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GA Review

[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Hi, I'm Mm40 (talk · contribs) and I'll be conducting this review. If you have any questions, place them here, as I'll be watching this page.

Not a full review yet, but a couple of things I noticed:

Mm40 (talk) 12:56, 28 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

The article needs some copy-editing, particularly if you're aiming for FA. I'll try to work with you to get this to "clear prose" per WP:GAC, but I'd recommend you seek out a good copy-editor.

Images
General
  • I would suggest you mention the opening acts somewhere in-text.
Lead
  • "to support her eleventh studio album" I'm not sure "support" is the best word. "promote", maybe?
    • Promotion happens before an album is released, support comes subsequently, hence support is a correct word.
  • I think "her eleventh studio album Hard Candy" is a bit run-on-ish. Possibly reword to "Hard Candy, her eleventh studio album"
  • It's not clear what a "venture" from a "recording and business deal" is. Is it her first tour under the new deal?
  • "Announcements for the tour happened" -> "Announcements for the tour occurred"
  • "with dates for the UK and the American venues being announced". Also, "UK" is a place while "American" is an adjective; both should be in the same form
  • "However, though initially planned..." "However" should only be used when it presents an idea contrary to the previous sentence. This isn't the case here, so remove it.
  • I think "and the recession" assumes the reader knows what "the recession" is. Please reword
  • "a number of renowned famous designers and brands" remove one of the words in "renowned famous"; it's very redundant
  • "After the tour was over" how about "After the tour's conclusion"
  • "plans of resuming" -> "plans to resume"
  • What does "previously unventured territories" mean? Areas she didn't hit on the first leg? Areas she's never performed at?
  • "The second leg, however, did not go" there's that "however" again.

As the above issues are from reading just the first paragraph, I'm wondering if it would be OK with you if I put this review on hold while you got an independent copy-editor. After their copy-edit is through, I'd conduct the review as normal. All the other criteria seem to be met on a cursory glance. Are you able to seek out a copy-editor? Mm40 (talk) 13:02, 29 January 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here, I'll conduct about half the review now and the other half soon, probably tomorrow. I'm sorry for nitpicking Mm40 (talk) 02:26, 6 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Lead
  • For the first caption, I suggest "The tour's official poster"; more succinct.
  • The images to "Pimp", "Retro", "Gypsy", and "Rave" are somewhat irrelevant to this article.
  • "where bondage-dressed performances were the main theme" is saying that the performances themselves where bondage-dressed (what does this mean, anyway?).
  • "the classic songs of Madonna were performed with work of deceased artist Keith Haring" why not just "Madonna's classic songs" and what does "with work of ..." mean? After reading the article, I see Haring was an artist artist, not a musical performer. Clarify this?
  • "performances consisted of eastern influences" means she was performing eastern influences
  • How did Madonna's robotic dress directly "lead" to a sing-along?
  • "sing-a-long" -> "sing-a-long"
  • "which included a dance tribute" which one included a tribute to Jackson, the original set list or the altered one?
  • "from contemporary critics" of course the critics are going to be contemporary
  • Link "Confessions Tour" in the third paragraph
  • What does "equally successful" mean? She broke the gross record again?
  • "highest grossing" or "highest-grossing"
  • In the lead, it's not clear why Madonna's statements against McCain and Palin are relevant to this article other than that they were said while she was touring.
    • Because they faced opposition from political groups, it is mentioned.
  • "broadcasted" should be "broadcast"

 Done --Legolas (talk2me) 05:06, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Background
  • "with further performances"
  • "It was named as the Sticky & Sweet Tour" might be better as "It was titled the Sticky & Sweet Tour", and you can delete the second "was" in that sentence.
  • "and 50–60 dates" means they planned to visit dates. I think this would be fixed by replacing "and" with "on"
  • Maybe give the year of release before Hard Candy
  • The information from "The tour was described as" to the end of the paragraph doesn't belong in the Background section.
  • "in the United Kingdom and Europe" the United Kingdom is part of Europe
  • Maybe just me, but I think "The final leg of the tour" implies that there were many legs when in fact there were only two.
  • Why the commas around "Michael Chugg"?
  • No comma after Sunrise

 Done --Legolas (talk2me) 05:06, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Development
  • There shouldn't be a comma after "Arianne Phillips"
  • Clarify "bespoke suit"
  • Can you put into context the number of kneepads and trampolines? I don't know, it just sort of hits you
  • "stage was similar to the layout" can be "stage's layout was similar". Also, I think you can cut out "with some differences", it's implied when you say "similar"
  • "There were a set of screens" -> "There was a set a screens"
  • "were double layer of semi-transparent cylinder-shaped screens" Doesn't sound right
  • "disappeared completely in the layout" what does this mean? Also, "but was brought" should have "were", not "was"
  • Should "mixing console" be plural?
    • Yes

