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Talk:Shinya Kogami/GA1

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GA Review

[edit]
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Reviewer: Morgan695 (talk · contribs) 23:02, 30 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]


Hi, I will be reviewing this. Comments to come. Morgan695 (talk) 23:02, 30 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]

1. Well written

[edit]
  • "one of the Enforcers in Division One" Needs context for what an 'Enforcer in Division One' is
Done
  • "Kogami starts doubting the status quo" Needs further context/explanation
Reworded
  • "he tried balancing the traits of both Kogami and Akane" Seems unclear, is this referring to screentime (as referenced in the subsequent sentence in the article) or something perhaps about complimentary aspects of their characterization?
Reworded
  • "who wanted to give the character individuality despite series' troubling system" Doesn't make sense
Reworded
  • "although he was criticized for finalizing his character arc" Who is 'he' in this sentence? A film/TV series/writer/director/etc concludes a character's arc, not the character himself
Reworded
  • "until the 2019 movie gave him further depths" This doesn't make sense
Reworded
  • "who was attempted a coup d'état to overthrow" Remove 'was'
Done
  • "does not want Makishama dead" Weird quasi-double negative, replace with "wants Makishama captured alive" or similar
Done
  • "who was attempting bioterrorism" Requires further explanation/rephrase. You don't "attempt a terrorism", you attempt a bombing of a government building, or attempt a hijacking of a place, or whatever the case was in this instance
Done
  • "oppose the exposition" I think you mean "imposition"
Done
  • "He had taught his students his fighting skills" Can probably be integrated into previous sentence or removed
Removed
  • "to discover the identity of the superstate's upcoming president" I feel like this requires further explanation, as secrecy around the president's identity is not previously referenced
Removed
  • "who are rescued by Unit One" What is Unit One?
Reworded
  • "Kogami trains Tenzing Wangchuk" who is Tenzing Wangchuk?
Explained
  • "an eranged Kogami" Do you mean "deranged" or "enraged"?
Fixed
  • "regardless of danger he might encounters" -> "regardless of danger he might encounter"
Fixed
  • "appears in the series' self-parody Gakuen Psycho-Pass" Is this an anime/manga/film?
Specified
  • "Production I.G. staff created Kogami as a hero who would encounter Shogo Makishima; their showdown would be seen from Akane Tsunemori's point of view" This is very oddly phrased, from reviewing the source I would replace with something like "Production I.G. staff developed Kogami's character to be a stark opposite to his enemy and rival Shogo Makishima, with Akane Tsunemori as the audience surrogate between their two perspectives."
Reworded
  • "noting the Japanese characters for his last name are a reference for his traits" Requires further explanation
Expanded
  • Now that I'm reading it, I could give sentence-by-sentence notes I feel like a lot of the information under the first two paragraphs of "Development and influences" is repeating itself; I feel like there's a way to more succinctly communicate that Makishima and Kogami were conceived as polar opposites, that Akane Tsunemori is an audience surrogate, and that Kogami is a "wild" and "troublesome" character
Done.
  • "The character has been compared with Charles Marlow from the Joseph Conrad novel Heart of Darkness" By who?
Done
  • "embrace the darkness" and "remain in the darkness" Feels like encyclopedic language
Fixed
  • "Kogami's personality was initially designed to be aggressive but after several revisions, he became a gentler, calmer man of few words" This seems to contradict the previous paragraphs that talk about how wild he is
Fixed
  • "As the series was "anti-moe, the developers" Missing a closing quotation
Done.
  • "avoided having Akane remove her clothes during episodes and instead have Kogami do it" Would probably merit from a brief explanation of how this subverts typical expectations of fan service in anime
Done
  • All of the copy on external influences (Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now, and Saving Private Ryan) would probably read better in their own paragraph rather than spread across the section
Done
  • "Seki took a liking to the character" Redundant with "stated he liked the character" in the preceding sentence
Reworded
  • "believing he would fit as a strong protagonist in the second season enough to defeat the new antagonist," -> "believing he would fit in the second season as a protagonist strong enough to defeat the new antagonist,"
Done
  • "series as an imagination Akane has when thinking" -> "series as a [dream/vision/hallucination/etc] Akane has when thinking"
Fixed.
  • "Because recording of the 2015 movie did not start until latter times" What "latter times" is needs to be specified
Fixed
  • "handing out a cigarette" -> "sharing a cigarette"
    • Done.
  • "award in an official poll involving characters that appeared in noitamina television series" -> "award in an official poll tanking the popularity of characters that appear on Fuji TV's Noitamina programming block"
    • Done
  • capitalize Newtype Anime Awards
Done
  • "Kogami has also featured in other polls; fans liked his interactions with Akane Tsunemori" I would say to specify what specifically he won, but both of the cited polls feel very listicle-y; I would remove this sentence entirely
Expanded
  • In Reception, make sure that all news outlet names are italicized
Done
Done
  • "Mills liked Kogami's "enigmatic" characterization because" who is Mills?
Expanded
  • "despite having shot her once; and because his past is explored across the episodes—Kogami is his favorite character" -> "despite having shot her once, and because his past is explored across multiple episodes"
Fixed
  • "felt there dynamic between" -> "felt the dynamic between"
Fixed
  • "due to its depths" -> "due to its depth"
Fixed
  • "whether or not Kogami was a more active person" Meaning of "active" in this sentence is unclear
  • "impressed by Akane's development" Development of what?
Fixed
  • "and stated the "armchair psychiatrist" "but stated the "armchair psychiatrist"
Fixed
  • "battle a little anticlimactic, he" -> "battle a little anticlimactic, but"
Fixed
  • "to the setting and the characters' interactions" -> "for the setting and the characters' interactions"
Fixed
  • "it contrasts with the heavy use of dialogue in the beginning" The beginning of what?
Fixed
  • "feels hunted by his killing" Do you mean 'haunted'?
Fixed
  • Remove wikilink to Sybil System in final paragraph
Fixed
  • Rather than do additional line edits, I just edited the material directly myself.
  • Status: Passed

