Talk:Prince Oana/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Seattle (talk · contribs) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I will review this soon. Seattle (talk) 19:53, 8 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

No dead links, watch DAB links

~~The lead inadequately summarizes his life~~
- ~~I don't see a need to list all the minor league teams he has played for.~~

- More MLB statistics would be beneficial, as that's where MLB players derive their notability, especially as a pitcher and outfielder.

- ~~No mention of the "early years" section~~

- ~~No mention of the "Vision problems and later years" section~~

~~I would much prefer that the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" and "Reputation as a playboy" be merged into a "personal life" section.~~

for Detroit Tigers in 1943 and 1945. article needed

~~The quote parameter would work best for reference 19~~

~~File:Prince Oana 1932 Zeenut PCL card.jpg: I would list the author as "Uncredited".~~

Those are my initial thoughts. I will go into greater detail when the broad issues have been addressed. Seattle (talk) 15:00, 9 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Issues mostly fixed, thanks for the review. Yeah I didn't like the lead as written so I had no problem redoing that. Only thing I didn't change is the heritage section, since I like that being in the playing career, since it gives a nice look at him while breaking up the career for a lay reader. I did move the playboy part to the personal life section, so that's available if you still disagree. Wizardman 01:34, 13 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

OK, I can see the reason in that, and it's chronological. Progressing:

the site of the former Oahu Sugar Company plantation, in either 1908 or 1910, although most evidences indicate the later date as his birth year. Baseball-Reference makes no mention of either the "Oahu Sugar Company plantation" or the alternate birth year, or those "most evidences"

who later worked as a bookkeeper at the sugar plantation and later two "laters" too close.

Oana was a boy when the Oahu Sugar Strike of 1920 resulted in the deaths of more than 150 persons so what? What's the connection?

According to some accounts, Ty Cobb, who was himself barnstorming in Japan, could you be more specific than "some accounts"? Can you link or explain "barnstorming" somewhere?

Ultimate, "[h]e found → "ultimately"

Oana compiled impressive batting averages rmv "impressive"

He also totaled 29 home runs, 63 doubles, and 11 triples in 686 at bats during the 1933 season.[11] Oana also reportedly led the Pacific Coast League in 1933 with 163 RBIs. Combine, and we doesn't Baseball Reference keep a record of that?

Perhaps hoping to avoid having to pay Portland the full $20,000 purchase price if Oana stayed for the season sounds like OR if that's only referenced to Baseball-Reference

Are the first bits in the "Hawaiian heritage and nickname" covered by The Sporting News reference?

as some suggested that a full-blooded "Kanaka" can you link "Kanaka" somewhere?

In the end, the lure of billing Oana as a full-blooded Hawaiian prince proved irresistible. I would remove that sentence entirely, that seems like OR

Is the first paragraph of "Atlanta Crackers" referenced by "Cy Kritzer (July 31m 1946)." Watch that "m" too...

Finding no interest from major league clubs after an impressive 1934 season in Atlanta I would remove "impressive", I think that's a WP:PEACOCK term.

Can you mention the positions he played for Atlanta?

While in Jackson, he became one of the best power hitters in the Southeastern League. A lot of PEACOCKs here.

he became a sensation again, if someone called him a sensation, that's fine to quote with a reference, but saying it alone isn't.

However, baseball commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis ruled that Oana was a free agent since the Texas League had disbanded. reference?

Oana played a key role same as the "sensation" bit

His only major league game as a starting pitcher was on September 12, 1945, against the Philadelphia Athletics. Oana allowed one hit through you can combine these two, use a colon

He got off to a hot start no

player manager hyphened above

Beau Brummel link somewhere?

Don't just link years in the lead per WP:EGG

A note on his Hawaiian heritage and nickname would be contextual in the lead.

DUP detector checks out. Seattle (talk) 18:55, 13 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I think I got everything now. Atlanta I didn't add the position though since he was an outfielder from his start to the pitching conversion in the 40s, so it wouldn't have changed. Wizardman 22:53, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

If you could link "barnstorming" somewhere, that would be great. Seattle (talk) 23:57, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done Wizardman 03:19, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]