Talk:Strawberry Bubblegum/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Adam Cuerden (talk · contribs) 10:25, 16 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Alright. You've probably noticed I started marking this up a bit.

There's a few issues, minor ones, like "primarily and Timberlake's friends", which is either missing a word, or has an extra one, and one potentially major one.

Now, these sort of articles always end up sounding a little disjointed by necessity. You're pulling together the drips and drabs of information from multiple sources to try and make a coherent whole. That's normal. And bits of it will have a lot of quotes.

The problem is... you got a little too close even outside the quotes. Compare:

This article	Quote from source	Acceptable?
The song opens with a needle-on-record sound, which channels, according to Gregory Hicks of The Michigan Daily, a trademark of Christina Aguilera's fifth studio album Back to Basics (2006).[	The time-honored needle-on-record sound effect introduces “Strawberry Bubblegum,” channeling a trademark of Christina Aguilera’s Back to Basics.	Mostly. maybe don't use "channels"?
A deep, Barry White-esque voice says, "Hey, pretty lady" while Timberlake sings "This goes out to you!". Allan Raible of ABC News wrote that "such a move seems engineered to make gullible teen girls in the audience scream."	“Strawberry Bubblegum” begins with a deep, Barry White-esque voice saying, “Hey… pretty lady…” while Timberlake sings “This goes out to you!” Such a move seems engineered to make gullible teen girls in the audience scream.	No. It's really close even outside of the quotes.
The composition of the song features "immature giggle-inducing double-entendres", spoken word backing sections and according to David Meller of MusicOMH it shifts into "’70s funk-cum-porno keyboards makes it difficult to dislike, although many will likely scoff."	...rife with immature giggle-inducing double-entendres ([...]), Barry White-esque spoken word backing sections and shifts into appropriate ’70s funk-cum-porno keyboards makes it difficult to dislike, although many will likely scoff.	No, that's too close.
The string loop and the added record scratchiness on the song complete "the faux-vintage" vibe that coats "Straberry Bubblegum". Raible concluded that "with its ethereal, soft tone, the track wants to be Jackson's 'Butterflies'.	The dusty string loop and the added record scratchiness on the track fit the faux-vintage vibe that coats this record. With its ethereal, soft tone, the track wants to be Jackson’s “Butterflies”	Again, very close.

And so on. If it's not in quotes, it needs to be vastly different than this. Also, your phrasing conceals the source of the first half of quotes. For instance, if you write "and according to David Meller of MusicOMH it shifts into", that implies that the bit before that is not by David Mellar, but, in fact, it is. (also, comma before according and after MusicOMH.)

I'm really sorry, but the whole section is going to need completely rewritten, and, as such, I'm afraid this probably fails. Adam Cuerden ^(talk) 10:25, 16 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Well, I got a second opinion, and I'm afraid the article fails for now, though hopefully it will pass in the future. Good luck! Adam Cuerden ^(talk) 11:41, 16 July 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.