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Talk:Sarada Uchiha/GA1

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The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 22:40, 22 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

First round of comments from Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
;First round of omments from BeatlesLedTV
Infobox and lead
  • I would add ALT text for the infobox image
    • Done
  • For this part (While she first appears only in the last chapter of the manga, she becomes the protagonist), I would shorten it to the following for more concise language: (Introduced in the last chapter of the manga, she becomes the protagonist). Something about the “first appears only” seems a little clunky to me. I am also not certain about the “while” construction for this context as it is not uncommon for characters of a spin-off to only appear in one installment of the original media.
    • Done
  • Something about this sentence (Sarada was born while her pregnant mother was accompanying Sasuke on his travels.) reads awkwardly. I do not think you need “pregnant” as it makes the sentence somewhat confusing.
    • Done
  • Something about this part (and goes on a mission to see if she is right) reads a little weirdly to me. I would replace it with something like (and goes on a mission to confirm her parentage) to make it read more formally/appropriate for Wikipedia.
  • Please add the year in which Boruto: Naruto the Movie was released.
    • Done
  • Do you think that you should link “a low-ranking ninja” with genin?
    • Done
  • In this part (where she has become a low-ranking ninja from the village of Konohagakure and dreams of becoming its leader, the Hokage), please link Hokage.
    • Done
  • For this part (well as its anime sequel which shows her interactions with her family as well as her), there should a comma after “sequel”.
    • Done
  • For this part (who are being led by Konohamaru Sarutobi.), you do not need the word “being”.
    • Done
  • For this part (Critical reception to Sarada's character has been positive, most notably due to her interactions with other characters like Boruto and Sasuke as well as how she aims to become the Hokage.), I would just remove the "other characters like" part as it is rather vague and does not contribute much. There is also a close repetition of the word "character".
Creation and conception
  • I would rename this section to “Concept and creation”.
    • Done
  • Please add ALT text to the image.
    • Done.
  • Please use the character’s full name when first mentioning her in the body of the article.
  • For this part (because she was a female character, not male like Naruto Uzumaki.), I am not sure that this (not male like Naruto Uzumaki) is really needed as it seems a little silly. The meaning of the sentence can be understood without it.
    • Done.
  • I am not sure what is meant by this sentence (Kishimoto read several books about women to select the right characteristics for Sarada.). Do you know what sort of “books about women” that he read?
  • In this part (In the end, he gave them instead to another ), I do not understand what “them” is referring to in this context.
  • For this part (and he aimed to balance it with Chocho who acted differently), I would remove “who acted differently” as it reads awkwardly and I am not entirely sure what is meant here. By removing that part and changing this (which would help keep the story) to (who would help keep the story), I think it would improve the sentence as a whole.
  • In this part (in the series was the bond between Sarada and her mother when her mother believes Sarada is in danger), avoid the repetition of “her mother”.
  • This part (For the finale of the Naruto spin-off) is confusing. What do you mean by “the Naruto spin-off”? I would use the name and link it as you have not introduced any parts of the Naruto franchise at this point in the body of the article.
  • The last sentence of the first paragraph should be revised for flow. It reads rather awkwardly as I am not entirely sure what is meant by the Karin part in particular.
    • Done.
  • For this part (that in his head Sarada is like a female version of Sasuke), you need a comma after “head” and link Sasuke and use the character’s full name.
    • Done
  • For this part (Despite this, he also added some elements of Sakura to Sarada), link Sakura and use the character’s full name.
  • What do you mean by this (as it would have been scary to have a Sasuke-like girl)? Who is saying it? This requires further context
  • I am not entirely sure what you mean by this (despite the common image of "cute without glasses”). I think that revision and further context would be helpful.
  • I am confused by the direction of the second paragraph. A majority of the information is on how she compares to her parents, but a sentence like this (During the making of the Boruto film, some scenes involving Sarada's interactions with Boruto were removed because of time constraints) sticks out. I would make sure that all of the information flows into one another. I would actually encourage you to look through the entire section and read it and organize it in a way that makes it a cohesive narrative.
