Talk:Valeri Bure/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Shudde (talk · contribs) 04:43, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Hey. I've decided to review this article. I will hopefully start the review shortly, but before I do this is how I normally go about it: I'll usually read through the article starting immediately after the lead, and make comments as I go. These comments do not necessarily relate directly to the Good article criteria, but should in most cases. I believe that if I'm going to review an article, I may as well give any feedback I can, regardless of whether it relates to meeting the GA criteria. I read the lead last. Once I've finished reading through, I normally check the references and images (although sometimes I check these as I go). It's here I'll normally spotcheck the references (to see that they verify the relevant statement) and also checking to close-paraphrasing. If I find any problems with close paraphrasing I'll fail the article immediately – I'm not comfortable passing an article if there is a chance it contains a copyright violation. I see this as a collaborative process, so if you have any questions feel free to ask, and I'll make sure that I check back regularly. – Shudde ^talk 04:43, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

"Nobility also ran in Bure's history" -- not sure about this statement. How about "Bure's family had a noble history" ?
"However both ultimately became estranged from their father, along with his second wife and their half-sister Katya, by 1998. Neither brother explained a reason for the split." -- A couple of minor suggestions here. How about "However both ~~ultimately~~ became estranged from their father, along with his second wife and their half-sister Katya, by 1998. Neither brother [has] explained a reason for the split." (saying "ultimately ... by" sounds strange)
- Adopted both suggestions, thanks. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Junior

"In doing so, he became the first Russian in the league's history" --> "In doing so, he became the first Russian player in the league's history"
- Corrected. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"instituted an import draft." -- I'm not sure what this is? An explanation, note or wiki-link would be useful.
- Hmm. The CHL exists primarily to develop North American players, but allows a limited number of European players per team. They are assigned via a draft. I will have to think on the best way to respond to this. Maybe a new article if I can find a couple solid sources. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Maybe worth linking to Point (ice hockey) in the first instance
- Done. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"He was named to the" --> "He was named in the"
- "named to the" is proper in this context. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"returned to junior" -- is this acceptable English?
- Commonplace, but a little too informal here. Modified to "returned to his junior team." Reso lute
"He struggled with injuries that season as he suffered two concussions as well as a kidney injury." -- did he play fewer games in 96-97 than 95-96; if so is this worth mentioning?
- Sure. I reworded the sentence entirely, as I noticed I used "struggled" twice in close succession. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"At five feet, ten inches tall, Bure was a smaller player in the NHL." -- include a metric conversion here, especially as this is a bio of a Russian-born person
- Done. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"as well as increased opportunity to play with a young Flames team" -- this is not clear. Before the trade he had no opportunity to play with the Flames, so how about "as well as the opportunity to play in a young Flames team"
- Modified to "as well as increased opportunity by joining a young Flames team", which I think carries the meaning I intended - that he would get more playing time with a younger Flames team than he would have in Montreal. Does that work for you? Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Calgary Flames

"Bure's offensive ability emerged in Calgary as he became one of the team's leading scorers." -- is emerged the best choice of words here?
- I can't really think of anything better. The point I am trying to convey (which ties to the comments from the Montreal section about expectations) is that he was anticipated to be a good offensive player, but didn't really find himself until he came to Calgary. Resolute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  - Yeah I figured that you meant something such as that. I'm not sure the best way to word this, but you may want to try something to try and make it clearer what you're trying to convey. At the moment it's possibly a little vague. -- Shudde ^talk 02:12, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"The departure of Flames' star Theoren Fleury provided additional opportunity for Bure" -- how so?
- Clarified. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Florida, St. Louis and Dallas

"He did not sign until late September, a delay which resulted in his being a brief hold-out from Florida's training camp in advance of the 2001–02 season." -- was there a reason for this?
- Primarily the usual, money. I've made mention of it - the already existing source supports it. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"His brother had already been traded by that point, and the Panthers were also making him available in potential deals" -- the second "him" is slightly ambiguous
- Specified it was Valeri. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"He was also hampered by a hairline fracture to his wrist after Keith Primeau slashed him during an early December game against the Philadelphia Flyers." -- slash is jargon -- could a more accessible term be substituted?
- Is wikilinking slashing (ice hockey), acceptable? It's the proper hockey term for what Primeau did. Resolute
  - It's probably okay. That the injury came from a slash, or that we precisely define what cause it, probably isn't highly important. But happy with your change. -- Shudde ^talk 02:12, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"He opted to retire following the surgeries." -- it may be good here to say his age (I know a reader could work it out, but still).
- Added. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

International

"Bure made his first of two appearances at the Olympic Games in 1998" -- this could be read to mean the first of two games at the 1998 Olympics, maybe "Bure made played in his first of two Olympic Games in 1998"
- Good call, fixed. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

No problems here, summarises the article well.

Other

Are there references for the statistics compiled later in the article?
- Yes. I put a "Career Statistics" reference at the top of the References section for the stats tables. (Personal preference - I dislike floating reference superscripts) Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Image

Checks out, but maybe wikilink to his brother's article in the caption.
- Sure, done! Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Reference spotchecks

I'm not going to be able to access most of the references here so for the majority I will have to assume good faith. Can still check a few though.
[4] -- Having problems here, link is dead
- Looks like the Sports Illustrated Vault completely changed URLs. That is not awesome. Fixed, however. Resolute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  - Cool. Checked the source and it verifies both statements. -- Shudde ^talk 02:12, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
[6] -- a, b, c, d, e -- gave up after e as found no problems
[9] -- quote is appropriately sourced
[10 & [11] -- seems to be a problem with some of the parameters used in the {{cite}} template here.
- Error on my part, fixed Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
[13]-- Checks out fine
[27] -- No problems.
[36] -- possible to get a page number here? Especially as it's used for a quote.
- The page number was there, but I have just learned that the {{cite journal}} template operates differently than every other cite x template, so the "p." notation was omitted. Converted to cite book to establish consistency. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]
[39] -- error with the markup here
- Fixed. Reso lute 23:18, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Done

Well very little to comment on. Interesting subject (one I'm completely unfamiliar with), definitely reads like injuries blighted his later career. Good job again. Only a few minor things to address then will be happy to pass. Good work as always. -- Shudde ^talk 05:56, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I appreciate the review! I should have some time this evening to work on the article and address your concerns. Cheers! Reso lute 13:03, 15 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, I should have nearly everything, still looking for a decent way to explain the CHL import draft. Reso lute 00:04, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Well, durr. I only just now thought to check if CHL Import Draft exists. It's a redirect to Canadian Hockey League#CHL Import Draft, which should at least give you the basics. Reso lute 00:08, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Great. I've left a couple of comments above that you may want to look at, but happy with all your changes. Good work. -- Shudde ^talk 02:12, 16 October 2014 (UTC)[reply]