2a. Verifiable with no original research

[edit]
  • Primary sourcing confined mostly to plot/character details
  • The Fandom Post seems iffy as an encyclopedic source but it seems fine for the content of the article
    • The Fandom Post is a website created by Chris Beveridge. The author has been famous across the years, having first created animeondvd.com which later turned into mania.com and then moved Chris Beveridge. The site has had access to interviews, reviews of only released material, etc.
  • Status: Passed
[edit]
  • Clean on checks
  • Status: Passed

3. Broad in its coverage

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  • Article provides a broad overview of the topic without veering into fancruft or overly-detailed plot summaries
  • Status: Passed
    • Season 3 of the anime has just started but he still has not appeared in the storyline.

4. Neutral

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  • Article is unbiased
  • Status: Passed

5. Stable

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  • No edit wars or disputes
  • Status: Passed

6. Illustrated

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  • Non-free images properly sourced with rationales
  • Make the images under "Voice actors" of equal size (or at least equal height), they look strange staggered like that
  • Status: Passed

Done.Tintor2 (talk) 00:23, 31 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Overall

[edit]
  • Status: Pass
  • @Tintor2: Review is complete. Overall, this amounts to something of a weak pass, as I think the copy could still some work (i.e. beyond just copy-editing and looking at the structure and flow of the article). I would recommend finding a partner editor to help improve this article further. Morgan695 (talk) 00:27, 1 November 2019 (UTC)[reply]
Already requested for a minor clean up.Tintor2 (talk) 02:02, 31 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]
Okay, I'll let the copyeditor do a clean up and then review the article again. Morgan695 (talk) 14:33, 31 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]

@Morgan695: A fellow user is copyediing he article.Tintor2 (talk) 12:11, 31 October 2019 (UTC)[reply]

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