  • In this part (In both the Boruto film and anime series), you need to link and use the full name of both the film and the anime series as you have not done so yet in the body of the article.
  • Please specify that this (Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4) is a video game and include the release year.
  • This part (When the new story arc about Sarada's family was announced for Next Generations) is confusing as you have not linked or used the full title of Boruto: Naruto Next Generations in the body of the article yet.
    • Changed
  • Is there a reason why you included Chocho Akimichi’s full name in the last sentence of the last paragraph?
    • Removed
Appearances
  • Please revise this sentence (Sarada is the central character of the spin-off manga Naruto Gaiden: The Seventh Hokage and the Scarlet Spring, searching for her estranged father, while mistakenly feeling she and Sakura are not related.), particularly the placement of this phrase (searching for her estranged father, while mistakenly feeling she and Sakura are not related.). Putting the dependent phrase right after the manga’s title makes this part read that Naruto Gaiden: The Seventh Hokage and the Scarlet Spring is searching for her estranged father, while mistakenly feeling she and Sakura are not related. I would split the sentence into two as the sentence is rather long either way.
  • For this part (Sarada gains the bloodline eye technique known as the “Sharingan”), should Sharingan be in italics and in quotation marks? In a later part, you do not have it in quotes or in italics so it is very confusing.
  • Why does she suspect Karin of being her mother in the first place? Why does she feel that she is not related to her parents in the first place?
  • This sentence (It is eventually shown that Sarada has inherited her mother's natural control over chakra, and thus is able to gather it in her fists and cause a devastating effect on a target because of her superhuman strength.) has a lot of information and would benefit from being split into two.
  • I am not sure about this sentence (Seeing these facts, Sasuke smiles proudly at his daughter.). A majority of the section seems to provide more of an overview of the character while the above sentence reads more like a specific detail. I would find a way to more seamlessly include the information Sasuke’s pride toward Sarada into the section.
  • Please link Hokage in the last sentence of the first paragraph.
    • Addded above.
  • Please add the year in which Boruto: Naruto the Movie was released.
  • For this part (as a low-ranking ninja, Genin), link Genin.
  • I am not certain about these two sentences (Sarada notices that Sakura is much happier now that Sasuke has returned to the village. Sakura blushes and says to herself that Sarada must be just as happy.). I am not sure about pointing specific actions of the characters in this manner as it seems a little too detailed for a section like this. I think a sentence like “Sarada and Sakura are happy that Sasuke returns to the village” would get to the same information in a more concise manner.
  • I am not sure why you wait until this moment (the CyberConnect2 video game Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4) to provide the descriptive phrase about the video game when you have already introduce the game in a previous section.
  • When you do move up the descriptive phrase about the video game, I do not believe that the “CyberConnect2” part is needed. I think the year in which the game is released is more informative.
Reception
  • Please provide ALT text for the image.
    • Done.
  • In this sentence (Masashi Kishimoto's brother, Seishi, found it surprising that Sarada was the protagonist of the Naruto spin-off manga), could you make it clear why Seishi found “surprising”? More context is needed for this.
    • Done
  • For this sentence (All the research his brother did to develop her character amused him), could you clarify what sort of information the brother researched? Also, wouldn’t this sentence be better suited for the section on the character’s development than the character’s critical reception?
  • I do not know what you mean by this (fitted the main theme). Fitted the main theme of what? The entire Naruto franchise? A specific installment of the Naruto franchise? What is the main theme?
    • Done
  • I would see if there is a way to organize the reception section so that each paragraph has one concrete focus/topic. I would use the following resource here as a guide. This section appears to jump around a lot without a clear sense of structure, and that is really needed here to make this section a cohesive narrative on the character’s reception rather than just a bunch of references put together.
