Talk:Trevor Hoffman/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Wizardman (talk · contribs) 17:09, 13 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this article. I should note that due to the size/detail of the article, the review will be over the course of a few days, probably a week. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 17:09, 13 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

My apologies for the delay here. I took on a couple other reviews for classes so given the time factor I gotta get them wrapped up first. Give me another few days. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 17:26, 20 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Here's the review finally:

"filling in if the designated singer or the national anthem did not show up." tweak to 'designated or national anthem singer..'
"Ed would often bring Hoffman to the games with him" I'd change Hoffman to his son, since in this case using a last name is odd.
The fire sale link is now circular, so that should be fixed.
"However, this is also the year during which he developed his changeup." the however doesn't add anything, so remove that.
I'm not convinced that the SI cover issue is a necessary non-free image, as the 99-02 paragraph sums it up quite nicely.
"In a 4–3 win over the Chicago Cubs on September 14, he worked a perfect ninth" I get what the second part means, but lay readers may not get what a perfect ninth is.
"after converting 53/54" 53 of 54
"Hoffman would save 56% " Hoffman saved 56% is a bit crisper; same for the two sentences after that.
"including one that trimmed the tip of his scapula" linking scapula would be helpful.
"DHL Presents the Major League Baseball Delivery Man of the Month " can probably be cut down to DHL Delivery Man of the Month.
"Hoffman signed a $13.5 million, two-year contract that included a club option for 2008. "It came down to me making a decision for my family and not disrupting what we have going on," said Hoffman. "This is probably the most significant signing that I've had," said then-Padres general manager Kevin Towers. "This guy is the face of our organization. I can't put into words what he means to our community."" the cite at the end goes for both quotes right/ Ideally it should come after both to be on the safe side but I won't make a stink about it.
"after being 10–11 " 10 for 11
"Hoffman won the Rolaids Relief Award for the second time in his career, and he was awarded The Sporting News NL Reliever of the Year for the third time.[79][80] and He was the runner-up for the Cy Young Award for the second time.[81]" these two sentences can be combined, with he in lowercase where it's capitalized.
"Hoffman was named to the NL All Star Team for the sixth time in his career." hyphenate all-star.
"Hoffman ended the 2008 season 3-6" make sure this dash is consistent with the other dashes in the article.
"making his seventh appearance, and first as a Brewer." comma not needed here, though not sure if the first as a Brewer part is necessary at all since it was his only.
"In April, Hoffman pitched 9 innings" nine innings
"which he throws with a palmball grip, from teammate Donnie Elliott in 1994. However, he did not use the pitch in a game that year" which he threw, and the note about him not using in in 1994 isn't really needed since the next sentence suffices.
The legacy section feels to be a bit on the long side. For example, the playoff section could probably be shortened as an example since it's basically a paragraph noting one thing.

I'm a little concerned about the tone after the career section; I know Hoffman was well-regarded but it does feel over the top in some areas.

I'll put the article on hold for these issues to be addressed. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 04:23, 27 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your comments. I've updated per your suggestions with the following notes:

"filling in if the designated singer or the national anthem did not show up." tweaked instead to "designated national anthem singer"
"Ed would often bring Hoffman to the games with him": Wikipedia:Manual of Style/Biographies#Family members with the same surname says to use the surname only for the subject of the article. If you still think it is confusing, I would suggest using "Trevor", but would prefer to leave as "Hoffman".
"The legacy section feels to be a bit on the long side. For example, the playoff section ..." Since his playoff record is noted by many sources when recounting his career, I feel its due weight. For neutrality, explanation beyond the raw number of saves in the playoffs is needed.
"I know Hoffman was well-regarded but it does feel over the top in some areas." Perhaps since his career was in San Diego and not a media-intense city, the press never dug up much dirt on him. I'm open to any suggestions on adding missing material you are aware of or changing of existing wording.

—Bagumba (talk) 18:57, 28 November 2011 (UTC)[reply]

My issues wasn't with the lack of criticism (besides his final year there was little), but rather with the fact that the article does push his good nature a bit too much. After reading the article again though, it's not that bad in this regard. As such if you're looking at FAC for this, I would go to PR first to get that looked at. I will pass the article since I think it's GA-worthy though. Wizardman _{Operation Big Bear} 16:08, 1 December 2011 (UTC)[reply]