Talk:SS John V. Moran/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 19:46, 7 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

Four paras in the lead is too much for an article of this length.
Avoid single-sentence paras.
As per previous review, link freighter and unlink American.
As per previous review, I'd prefer to see more about the boat itself and its usage before telling me it sank.
" from Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Muskegon, Michigan " both are overlinked.
"when a piece of ice punched a hole" more that it drove into the ice, right?
"at Grand Haven, Michigan the" comma after Michigan.
Consider linking steamer and car ferry.
Link "Official number"
Where is yard number 44 referenced?
Six of the first seven paras in "History" start with the ship name, repetitive.
Convert 110 psi.
"propelled a single' by
No need to link common words link "flour".

"on August 16, 1888.[1] She" no need for this to be referenced in the infobox too.

"...Company of Detroit, Michigan," overlinked.
"of Detroit, Michigan, and was operated as part of Ward's Detroit & Lake Superior Line, also of Detroit.[1][2][10] Her first home port was Detroit" Detroit used four times here!
"transferred/sold" which?
"Company.[2][1] " order.
"5:00 P.M" and others, needs a non-breaking space between the 5:00 and the P.M. and the P.M. should be a p.m., so this should be 5:00 p.m.
Link tug.
" downbound bulk freighter " overlinked and what is "downbound"?
"in Superior, Wisconsin in " comma after Wisconsin.
"Crosby Transportation Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and " Milwaukee overlinked again.
"of Manitowoc, Wisconsin, Sheboygan, Wisconsin.. etc" no need to keep repeating Wisconsin, I would maybe says "the Wisconsin ports of ..."
"left Milwaukee, Wisconsin for Muskegon, Michigan on" overlinked, both of them.
"1:00 P.M., loaded with barrels of flour a" see earlier about (a) time format and (b) unlinking common terms.
No need to link midnight.
"travelling" if this is USEng, shouldn't this be "traveling"?
" ship, Eber Ward wa" overlinked.
"of Holland, Michigan began" comma after MI.
"o instantly identify " not instantly, quickly perhaps.
I'm seeing two entries in the fair use template as "n.a." which is not acceptable.

@The Rambling Man: I have fixed everything (hopefully) that you pointed out, with the exception of the travelling/traveling issue. GreatLakesShips (talk) 18:56, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I've reworked the lead a little bit, four paras was too long and it seemed logical to me to talk about her in-service life before talking about her demise. Let me know what you think. For what it's worth, I'm happy with the article now, but I'd like to gauge your feelings on the re-write so you might think of applying a similar approach to your other GA nominations? Cheers. The Rambling Man (Stay alert! Control the virus! Save lives!!!!) 20:12, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@The Rambling Man: I have always preferred my version of the lead. It was inspired by a a featured article, which i hold in high regard. Although, I completely agree with the service details. GreatLakesShips (talk) 20:16, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

The only poblem with that article (and indeed this one before my edits) is that the lead has a lead of its own. The first para of the lead is a summary of the rest of the lead and that's not what we want. First and foremost this was a boat. It was built. It sailed a while. Then it sunk. Now it's a wreck. That's really how the lead should be structured. The Rambling Man (Stay alert! Control the virus! Save lives!!!!) 20:18, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, I'm very pleased with how this article reads and appears now, good work, so I'm promoting to GA. Well done again. The Rambling Man (Stay alert! Control the virus! Save lives!!!!) 20:38, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]