    • Done. First paragraph is about the spinoff, second is about the movie, next is about the anime series.
  • The link for “character arc” in tis part ( Christian Chiok from Japanator found Sarada's character arc) should be moved up to the first instance you use the word arc. I would suggest moving the link to this part (Stewart found Sarada's arc one of the best parts of the Boruto anime).
  • I will hold off on providing in-depth comments about this section until it is re-organized as a lot could change during those revisions.
References
  • Avoid putting words in all caps in Reference 15 and Reference 20 and Reference 40.
Final comments
  • You have done wonderful work with this article. It still needs further polishing with the prose to reach the level of a GA, but I am more than willing to help you with that. Once my first round of comments are addressed, I will go through it one more time and provide more feedback. I hope you find this helpful. Aoba47 (talk) 00:49, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Tried revising everything and reorganized the entire reception. Thanks for the review.Tintor2 (talk) 01:21, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • @Tintor2: Thank you for your response; I will look through the "Reception" section shortly. There are still several points above that need to be addressed. I will wait until you are done addressing everything before adding further comments. Aoba47 (talk) 01:43, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • @Tintor2: Ideally, you should be the one to go through each of my comments to mark the ones that you have completed. There are several ones that I can see from a brief run-through that have not been addressed so I am just as lost as you are since you have not provided a clear indication of which comments you have addressed/completed and which you have not. Aoba47 (talk) 01:47, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
    • Revisited furthermore. Sorry, I had to sleep eariler yesterday Aoba47. Thanks for the review.Tintor2 (talk) 15:40, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
      • Thank you for addressing my comments so far. Do not feel pressured to address them right away; you can take a few days to to get to everything. I will collapse the comments above and provide a new round for my review sometime soon. Some of the comments from above still have not been addressed though so I will repeat them in my new round of comments. There are still several issues in the article so there needs to be more work to get to the GA level. Aoba47 (talk) 17:23, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Second round of comments
  • I still believe that these two sentences (Masashi Kishimoto's brother, Seishi, found it surprising that Sarada was the protagonist of the Naruto spin-off manga based on the fact his brother relied on a female character for a series to a male demographic. All the research his brother did to including guides to write to develop her character amused him.) would be better suited for the “Concept and creation” section rather than the “Reception” section. I would also revise these sentences as they read awkwardly. I would change it to: (Masashi Kishimoto's brother, Seishi, found it surprising that Sarada chosen as the protagonist for a Naruto spin-off manga since the franchise primarily appealed to a male demographic. Seishi wrote a guide to better develop the character.).
    • Moved.
  • This sentence needs revision (However, he said that he felt pressure when he was developing her character for the Naruto spin-off because she was a female character, not male like Naruto Uzumaki contrasting the demographic of the series.).It is written very awkwardly and needs to be phrased better.
  • I do not understand this sentence (Kishimoto read several books about women to select the right characteristics for Sarada's personality.). What books did he read about women? This is very unclear.
    • Done. He never said the specific books though.
      • It is still unclear what is mean by this sentence. What do you mean by "women's traits"? What "characteristics" were initially chosen for Sarada and later given to Chocho? This needs further context about what he was researching. In my previous comments, I was referencing that more so than the actual titles of the books themselves. Aoba47 (talk) 19:20, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • In this sentence (In the end, he gave them instead to another character), I am not sure what you mean by “them”. I understand that it connects back to this phrase (the right characteristics for Sarada's personality), but it would better to state which characteristics were given to Chocho.
  • I do not know what you mean by this part (or the finale of the Naruto spin-off). Which Naruto spin-off are you talking about? You will need to provide the full title and link it as you have not used it in the body of the article up until this point.
    • Done.
  • This sentence (For the finale of the Naruto spin-off, Kishimoto wanted it to end with the focus on Sarada's family and not Karin, a supporting character who, while being relevant to the story due to Sarada thinking she was her actual mother, was left up to the readers' imagination) needs to be revised.
