Talk:Piri/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Sammi Brie (talk · contribs) 17:15, 8 July 2023 (UTC)

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

1. It is reasonably well written.

   a. (prose, spelling, and grammar):

   See copy changes below

   b. (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):

   See below on the lead section

2. It is factually accurate and verifiable.

   a. (reference section):

   b. (citations to reliable sources):

   c. (OR):

   d. (copyvio and plagiarism):

   Earwig mostly catches quotes from interviews.

3. It is broad in its coverage.

   a. (major aspects):

   b. (focused):

4. It follows the neutral point of view policy.

   Fair representation without bias:

5. It is stable.

   No edit wars, etc.:

6. It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.

   a. (images are tagged and non-free content have non-free use rationales):

   There are five images. All five were supplied by the same user, commons:User:Piri.ioo. I consulted with User:Snowmanonahoe in re: rights and he said that because the images had not been published elsewhere, they should be acceptable. Linking for the record: User talk:Launchballer#Piri — images

   b. (appropriate use with suitable captions):

   Encouragement: Add alt text for the images for the benefit of those using screen readers. Not necessary for GA, but it's something good editors should know about.

7. Overall:

   Pass/fail:

(Criteria marked are unassessed)

Copy changes

Lead section

I feel like the lead section is too much "they released X on Y, Y on Z, Z on A..." Pull back the lens a little bit with a better summary lead that wraps up the article's contents.

I took out the dates and reinserted a paragraph previously removed by Drmies which I believe helps summarise the article.

This is much better.

Life and career

• She had previously worked part time shifts at Asda, and had previously wanted to become a lecturer after being inspired by her organic chemistry lecturer. Two issues:
  • "Had previously" twice in the same sentence
  • The comma is not needed because there is only one subject ("she"). User:Sammi Brie/Commas in sentences (CinS in future)

I split this up; Asda at the start of OnlyFans, and lecturer before pole fitness.

• McBurnie set up an OnlyFans account in May 2020 as she found herself £2,000 into her overdraft after completing her degree, with shifts at Asda failing to clear her debt. I wonder if moving all the references in this sentence to the end of the sentence would make for easier reading.

I would feel very uncomfortable knowingly referencing statements to sources that don't contain them under any circumstances.

• She told The Times in November 2022 that she experienced less backlash than she was expecting, and that her account had "about 1,000 to 2,000 fans paying about $12 a month", which after the site had deducted its fees meant she made "between $10,000 and $20,000 a month", which she was able to use to fund her music career, buy a computer and microphone, and move to north London. Split this sentence: the two hanging "which" clauses in a row make it awkward.

Replaced the second ", which" with "; with this,".

• ...the song saw use in 130,000 videos, which caught the attention of EMI, who re-released Would likely read better if "which caught" became "catching"

Done.

• The song was Villiers's attempt at making a jungle track, which he later annotated with what he described as "some Isley Brothers type of tones", and which ends with a spoken word section, from a video of the trip. The second which (bolded here) is unneeded.

I've actually ended the sentence after "tones", to bring it in line with the others, and also because it's in "Beachin" anyway.

• Lyrically, the song describes a challenging period in their relationship, and helped them express their frustrations and work through their problems Remove the second comma (CinS)

Done.

• The mixtape contained songs about their relationship, and was promoted with a nine-date tour, Froge.tour, in November 2022, and a twelve episode YouTube Shorts series, Froge.tv, in which McBurnie and Villiers explained what the album's songs were written about.
  • Remove the first comma (CinS)
  • Hyphenate "twelve-episode".
  • Consider restructuring a bit: The mixtape contained songs about their relationship and was promoted with Froge.tour, a nine-date tour in November 2022, and Froge.tv, a twelve-episode YouTube Shorts series in which McBurnie and Villiers explained the meaning behind the album's songs.

I've actually taken the phrase "contained songs about their relationship, and" out, because having written Froge.mp3, I no longer believe it to be accurate. For starters, "Can We" deals with early music industry experiences, and "Player 2" deals with Villiers' departure from "his previous band" (Porij, though I can't find a good enough source for that).

• On 11 January 2023, Clash reported that McBurnie and Villiers had split up, but remained friends, would release previously recorded music, and planned to work together in the future. The second comma (after "split up") should go (CinS)

Done.

• Italicize Radio 1's Future Sounds which appears to be the name of a program.

Done.

Artistry

• She told Notion in March 2022 that she usually writes about "whatever [she's] feeling at that exact time", and that "a lot of our songs kind of act like a snapshot of how life/ our relationship was at the time of the writing" Drop the comma (CinS); remove the space after the slash in the second quote.

Done.

• Her amphibian motif extended into the band's videos; their "Words" video featured a frog jumping around, while the "On & On" video featured her accidentally eating a psychedelic frog-filled hot dog and the band's "Updown" video features her turning the director into a frog. You need a comma after "hot dog", as that has a subject and verb.

Done.

• She is also noted for her pole dancing, which she started at the pole fitness society at Lancaster University whilst in her second year after attending a taster session with her housemate as a joke, and which she occasionally integrates into her performances, such as in the music videos for "Soft Spot" and "Updown", and whilst performing on-stage. Consider reorganizing this sentence; it's long.

I merged "which she started at the pole fitness society at Lancaster University whilst in her second year after attending a taster session with her housemate as a joke, and " into the university paragraph.

Personal life

• Italicize 1883 and Brighton & Hove News as the names of publications.

Done.

Spot checks and referencing

I choose about 10 percent of the references to randomly be spot-checked.

• 7: This interview checks out for the "loads of tech house" and the Japanese bench items. Consider adding {{rp}} to the uses to indicate the timestamps of when things are spoken in interviews. Y
• 16: Looks to be good, but only use as an WP:ABOUTSELF source. Y
• 21: Appears to be a pre-release page, but it does say "Available June 4, 2021". Y
• 48: Quote from NME checks out. Y
• 54: Article in Clash: Addressing this, piri has placed a short video online, confirming the “amicable” break-up and insisting that they remain friends.The two plan to release previously recorded music, and still intend to work together in the future. Y
• 56: Offline source. Will instead check...
  • • 57: Checks out. I would attribute this statement in text: Izzy Morris of LeftLion described the song as "hyperpop". Y
• 71: The "raver couple" quote is in the GigWise review. Y

A general comment for the future: please remember to add author names where appropriate to citations.

Questionable references

• What makes ref 47 (WithGuitars) reliable?

WithGuitars purports to have a team of writers including "a few former national editors of indie, alternative, and rock magazine titles" and John Robb.

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.