Talk:Pyramid Head/GA1

GA Review

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GA review (see here for criteria)

I found the article to be overall effective and informative, especially for someone such as myself who has never played any Silent Hill games.

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
I'm giving a pass on the prose, per the GA criteria, though a more thorough copyedit would be recommended if you want to take it further. Some of the sentences felt stilted, and the natural flow was disrupted a few times by short sentences or awkward transitions. This didn't affect understandability of the subject, however. One minor issue was accessibility for those unversed in the Silent Hill universe. Most of this was taken care of, though in the Silent Hill 2 appearance section, you mention "Pyramid Head rapes and kills two Mannequin creatures", though I have no idea what these creatures are; perhaps a link to the relevant section in List of Silent Hill monsters would be helpful.
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
I would like to confirm the reliability of several sources you use: Refs 10, 12, 16, 22, 23, and 29-32.
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
The single image of Pyramid Head contains a bare-bones FUR, which is no reason to fail the article, though I'd recommend beefing it up some. Also, the source reads "Promotional material distributed by Konami for the character." but this doesn't tell me where the image actually came from, such as a website.
Overall:
Pass/Fail:
These issues should be easy enough to go through. Great work on the article.

--十八 00:57, 3 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for taking the time to review.

Prose

Fixed the part about the Manniquin monsters.
Also, if you point out the places where the prose is rough, I'll happily fix it.

Refs:

10: Well Played 1.0 is a CC-distributed book that is an "in-depth close readings of video games that parse out the various meanings to be found in the experience of playing a game".[1]
12: Leigh Alexander has written for Destructoid, Paste, and Gamasutra, where she is the news director.[2][3][4]
16: Removed.
22: GameDaily does have an editorial staff and is owned by AOL.[5]
23: Removed.
29-32: Games Radar is listed as a reliable source by the video games Wikiproject, per these discussions [6] [7].

Images

To be honest, I have no idea where the picture came from. If I had to guess, it's probably from Konami's The Book of Lost Memories, but I can't say for sure. If you'd like, I could replace it with a screenshot from the game.

Kaguya-chan (talk) 21:48, 3 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

On second look, the Tom Waltz interview I feel should be left in. I was mainly looking for websites that didn't seem reliable at first glance, but an interview of someone close to Silent Hill media is more or less neutral. The other refs seem okay to me now. As for the image, I guess you could ask the original uploader for a possible source, since I doubt the article could go to FA without a proper source or a more thorough FUR.

Prose suggestions:

Design and characteristics

Masahiro Ito, the designer of Silent Hill 2's monsters, wanted to create "a monster with a hidden face". He added the pyramid-shaped helm to hide the monster's face.

We know Ito wanted to hide the monster's face from the first sentence, so repeating this in the second is redundant. Rewrite it into one sentence, such as "Masahiro Ito, the designer of Silent Hill 2's monsters, wanted to create "a monster with a hidden face", which lead him to add the pyramid-shaped helm."

According to Ito, "The triangle has right angles and acute angles, their sharpness suggests the possibility of pain."

I know this is a direct quote, but the transition from "angels" to "their" is ungrammatical, and the repetition of "angels" is redundant. You could paraphrase the quote to make reading it easier. Such as: "According to Ito, the possibility of pain is suggested, because of the triangle's sharp right and acute angles."

Pyramid Head's appearance was a variation of the outfits of the executioners from times past

When you say "times past", are you talking about real-life history, or the fictional history of Silent Hill? I ask, because you immediately bring up Valtiel, so while reading the first part of the sentence implies a real-life history reference, you transition to a fictional history in the latter part of the sentence, making it confusing.

Appearances

Terrified, James hides in a closet and as Pyramid Head stops near it, he panics and shoots him with a handgun several times. Pyramid Head then leaves.

The second sentence is a little too short. Perhaps: "Terrified and panicked, James hides in a closet and shoots Pyramid head with a handgun several times, which causes him to leave."

Near a stairway, James witnesses his rape of another creature; Pyramid Head then attempts to kill him. After a few minutes, sirens sound in the distance and Pyramid Head descends the flooded stairway, removing the water.

Suggestion: "James witnesses Pyramid Head's rape of another creature when near a flooded stairway and Pyramid Head attempts to kill him. After a few minutes, sirens sound in the distance and Pyramid Head descends the stairway, removing the water."

--十八 00:20, 4 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

I have made all the suggested changes and left a note on the original uploader's talk page. Kaguya-chan (talk) 01:43, 4 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Congrats, I am passing the article; great work.--十八 02:05, 4 September 2010 (UTC)[reply]