Talk:Reactions to the Kauhajoki school shooting/GA1

GA Review

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Review 1

Before I dive into the prose: 1. The lead needs to be expanded, at least two paragraphs. And at least one should include a brief summary of the actual shootings. As it is, there is nothing about the actual shootings in this article. 2. Current refs 18 and 31 are dead. 3. You need to change ref 29. A forum cannot be used as a reliable source (besides which it doesn't go to any thread anyway).

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 11:12, 7 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Done by Cyanidethistles. ☺ Spiby ☻ 14:55, 9 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

OK, here's a more complete review:

Lead

The response to the Kauhajoki school shooting, that occurred on 23 September 2008, was immense.

You should either use a less POV word than "immense", or provide several specific refs to support that point. You should probably do the former.

The shooting occurred at a vocational school in Kauhajoki, a city in Western Finland, in which 22-year-old culinary arts student Matti Juhani Saari shot and killed ten people before committing suicide. It was the first school shooting in Finland in ten months since the Jokela school shooting, in which eight students were killed.

As this section is not covered in the main article, you need refs for all of it.

The Government of Finland held a crisis meeting, and declared a national day of mourning for September 24. The ministers agreed that Finland's laws pertaining to gun ownership should be reviewed. The Finnish Police increased Internet surveillance, and investigated over 200 threats against schools.'

The way this paragraph reads is very choppy. "The Government of Finland held...The ministers agreed...The Finnish Police increased" Trying using some joining words, transitions to make it flow better.

Government

On the day of the incident, a crisis meeting was held, with government ministers, chairs of the parliamentary groups, and police officials all in attendance.

Did it just happen to be that day, or was it after the incident. You should specify.

Police Chief Paatero said that he would support a blanket ban of semi-automatic pistols.

This doesn't really fit in with the paragraph on government reaction. Maybe you could combine it in the police section.

In addition to this, the referencing process for being granted a firearms license would be intensified: two referees would have to be personally interviewed before a license was granted.

OK, a bit off here. Maybe add at the beginning, "In addition to this, Holmlund said that the referencing..."

Despite these assurances that change would be forthcoming, Holmlund came under considerable pressure from some members of parliament, particularly those in the Left Alliance, to quit for not acting sooner.

Would be better to use "resign" rather than "quit".

"Brax meanwhile, said that personal data protection legislation needed to be adjusted to allow a freer access to information among professionals"

I don't think "meanwhile" is a very good word use. Maybe something else, or not at all? Also, which "professionals" is she referring to?

Police

Police Chief Paatero, like Brax, announced a change in policy vis-à-vis information, with the National Bureau of Investigation (KRP) set to increase its Internet surveillance.

Try ", and it was announced the National Bureau of Investigation would increase..." Also, I think instead of using "vis-à-vis", try something simpler.

This would entail longer working days for KRP officers and more officers being assigned to the task of monitoring Internet activity.

Again, try, "He said this would..."

* Kajaani, where an 18-year-old man was detained after threatening to shoot people at his school.

   * Keuruu, where a school was evacuated after a 15-year-old made a bomb threat. He was also later detained. Another young boy at the age of 10, was detained in Joroinen, upon the suspicion that he had made a bomb threat.
   * Masku, where another 15-year-old boy reportedly frightened people by making threats. His case came under investigation by police.
   * Kuopio, where an 18-year-old vocational student was detained for uploading ominous material to IRC-Galleria. The student also created a fan group dedicated to the perpetrator on the site, albeit it was only intended to be a prank.[18] The fan group included a link to the website of an artist also called Matti Saari, which led to him press charges on the student for defamation.

This whole thing needs some refs.

Health care

Perhaps this could be combined under "Other", as it's rather short.

Students and residents of Kauhajoki

Three members of the congregation lit a further eleven candles (one for each killed, including Saari) at the service. Leading the service was Bishop Simo Peura, who reflected on Finland's treatment of young people, asking the question, "What kind of society are we building?".

I'm just wondering how relevant (especially the last sentence) is to the article)?

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 11:36, 12 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Lead: Done I think. I added refs and reworded slightly. I'm not so good at writing a lead though.
Government: Done Did everything exept the last one - Brax actually did not specify wich professionals she meant, I added a ref for that.
Police: Almost Done I added lots of refs, but I wasn't sure how to reword vis-à-vis without making the sentence very complicated.
Health care: Done
Students and residents of Kauhajoki: Not done The sentence was widely quoted in the finnish press, and I thought it was both notable and relevant (also sourced). If you however insist on it being removed I will do so.

☺ Spiby ☻ 17:22, 16 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Review 2

The Government of Finland held a crisis meeting, and declared a national day of mourning for September 24, with ministers agreeing that Finland's laws pertaining to gun ownership should be reviewed. The Finnish Police increased Internet surveillance, and investigated over 200 threats against schools.

This part still needs to expanded. You should give a couple of examples of how they proposed to change the gun laws. Try the same for the police. Also, you have a whole section on the reactions by students and the town, yet say nothing about it in the lead.

It was the first school shooting in Finland in ten months since the Jokela school shooting, in which eight students were killed.

Still needs a ref.

The fan group included a link to the website of an artist also called Matti Saari, which led to him press charges on the student for defamation.

Also needs ref.

CR (current ref) 35 is dead.

Done Expanded the lead, and added a section about the students and the town. Refs added, and removed dead ref since it was covered by another ref. ☺ Spiby ☻ 15:12, 17 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

My apologies for taking so long to pass. This article is now a pass. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 11:08, 26 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]