Talk:Siege of Boston/GA1

GA Review

Hi. I'm going to review this GA Nom. Intothewoods29 (talk) 00:32, 3 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

It needs work. I'm putting this On Hold for now, until problems with organization, word choice, relevent information, and pictures (Requirements 1, 3, and 6) are taken care of:

This paragraph, from the escalation section:

"During this period of time, many Loyalists who lived outside of Boston left their home and fled into the city. Most of them felt that it was not safe to live outside of the city.[8] Some of the men, after arriving in Boston, joined the army.[9]"

Why didn't all of them feel unsecure outside the city?

Some of the... Loyalist men joined the army? right? also, which army? picky picky :)

Another picky thing: in the caption for the second pic, you write that some of the info is incorrect. Then why put it on wikipedia if it's wrong?! LOL that info's already on the pic's info page, so I'd get rid of it on the article page. But that's just me.

Question about:

"When the Americans heard of this [refering to Gage getting hay], they took the alarm, and the militia came out."

they took ~~the~~ alarm??
came out from where?

I don't think the sentence "(The battle was somewhat misnamed since most of the fighting was done at Breed's Hill next to Bunker Hill.)" is needed in this article, especially since you don't actually describe the battle in detail.
RED LINKS! Fix em all!
Question: in Stalemate, you say "Trenches were built". Aren't trenches dug? Just a question; I'm not up on my military jargon (remember this for later).
In Stalemate, you say "The working parties were fired on from time to time, as well as the sentries." Who are the working parties? and who was shooting?
In Stalemate: "On July 30... the British drove in an American advanced guard, ..." Drove in? Again, military jargon, but it might just be me.
Stalemate is kind of a bunch of jumbled skirmishes, especially compared to earlier sections. Are the small battles all relevant to the Seige of Boston (example: proposed attack on Canada, Lechmere's Point). Some could be cut down and the rest could be organized into separate paragraphs, which specify how the event relates to the siege. You need to do this to fulfill GA requirement 3.
Three things for this paragraph in Stalemate:

On November 29, Captain John Manley, commanding the schooner Lee, captured one of the most valuable prizes of the war—the British brigantine Nancy carrying much ordnance and military stores for British troops in Boston. The arms, powder and ammunition proved invaluable to the Continental Army during the fortification of Dorchester Heights the following March.

what's ordnance?
is the Dochester Heights thing even relevant?
is this event even relevant (did it happen in Boston Harbor during the seige? if so, that should be noted.

At the end of Stalemate, you have a paragraph about the winter problems, then you immediately ignore it and start a new paragraph about Washington. You might want to add a transition.
This paragraph at the end of Stalemate (I emphasized some stuff):

In February, when the water had frozen between Roxborough and Boston Common, Washington thought that in spite of his deficiency in powder he would like to try an assault by a rush across the ice; but his officers again advised against it. His anxiety to risk such a hazardous enterprise arose from his knowledge of the weak condition of his army, which he felt might melt away during the winter, and the ease with which Howe might at any moment break up the patriot besieging line. He had not yet learned how completely he could trust to Howe's inactivity ; and he abandoned the dash across the ice with great reluctance in exchange for a more cautious plan well suited to the British general's temperament, and which was crowned with success

His: Washington wanted to attack on the ice, but his officers didn't. Then you say "his" anxiety arose from... Whose anxiety? Washington's? From what it sounds like, he was all gung-ho for attacking.
the army would melt away? LOL I know what you mean, but you might want to consider different word choice that makes them sound less like snowmen
temperment?: why is important that Howe liked washington's plan? could you describe the new plan in as much detail as you described the ice attack, so we can understand how it was met with success?

POV in sentence "On March 5, in an amazing feat of deception and mobility..." (in End of Seige).
Sentence in End of Siege:

On March 8, a letter was sent to Washington that if allowed to depart unmolested, they had no intention of destroying the town. The letter was not personally addressed to Washington, and therefore, he never received it, but word was spread around

Who sent it? I'm assuming the British, but was it Gage, or Howe, etc.
It was sent to Washington, but it wasn't sent to Washington? see bold text. Who was it addressed to then?

The picture of the ox train is in the wrong section; it needs to be moved down to End of Seige. Likewise, IMO the picture of the gravestone needs to be removed because it is about a non-battle casualty that doesn't have much relevance to the movement and is not at all mentioned in the article.
Sentence in End of Siege: "On March 10, Howe issued a proclamation ordering the inhabitants to give up all linen and woolen goods that could be used by the colonists. " The inhabitants of Boston, right? Why? So he could stop the rebels from using them? Plz clarify
Why is it relevant that they left on St. Patrick's day?
Last sentence: why is it relevant that they left for NYC?

Well, that's about it. Fix those problems and reply on my talk page when you're done. Intothewoods29 (talk) 01:28, 3 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Good job. Unfortunately, this still has a couple of glaring problems that need to be fixed before it's a GA:

~~The lead needs to be at least two paragraphs, preferably three, per WP:LEAD, and~~
~~The first picture and the picture in Stalemate need more info (see tag on image pages).~~

Also, below are a couple more of my picky recommendations; take 'em or leave 'em.

IMO, the Background section could use with a few lines about the revolutionary war and the seige in relation to the war. I mean, it's implied, but it'd be useful to say something to that effect. Right now the article just jumps right into the events of the seige, without giving a lot of background. Of course, you're the wikiexpert! ;)
I removed the quote " and "gallantly waded through the water, and soon obliged the enemy to embark under cover of a man-of-war..."" from the end of the paragraph starting "November 11, 1775" in the Stalemate section because it was in a different tense as the earlier sentences and it wasn't incredibly relevant. But I'm just leting you know.
I still have a problem with the second-to-last paragraph in Stalemate, which says Washington wanted to attack, his officers recommended against it, and Washington's anxiety stopped him from attacking. I'm a little confused; is it possible to clear that up for non-Military history people like me?
~~fix the sentence about the letter sent to Washington in End of the Seige:~~

~~though clearly addressed to Washington, the letter was not personally addressed to him~~

*In evacuation, you say "A loyalist, Crean Brush, was authorized to take whatever he wanted in return for certificates, which were, at that point, entirely useless." Why? that might be relevant to the article. once again though, you're the expert! :)

~~Also in evac, you write "On March 17 the wind, once again, turned favorable", but nowhere in the section prior to that does it say that the winds were favorable.~~

And that's about it! I think after these improvements, everything will be ship-shape! Intothewoods29 (talk) 21:56, 13 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Great... except... the lead should be a summary of the entire article. Right now it's a lot of background information, which is perfect for the Background section! I'd move anything that can go into background from the lead into background, then summarize the article in the lead, and that's it! I promise! LOL but really you've done a great job improving this article. Once you get those lead problems worked out, I'll promote this to GA. :) Intothewoods29 (talk) 02:52, 14 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Good job! I think you got it all! Keep working to improve this article and others like it. :) Intothewoods29 (talk) 03:17, 14 August 2008 (UTC)[reply]

1.well-organized
2.reliable refs
3. relevant info
4. NPOV
5. stable
6. Pictures have tags