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Talk:Tashy Bohm/GA1

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GA Review

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Passed. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 21:05, 15 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 23:36, 26 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]


Hi there, I'll review this article. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 23:36, 26 July 2022 (UTC)[reply]

I've added comments below, thanks for your patience. There is a bit of work to do with this one; the reading can get a bit difficult as the prose is quite dense with numbers and figures, but I'm not sure if there is a way to avoid that given the subject of the text. Is there any information available on what she's done after college? Did she ever compete professionally (or at all) after college? Anything on family, a career, or "personal life" in general afterwards? If not, that's alright (though a little disappointing), as some information in that vein would avoid having the article end suddenly after she leaves college despite the fact that she's lived over 20 years since then. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 04:39, 4 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

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High school career

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  • "She established national state and local records in high school." → this sentence needs commas
  • "short course 100-meter backstroke record" → for readers not familiar with swimming (myself included), what is a short course backstroke?
  • "until Morris County's Lauren English posted a 1:04.23 time on February 7, 2004, at the Morris County Championships, according to the National Interscholastic Swimming Coaches Association (NISCA)." → IMO, everything that isn't bolded here is superfluous information that isn't directly relevant to Bohm herself
    • Morris County's is included to show the "national" record was broken by someone from her own county, but I only need Morris County once in the sentence. I will preserve the later use.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:55, 6 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]
    • I have included the National element of this record since it seems to only be held and challenged by New Jersey swimmers. This is curious to me. What it suggest is that of the four formats (SCY, SCM, LCY and LCM) that the 100 backstroke is contested in, it must be the case that the only place where American high schoolers contest this distance on an official SCM pool is in New Jersey. There must be very few SCM pools used for official American high school races. I want to make it clear this is recognized as a National record although only New Jersians seem to contest this format.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:03, 6 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "by New Jersian Jennelle Ritchie at 1:04.86 and surpassed by New Jersian Kelly Hecking" → I'm not sure that including "New Jersian" is relevant here other than to point out that they happened to be from the same state as Bohm.
    • By pointing all of this out, the reader should realize that this format of the 100 backstroke (SCM), is basically only contested among high schoolers in New Jersey since only New Jersians have held the record. So it is a "National" record that is more like a state record.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 09:46, 6 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • "New Jersian Lisa Iori had held the record" → same as above
  • "As her Morris County Championship records were broken, there was press about it." → this is an awkward sentence, especially after the comma
  • "100 yard backstroke" → needs hyphen to read "100-yard backstroke"

ok-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:21, 12 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

  • "In the 1997 NJSIAA meet Hecking eclipsed 3-time defending champion Bohm's 56.99 state record with a 55.94 in the prelims and then beat Bohm by a 55.64 to 56.84 margin in the finals." → I feel as though this sentence is more about Hecking than Bohm; from a copyediting standpoing this needs a comma after "meet" and "3-time defending champion" can be eliminated since that is mentioned a few sentences prior
    • Attempted rephrasing.-11:19, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
  • "Shannon Lynch in the 100 butterfly" → need to specify meters or yards here since both are used in this section

ok-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:21, 12 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

College career

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Notes

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The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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