 Done --Legolas (talk2me) 05:44, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Concert synopsis
  • It would help the reader if you once again gave the name's of the concert's sections before the descriptions
  • Unhyphenate and lowercase "Pin-ball" and remove the comma after "3D animation video"
  • For "Human Nature", was Madonna or Spears trapped in an elevator?
  • Why do you put "doors" in quotation marks?
  • Clarify Madonna being "covered" by a circular video screen
  • Why are the two references (17 and 18) after "then"? Why not at the sentence's end
  • Remove the comma before "Evita"
  • What is a "virtual duet"?
  • Is their any information on how the fan's request worked?
    • they shout it and the most unanimous response works
  • There shouldn't be a comma after "giant tongue"
  • "a homage" -> "an homage"
Its an homage only, I checked. --Legolas (talk2me) 05:44, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

 Done --Legolas (talk2me) 05:44, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

References
  • For ref 9, the publisher should be as such: New York , note the italics
  • There are some abbreviations in the references that aren't necessarily identifiable. I noticed NME (ref 11), but there may be more.
  • General consensus is that About.com (ref 20) isn't reliable. I can pull up discussions if you'd like, but is there a replacement available?
  • Reference 43 needs a language
  • Ref 62 cites Icon differently than the other refs to her site (see references 2 and 44).
  • I don't think ref 72 (FOH online) is notable, as it appears to accept submissions
  • Not really an issue for GA, but you may wish to replace ref 73 (Daily Mirror); tabloids aren't of the highest quality.
    • Replaced with Yahoo

 Done --Legolas (talk2me) 05:44, 8 February 2010 (UTC) As said above, I'll review the remainder of the article soon. Cheers, Mm40 (talk) 02:26, 6 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I can vouch for the FOH Online magazine reference—it is as viable an online magazine as any other in the concert touring business. Before they accept a submission, they subject it to editorial review, unlike a blog hosting site. The particular article in question, "When Disaster Strikes", was written by Dan Daley, a journalist who has written for Billboard, Spin, TravelHost, Mix magazine, USA Today, etc., and has written a book and two hit songs. Even if the article were up on a blog site, Daley's industry expertise would allow the URL as reference.
Also, I corrected my own mistake of not putting "mixing console" in plural. Binksternet (talk) 20:47, 7 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks Aaron, Mm40 and Bink. --Legolas (talk2me) 05:44, 8 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Rest of article
  • There were no negative reviews? No one thought she was too over the top, too extravagant?
    • Actually I think reviews like "Smiles don’t come easy for Madonna. Instead, there are usually smirks, sneers, pouts, leers and thin-lipped, tough-as-nails displays of contempt for anyone who would dare mess with her." are negative in comparison to the others. Other negative feedback that I found was regarding 'Madonna making her dancers stay at poor hotels, Madonna starving them and Madonna being a bitch by sending the French fries back to cook - I didnot find them encyclopedic at all. Moreover, they are reported by tabloids like The Sun, The Mirror etc.
  • "and a gross of over $12 million USD" has no verb. Also, that sentence may need commas, as it runs-on a bit.
  • In the Commercial reception section, you use both American (January 1) and British (1 January) date styles
  • "added at October 19" I think "at" should be "on", and vice versa for "On December 2008, Live Nation..."
    • The vice-versa part should be "on" only.
  • "thus making it the highest grossing"
  • I think "ticket sales were immediate sell-outs the moments transaction started" is bit of a hyperbole
  • In the sentence beginning "The Helsinki, Oslo (July 30)" why do some places have dates while others don't?
  • "with attendance of 3.5 million" is missing "an"
  • "placed second (behind U2) as the "Top 25 Tours of 2009" with a gross of" change "as the" to "in the"
  • You say "The article also mentioned "Into the Groove" as..." What article?
  • Wouldn't the statements about Palin make more sense in the previous paragraph, which discusses her statements about McCain
  • "Due to the accident, officials of the city of Marseille decided to cancel the concert" can be reworded "The accident caused city officials to cancel the concert"
  • Not sure, but should there be a period in "1715 GMT"?
  • "broadcasted" -> "broadcast"
  • The dates in the Broadcast and recordings section need commas between the day and the year (for consistency)
  • "and online website for those" of course the website is online
  • There's no way there can be a prose lead in the the list of opening acts?
    • None of the reviews described anything of their performance. Sorry. :(
  • Not a big deal for GA, but consider making the "Box office score data" sortable

Sorry for the delay, I'll pass the article once my above comments are resolved. Cheers, Mm40 (talk) 22:41, 12 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I addressed your concerns and added comments. --Legolas (talk2me) 09:34, 15 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
OK then, I've passed the article Thank you for your contributions, and please consider reviewing another GAN to help keep the backlog down. Mm40 (talk) 00:45, 17 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]
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