Talk:USS Albany (1846)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sturmvogel 66 (talk · contribs) 06:19, 6 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I'll get to this shortly.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 06:19, 6 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

No DABs, external links OK.
Images appropriately licensed.
the first ship with this name Clarify that this is in the US Navy. done
was laid down at the New York Navy Yard sometime in 1843, launched on 27 June 1846, and commissioned on 6 November 1846 Given that the lede is supposed to be a summary, I'd suggest that you just say that the ship was built in the 1840s and put these details in the main body. done
Some sort of descriptive paragraph is needed. You could use the featured article HMS Bellerophon (1786) or HMS Thetis (1846) as a model. I'm going to place this on hold until you have time to add this.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 15:08, 30 November 2016 (UTC) done[reply]
- thanks Sturm, I took care of these. :) auntieruth (talk) 16:40, 30 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Sturmvogel 66:

Many apologies for my delays. As penance, I've rewritten most of the lede and the description for you. Feel free to make any changes you deem necessary.

The statement that she was the first of her name needs to be cited. DANFS will suffice for that, I think.done
The biggest problem that I see is that you've gotten way too deep into the crew so that the article's almost become a memorial. Since the lede is supposed to be a summary, delete the names and relations of the ship's officers lost and limit yourself to a mention that the crew included some relatives of politically prominent men. You can then list them in the loss section if they haven't been referenced earlier in the article. The entire partial list of the lost section needs to go. done
Albany carried and landed the reserve elements delete the "carried and" as they're kinda redundant since she couldn't have landed them without carrying them.
in Hampton Roads, Virginia add a comma after Virginia; this should always been done with giving locations in the format of "place, larger place,"
If you're actually using any text from DANFS like the tag down at the bottom says, please set it off in quotes or rephrase it and delete the tag. I'm not sure I understand this
Please do a careful reread as you're missing some articles: that main mast of Albany "the" mainmast done
Protem is actually two words, pro tem.done
Be consistent about the pronoun used to refer to the ship as you're using both she and it. Choose whichever one was being used when you started work on the article. If both were being used then, go back to the first version to use either and use that one. done
Link Marine, Purser, midshipman, Venezuela--doneSturmvogel 66 (talk) 02:19, 27 December 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Sturmvogel 66: I think I've got all these except what you said about DANFS....which I didn't understand. My first and last (probably) ship article. auntieruth (talk) 20:00, 1 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Scroll down to the bottom of the article and, just above the further information section, you'll see a bit about incorporating text from DANFS. If that's true, then either quote it if you want to keep the text or rewrite it.

oh i see I had already included it in fn. removed template. removed that stray sentence. Not sure about doing more...I'm more interested in the people than in the machinery. auntieruth (talk) 16:38, 2 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Sure I can't entice you into doing more? Once you understand the formula on how they're organized, they're actually pretty simple. Oh, and delete this sentence: The list of officers lost is included in the table below.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 20:37, 1 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]