Talk:Sévérine/GA1

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

GA Review

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Reviewer: Numerounovedant (talk · contribs) 17:04, 4 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I'll go thorugh it this week. NumerounovedantTalk 17:04, 4 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 17:07, 4 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Lede

"contacted the director Sam Mendes and casting director Debbie McWilliams." - make sure that you're consistent with the use of "the"

Revised. I just removed the "the" as it was unnecessary. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"felt a strong connection with the James Bond films" -you should remove the link and make sure you italicise as done on the first instance.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"Securing the role after two auditions, the actress said that she felt" - the actress sounds really informal.

Agreed. I also rephrased any use of "the actress" in the body of the article. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"around the concept behind the chimera" - better phrasing? something about the "around the", "behind the" bit makes it reads awkwardly.

Thank you for pointing this out. I tried to make this sentence (and its corresponding sentence in the body of the article) more clear. Let me know if this should be improved. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"Critical response to Bond's treatment of Sévérine has been widely criticized by film critics" - notice something?

Not sure how I let that one slip through the cracks lol. I have revised this. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"return to classic element of the James Bond film franchise" -- i am sure that a reader (unfamiliar with the franchise) will have a certain but if difficulty here.

Agreed. I have revised this to make it clearer. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"The lack of impact regarding Sévérine's death" - impact of?

The phrase "impact of" sounds better and more direct. I have revised this part. Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I tend to be nit-picky when it comes to the lede, bear with me on that. Going through the rest as I am putting these up. NumerounovedantTalk 20:30, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I greatly appreciate that you are being nit-picky as these are all very good comments that have helped to improve the article a lot already. I am always the worst with the lede (as I typically save that part until the end). I look forward to your further comments on the article. Thank you again for picking this up for review! Aoba47 (talk) 20:40, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Arc

Since the article is about Sévérine, I believe that she should be the subject of the opening sentence instead of Bond. This to me ensures that the placement of the character (in the whole narrative) is put across well.

Agreed. Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 20:55, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"in which she responds fearfully and cautions him" - to which?

Makes sense to me. Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 20:55, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"She tells him that if she survives, that he can find her on her yacht, the Chimera." - I don't quite understand this part.

I accidentally used the wrong pronoun. It should be "if he survives", referencing if Bond survives the guards' attempt to kill him. Aoba47 (talk) 20:55, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"and informs her that is not possible" - this can be rephrased to make it more clear as to what is not possible, the escaping part or the bring held at gunpoint part.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 20:55, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Rest looks good. NumerounovedantTalk 20:51, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! Aoba47 (talk) 20:55, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Development

I know that "good and brilliant" a direct quite but it still reads very awkwardly, i think that the use of "brilliant" shall suffice?

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"A strong believer in fate, she stated" - new paragraph, re-introducing the subject.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"To prepare for the role, she received special training on the use of firearms, and closely examined the script" - two wildly different bits to be put into one sentence. However, I don't think that separate sentences would be best choice either, and i do think that it would work just fine if the close examination bit goes before the firearm training bit in the same sentence.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"as she start to further pursue working in English language films as opposed to those in French" - a lot of things wrong with that sentence.

Revised. Not sure what I was thinking there lol. Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"Marlohe responded she enjoyed parts with" - missing a "that" maybe?

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Will go through the rest tomorrow. Really well done so far. NumerounovedantTalk 21:06, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your help so far! Aoba47 (talk) 22:31, 9 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Numerounovedant: I apologize for the intrusion, but I just wanted to ask about the status of this review. Thank you again for picking it up for review. Aoba47 (talk) 19:55, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"explaining that she want to emphasize a sense of" - wanted

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"want Sévérine to be easily titled as a" - simply?

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I am not tmdure if the Bond girl and the dark side bits should belong in one sentence.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"performance as the Joker in the 2008 film The Dark Knight to further complicate the character" - dues the ref say complicate? if not that's not the best choice of words.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"so funny, very humble[,] and simple" - just dating "funny, very humble..." should suffice, the so reads awkwardly.

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

" referenced designs from" - referred to?

Either way is fine, but revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Reception

"writing she acted "robotic and awkward" and suggesting she was not a strong actor" - that?

Revised. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"Critics had a mixed response to Sévérine when compared to previous female characters in James Bond films" - I had my doubts about this statement earlier as well. How can you have a mixed response with respectto something? I am not sure if I completely understand this. Was she not as good? Not as bad?

Revised. The critics were divided about the character; some felt that she was a better character than previous Bond girls while others felt she was a worse character, hence the mixed response in my original wording. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Rest looks fine.The last sentence in last paragraph could use a comma. Good work here. NumerounovedantTalk 20:05, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the review! I believe that I have addressed your comments. I do not believe a comma is necessary in the final sentence of the final paragraph. Aoba47 (talk) 22:54, 11 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Final Comments

I think you should remove the links from the publishers in the refs on their later appearances. Also, not completely sure of mentioning both the website and publisher fields. Rest looks good. Fine work. I'll pass once you address these. NumerounovedantTalk 06:25, 12 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for your comments. I received comments in the past during my FACs (such as here) that suggested that all of the references must be linked. I have heard mixed things about this so I am not entirely certain, but I am only going on what I have been given in the past. I include information in both the website and publisher fields where appropriate just to give a complete understanding of the source. It is probably just the graduate student and English major in me, but I always want to make sure that the citations provide as much information as possible. This is a style of citation that I have done for my past GAs and FAs, but I can change it if it is absolutely necessary. Just wanted to clarify these points with you. I can of course make the necessary adjustments and revisions if you believe that they are absolutely necessary. Thank you again! Aoba47 (talk) 14:23, 12 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

That won't be necessary. Pass. NumerounovedantTalk 16:19, 12 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you! This might actually be one of the articles that I am the proudest of since I worked on it from the ground up. Hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. Aoba47 (talk) 16:47, 12 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.