Talk:The Land of Gorch/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: MPJ-DK (talk · contribs) 07:06, 28 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I'll handle this one since it was put back in the queue. I will provide my feedback over the next day or so. MPJ -US 07:06, 28 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@MPJ-DK:Thank you, most appreciated !! — Cirt (talk) 11:39, 28 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

GA Toolbox

I like to get this checked out first, I have found issues using this that has led to quick fails so it's important this passes muster.

Peer review tool

"couldn't" is used in the text outside of a quote and thus should be "could not"
"aren't" is used in the text outside of a quote and thus should be "are not"
"won't" is used in the text outside of a quote and thus should be "would not"
"can't" is used in the text outside of a quote and thus should be "cannot not"

Copyright violations Tool

No issues identified. Y

Disambiguation links

No DAB issues Y

External links

Reference 20 needs a subscription, that needs to be part of the citation data.
Reference 53 needs a subscription, that needs to be part of the citation data.

Well Written

Lead

"included King Ploobis and Queen Peutra and children, and servants Scred and Vazh" sounds better as "included King Ploobis, Queen Peutra and their son, as well as servants Scred and Vazh" less "ands"
"The staff of" - it seems like it was primarily the writers, not the general staff, if so perhaps specify "the writers of"
"and television show Dinosaurs" should be "and the television show Dinosaurs"

Premise

"Creatures each have a unique cultural identity" should start with "The creatures".
"unique cultural identity" any examples you could mention?
"who is seen portrayed" should be "who is portrayed", simplify it.

Influences

"During this same time period his"", comma after the introduction so "During this same time period, his"

Conception

"He lamented that performer Edgar Bergen was able to appeal to a mature crowd." if feels like something is missing here, unless he really was saying that Bergen sucked? was the lament that Bergen was able to appeal to a mature crowd and he was not?
That section uses the term "lament" twice, can you mix it up a bit?
"his talent agent he did not yet have significant fame within the industry" was that Henson or Brillstein that did not have significant fame?
"Henson decided to place Muppets into the Saturday Night Live cast" - that sounds wrong on two counts

"Place into the cast" is an odd phrase
Sounded like it was Henson's decision, that he was in charge.

" characters precisely with the" simplify by removing the word "precisely"
"Henson had the idea in mind to create puppetry entertainment geared at a more mature audience." I feel like this has already been expressed several times before. feels repetitive

Design

"with production of" should that be "with the production of"

Writing conflicts

"The writing staff of Saturday Night Live disliked writing for The Land of Gorch scenes." was previously mentioned in the same paragraph, redundant.
"The writing staff of Saturday Night Live and Henson's team did share some common qualities: each group formed a social clique and were opinionated and creative." - I am not sure what the text is trying to convey here.

Segments discontinued

"He disagreed with what he felt was a style of writing that was more suited for situational comedy than his puppet characters." I believe words to that effect have already been stated in the article, redundant/repetitive.
"focus towards production of The Muppet Show" either "the production" or "producing"
"Before the first season of Saturday Night Live had completed, Henson and his team were already focusing their efforts on other endeavors, including The Muppet Show." basically stated in the prior sentence.

Characters

"married to Queen Peuta, but has" does not need the comma

Themes

"Bernsten it was these qualities" something seems to be missing in this sentence.
"way that did not" should be "way that it did not"
"noted it was for this reason" should be "noted that this was the reason", simplify the sentence structure
""How to Become a Muppet" contributed to the book Kermit Culture" should be ""How to Become a Muppet" in the book Kermit Culture"
"likened Henson's efforts with The Land of Gorch to the early experiences of Apple Inc. founder Steve Jobs" - how so?

Impact

"Much of The Dark Crystal was heavily influenced by Henson's prior experiences with The Land of Gorch." already stated once or twice right before. It seems to be a bit of a problem around the "Dark Crystal" part, repeating facts or statements.
"monologue" should be "monolog"

Critical reception

" episode when it featured in a production" can be cut off after "episode", the rest adds nothing new.

Sources/verifiable

Looks to be appropriate, good formatting etc.

Broad in coverage

Yes Y

Stable

Talk page has no indication of edit warring etc. neither does the article history as far as I can see Y

Illustrated / Images

All look appropriate and the fair use rationale for the actual screenshot is appropriate Y

@Cirt: - so my review is complete, the only real challenge is that the article repeats itself a bit in some sections. So I am putting this on hold for at least 7 days to allow for improvements to be made, if you need more time that's not a problem either. just let me know. MPJ-US 22:11, 28 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- @MPJ-DK:Thanks very much for your GA Review ! I've agreed with your recommendations and implemented them directly into the artice. I've noted "per GA Review" in the edit summaries. Should be all done now. Thanks again, — Cirt (talk) 13:49, 29 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Cirt: - that was quick work, and good work. I am satisfied it meets the critera now. Congratulations. MPJ-US 02:25, 30 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- Thanks very much !!! — Cirt (talk) 02:28, 30 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]