    • Done.
      • It is still written rather poorly to be honest. How is this part (and not Karin, a supporting character who, while being relevant to the story due to Sarada thinking she was her actual mother, was left up to the readers' imagination) relevant to this article? It seems more appropriate for the article on the Karin character than this. Aoba47 (talk) 19:31, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • This sentence (During the making of the Boruto: Naruto the Movie film, some scenes involving Sarada's interactions with Boruto were removed because of time constraints but in the end, Kishimoto's most important scene between these two was kept: Boruto motivating Sarada to becoming the Hokage in the future.) needs to be revised to make it flow with the other parts of the paragraph. I noticed that you have revised, but expanding it with more information is not what I meant.
    • Done.
  • For this sentence (Sarada is the central character of the spin-off manga Naruto Gaiden: The Seventh Hokage and the Scarlet Spring, searching for her estranged father.), I disagree with the placement of this phrase (searching for her estranged father). I would just revise the sentence to (As the central character of the spin-off manga Naruto Gaiden: The Seventh Hokage and the Scarlet Spring, Sarada searches for her estranged father.).
    • Done.
  • Revise this (Additionally, she is mistakenly feeling she and Sakura) to (Additionally, she mistakenly feels she and Sakura).
    • Done.
  • For this part (due to similarities between her and a woman, Karin), I would replace “a woman” with a better descriptive phrase. The phrase “a woman” is very generic and does not help a reader get any sort of understanding on how this character is.
    • Gave her a further description.
  • This phrase (At the happy thought of seeing Sasuke after many years) reads awkwardly and could use from revision, particularly the part “At the happy thought”.
    • Changed.
  • You introduce Karin twice in the “Appearances” section and repeat that Sarada thinks that she is her daughter.
  • I am still not a fan of the overall structure of the “Reception” section. For instance in the first paragraph alone, you cover criticism of the romance between Sasuke and Sakura, Sarada’s interactions with her father, Sarada’s comparison to Boruto, and Sarada’s dream of becoming Hokage. There should be more of a cohesive narrative here. I would encourage you to look through the source that I have provided from my previous comments and try to organize the sections by clearer topics and group similar ideas within paragraphs together.
  • In the first paragraph, you say that the character received a “mostly positive” response, but I see a lot of negative criticism that appears to contradict this.
    • Done.

You have done a lot of great work here, but there are a number of issues with the prose. I would encourage you to go through my comments (and do not feel pressured to do it quickly. You can take as long as you want). I hope you find this review helpful. Aoba47 (talk) 18:13, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Additional comments
  • The "Media data and Non-free use rationale" box for the image in the "Concept and creation" section needs to be completed. Aoba47 (talk) 19:39, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
    • Removed. The image is not crucial or helpful to explaining her character.
  • This sentence (Critical reception to Sarada has initially mixed due to how Sarada questions her paretage. ) is not necessarily true as the criticism was pointed towards other aspects of the character. Also, "parentage" is misspelled. Aoba47 (talk) 19:43, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
    • Change.
  • I do not know what you mean by this sentence (Similarly, the novels include Sarada's role in the anime.). What are "the novels" you are referring to? Aoba47 (talk) 19:45, 23 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
    • Fixed. Boruto has about four novels more or less that retell the events of the anime.
EDIT: I tried reorganizing the reception into three paragraphs: one about her traits, one about her relationships and one about merchandising. I'll see if I can improve it better tomorrow Aoba47.Tintor2 (talk) 01:48, 24 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Thank you for your comments. It is definitely moving in the right direction. Let me know when you have completed the edits. I think that this is almost there, and I think that once everything is settled down with that section, then I will hopefully pass it soon. Have a great night! Aoba47 (talk) 02:32, 24 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Back from work. I tried separating the more and more the two paragraphs while adding a bit more about Sarada's English actress. Don't know what else to do Aoba47.Tintor2 (talk) 15:48, 24 November 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Verdict
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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