Talk:Sena Kobayakawa/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: DragonZero (talk · contribs) 05:18, 28 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Issues must be resolved. Suggestions can be ignored. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 05:18, 28 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Issues

~~You should include both authors. They are both significant in this case.~~
~~Should link American Football.~~
Ref 5 actually says a wimpy character good at sports inspired the usage of football. You're going to have to fix that in the lead too.
- Better, but still needs to be more accurate to the interview. "Inagaki (I): I wanted to create a protagonist that was wimpy at the beginning, yet could perform outstandingly in a sports game. With that premise in mind, I decided that American football would be a very suitable material." The order was, a wimpy character, then football and eventually eyeshield 21. It wasn't the conception of eyeshield, than the character.
  - And now? Gabriel Yuji (talk) 19:25, 9 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
    - You have it right in the conception section, but the lead doesn't agree with it.
      - I've tried again. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 16:58, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
        The lead, right now, is saying a character was created to fit the American Football sport. It's the other way around. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 00:13, 12 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
        I think now I could figure it out. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 00:28, 12 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"To conceal his identity Sena wears a green eyeshield; to keep him from being recruited by other teams, Hiruma picks the alias "Eyeshield 21"" The order of ideas here is wrong. He wears an eyeshield and uses the alias to avoid recruitment.
~~"Deimon Devil Bats" Who and why does this matter to Sena?~~
- Still not introduced in the plot. It is introduced in the lead though
  - Sorry, I misunderstood what you said. I think now it's fixed. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 19:25, 9 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
~~"Sena is the tournament's MVP and wins the chance to play in the Christmas Bowl." So only Sena is the chosen few allowed to go to the Christmas Bowl or is it with his team?~~
~~"a feat considered impossible" Unnecessary afterthought.~~
~~"Later, he stated a lead you can cheer for is essential to a sports manga, commenting that him "fills that role quite well."" Grammar. Incomplete.~~
You don't need the Conception and development anchor there. It's usually for nouns that go by multiple names. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 10:03, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 16:58, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Suggestions

Plot summary is excessive with unnecessary character introduction like Ha-ha brothers.
Removing leading Zeros in the refs. It is against MoS.
"His contrast with Hiruma was also praised by Pine." I would say this is reception for the plot, after reading it in context.
~~http://www.gamespot.com/eyeshield-21/previews/eyeshield-21-hands-on-6146534/ redirects to http://www.gamespot.com/articles/eyeshield-21-hands-on/1100-6146534/~~

~~Use the redirected link.~~

Could you check it, @DragonZero:? Gabriel Yuji (talk) 03:53, 9 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Updated. It would be easier if you replied under each point, ex here. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 05:24, 9 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Issues resolved, passing. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 01:04, 12 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]