Talk:Rhadamistus/GA2

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Calvin999 (talk · contribs) 12:06, 25 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Hello @Calvin999: Are you going to review it? Jaqeli 10:22, 30 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Yes, I am. I haven't been well the past few days. When I take an article on for review, I always review it, even if it takes a little while for me to get to it. I try to help in the back log as much as possible in addition to contributions to articles myself, so I can be time-poor sometimes. — ₳aron 10:42, 30 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

My main issue at first glance is that the lead is extremely short and the main bulk of prose is... well, very bulky. Those paragraphs are very, very long. On reading it, it article reads very much like "he said, she said." It's bouncing back and forth like you're retelling a story, which isn't very encyclopaedic. You say Rhadamistus 26 times in the Life section, which is quite a lot of repetition, especially in successive sentences.

Info box

If he didn't have any children, is there any point in having an Issue parameter with "Unknown"?
Shouldn't BC be used for dates? Or say "in the year"? (And throughout the article?)

Lead

As I said before, it's too short. It should have where he was born, who he was born to etc. It should be no more than one paragraph, not a line and a half.
There shouldn't be any citations in the lead.

Life

The first paragraph could easily be three or four paragraphs.
The second paragraph could easily be two or three.
You don't mention where he was born?
an unknown Armenian princess → sounds like no one knew she existed, not that no one knows her name, which is what I gather you mean.
Each sentence should have a citation at the end of it.
Rhadamistus suffered impatiently an aged father's keeping him so long out of possession of the Kingdom of Iberia, which even if he had it, still seemed too small for satisfaction of his desires. → I think some words are missing here, because the first clause especially makes no sense to me at all.
audacious manner scared → comma after manner, as a clause is needed hear. It doesn't sound right when you read it out loud in it's current grammar.
own declining years → Not sure what you mean by this?
Later as if → Later, as though
telling his father that everything was ready and that he must complete this affair by using his sword. → I'm completely lost. What is supposed to be ready?
Meanwhile his father, Pharasmanes invented → Misplacement use of comma's here making the clause not sound right.
his brother, had opposed → Remove comma
him and he would now avenge him because of that. → Far too conversational and colloquial.
Can you link Iberian?
drove Mithridates in terror → Doesn't make sense.
the father-in-law of him → his father-in-law
Rhadamistus seeing his uncle threw → Rhadamistus, upon seeing his uncle, threw
He drew him into a neighboring woods, where he assured him that the appointed sacrifice was prepared for their confirmation of peace in the presence of the Iberian gods, as it was their custom, whenever they joined alliance, to unite their right hands and bind together the thumbs in a tight knot and then, when the blood would flow into the extremities, they would let it escape by a slight puncture and then suck it in turn. → Very long sentence.
But on this occasion the one → But on this occasion, the one
Who is "the one"?
Rhadamistus became King of Armenia in 51. → Goes back to my point about use of BC, as someone could at first glance misinterpret this as him becoming king aged 51.

Outcome

I've stopped reviewing past the first sentence of the second section in the Life section. There are a lot of grammatical errors here, basic ones at that, but a lot of them. I was really confused in some parts where what you are saying hadn't been previously explained or spoken about, but was being spoken about as if it had. It reads very much like a list of events and not prose-like. There are problems with citation and sourcing too because you haven't placed citations at the end of each sentence, which makes it look like WP:OR (which I'm sure it's not, but that's what it looks like because I can't check each sentences credibility). The size of the Life section paragraphs are an issue too, those two paragraphs are huge. I'm not saying to cut anything out, but they could definitely be split into shorter sentences. It's difficult to read when you have a 16 line paragraph (and I have a wide computer screen, so someone who has a smaller screen than me could have as many as up to 25 successive lines. I'm sorry but I'm failing this article. It needs going over again, perhaps by someone not involved, as the structure and grammar isn't that good yet and I found it difficult to read because of that. Find a second pair of eyes and re-nominate once you've addressed these issues. — ₳aron 16:17, 30 March 2015 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.