Talk:The Legend of Bhagat Singh/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Numerounovedant (talk · contribs) 08:53, 4 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Lede

You could avoid the repetition of "The film" in the first paragraph; you might rephrase as: "It stars Ajay Devgn as Bhagat Singh, a [...] The film chronicles ...".
"Santoshi wrote the film's story while Anjum Rajabali drafted the screenplay." - It isn't really a "while" statement and even if it is the while isn't used correctly.
"Piyush Mishra wrote the dialogue, and A. R. Rahman composed the musical score." - no comma needed.
"Its soundtrack was released" - I think the film's is better suited here.
Honestly, this paragraph could be rearranged a little as it has a couple of issues; why break the flow between the writing jobs (screenplay and dialogue) with the mention of production companies and budgets? You could start with the company/budget and then mention all writing credits together. No point in mentioning Rehman before the mention of the music release either. That could be rearranged too.
"The Legend of Bhagat Singh was released on 7 June 2002 to positive critical reviews, with the direction, story, screenplay, technical aspects and the performances of Devgn and Sushant receiving the most attention, but the film underperformed at the box office earning only ₹129.35 million (US$2.68 million in 2002)." - That's a verry long sentence. You could split the latter half and maybe use a semicolon in the first too. Also, received the most attention isn't very informative either. You might want to spell our the response more directly
Was it really a box office bomb?

Given a "Disaster" category by BOI generally would fall under box office bomb, wouldn't it? :-)

Reading through the rest. VedantTalk 18:03, 5 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I've hopefully resolved your comments, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 09:23, 6 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Plot

I think the mention and the link to Jallianwala Bagh massacre should do. There is little point in describing the event again and the "innocent" bit isn't helping either.
"Soon after the massacre, he learns of Mahatma Gandhi's satyagraha policies, and is especially impressed by his call to launch the non-cooperation movement. This leads to thousands of people burning British-made clothing, giving up school, college studies, and government jobs" - This implies that Bhagat Singh being impressed with Gandhi led the people to all the activities and not the Non-cooperation movement.
"only to be let down by Gandhi when he calls off the movement" +- let down isn't very encyclopediac.
"movement due to the Chauri Chaura incident" - it'd rather be "after" and not "due to".
I'm not sure why the plot uses "Dutt" for Dutt "Rajguru" for Rajguru, and "Bhagat" for Singh and "Sukhdev" for Thapar.

I'm addressing all the people with the surname "Singh" by their first names. I've changed "Sukhdev" to "Thapar". Dutt and Rajguru are the characters' surnames.

I do not think that the "daringly" is necessary, nor is it very encyclopediac.
"taking care not to kill anyone by throwing bombs at empty benches" - I think this could be rephrased as it reads very awkwardly.
"Later in 1929, when the British proposed the Trade Disputes and Public Safety Bills, he initiates " - The plot should say "Bhagat" here instead of he.
"The entire nation rises up in protest" - Again, not very encyclopediac.
"this seals the trio's fates" - Same.

Let me know if you have any queries. VedantTalk 05:33, 8 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I've placed my reply for the names above and have hopefully resolved your other comments, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 08:00, 8 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Production

"happened to read" is unnecessarily wordy.
"on the freedom fighter" - it's implies and this is not required.
The last sentence of the opening paragraph is a little long-ish and could be split and simplified.
I don't think addressing Bhagat Singh as "the freedom fighter" is appropriate.
Again, it should be either Bhagat or Bhagat Singh throughout.

Do you want the quotes to be having "Bhagat" as well?

"while admitting to Santoshi that "it was going to be a difficult task" for him" - the continuous tense isn't appropriate.
"had not watched Shaheed before signing up for the project" - so don't know what Shaheed is unless I'm missing something.
"addition to reading Sansmritiyan like Sushant" - who's he and why is the article using his first name. VedantTalk 18:59, 9 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

As I told you in the Plot comments, I'm addressing all the people with the surname "Singh" by their first names. I've hopefully resolved your comments save one for which I've replied, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything else. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 08:51, 11 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

"he had not watched Shaheed before signing up for the project"- Caps issue. Also, watched it or read it?
"encouraged him to play the Azad" - no "the".
Try and avoid the repetition of "his father" earlier in the paragraph.
"with Santosh making his cinematic debut" - that's an awkward addition.
"particularly true" - not a fan of the phrase as it either rhas to be true or not.
"Shooting took place first in Agra and Manali before the unit moved to the Film City studio in Mumbai." - That's rather poor phrasing.
"According to the film's cinematographer, K. V. Anand, around 85 sets were erected at Film City" - constructed rather.

More to follow. VedantTalk 10:35, 12 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I have hopefully resolved your comments, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 11:00, 12 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Music

"while Sameer wrote the songs' lyrics" - while isn't an appropriate choice. The dependent clause itself is awkward here.
"stand apart from" - no quotes needed.
"recent" - isn't useful , maybe say his "other works".
"Santoshi found to be more fast-paced" - remove "more".
"only this time he created a softer tune" - the "only this time " reads awkwardly.
"The review concluded by praising" - too verb-y.
Although this might not be an immediate concern for the GAN, but you might to restructure the second paragraph by organizing all the reviews for one particular song together and move on to next song then. The repetition of the songs breaks the flow and confuses the reader. This could be saved for later though.

Will take a look at the release section soon. VedantTalk 15:26, 14 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I have hopefully resolved your comments, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 17:13, 14 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Release

"Amberish K. Diwanji, despite finding The Legend of Bhagat Singh and Devgn to be the better film and actor like Salam, criticised the "constant shouting and mouthing of dialogues" whilst calling "the grimacing and clenching of jaws" to depict patriotism "pure Bollywood pulp and totally unnecessary."" - This phrasing is unnecessarily complicated.
"He also expressed disapproval of including" - Why not simply say he responded negatively to the inclusion of... as the current version is too wordy.
The section could use some more paraphrasing for the larger direct quotes.
You also might want to arrange the section thematically and vary the A felt B and C thought D approach, but that can be saved for later. For a GA this is fairly concise.

The rest looks good. I have taken a quick look at the refs and will do it again before closing this. VedantTalk 15:00, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I have hopefully resolved your comments, Numerounovedant. Do let me know if I've missed out anything. Thanks. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 15:16, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

You could archive the blue link. I do not see a reason to delay the promotion any further, it's a pass. Good job! VedantTalk 15:22, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you very much, Numerounovedant. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated. — Ssven2 ^{Looking at you, kid} 16:03, 16 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]