies (and particularly on a shift from live distribution to recordings for teachers' use) that would be vital here. (You might be interested in reading KVZK-TV, which that entry mentions and is one of my DYKs.)

The basis television educational supplement concept — a bit word-salad-y, and that should be "basic".

Other

I'd like to see more—and archived—references.

I am glad to see Newspapers.com here. Have you tried PressPass, a tool that can assist you in formatting these references? (It can't help with newspaper section pages or authors, but it can do most of the rest.)

Earwig catches a lot of long organization names but little else.
Some of the images are not germane to the topic. For instance, File:TV studios (26626656473).jpg is an image of a TV studio in New Zealand that isn't of use here. I also cannot determine the provenance of File:1960s TV camera.jpg: it's clearly not "own work" and comes from some publication. I would reduce to one magazine cover. All images need alt text.

A comment for Doug Coldwell

You currently have 21 pages at GAN. I generally have noticed that your pages often, though not always, are lacking in completeness when they come to GA. This one, for instance, is underdeveloped in some key areas (not to the extent of Cone Mills but enough); needs more citations and a better citation density; and needs quite a bit of copyediting. I would have similar remarks on copyediting on most of your nominated pages. I think you should familiarize yourself with the MOS and work to ensure your writing does not read as choppy as it does in some of the passages here. Also, given that there is currently a severe backlog of unreviewed pages—I have as many as 50 pages I could send to GA but will not do so because of the heavy backlog—this might be a good time to be more selective in the pages you believe are ready or almost ready to be GAs.

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.