Talk:Pickawillany/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: GhostRiver (talk · contribs) 16:39, 16 October 2021 (UTC)

I will be taking a look at this! — GhostRiver 16:39, 16 October 2021 (UTC)

Good Article review progress box

Criteria: 1a. prose () 1b. MoS () 2a. ref layout () 2b. cites WP:RS () 2c. no WP:OR () 2d. no WP:CV () 3a. broadness () 3b. focus () 4. neutral () 5. stable () 6a. free or tagged images () 6b. pics relevant () Note: this represents where the article stands relative to the Good Article criteria. Criteria marked are unassessed

Infobox and lede

• Per MOS:LEADCITE, information cited in the body does not also need to be cited in the lede
• See below about Memeskia's nicknames
• Comma after "June 21, 1752" per MOS:DATECOMMA
• Do not bold "Raid on Pickawillany" or "Battle of Pickawillany" per MOS:BOLDLEAD
• Comma after "Piqua, Ohio" per MOS:GEOCOMMA

Etymology

• "The English term Pickawillany derives from the Shawnee word for the Miamis – pkiiwileni 'foreigner'." → "The English term Pickawillany derives from pkiiwileni, the Sawnee word for the Miami people – literally, "foreigner"."
• "Shawnee pekowiiøa 'ash people'." → "Shawnee pekowiiøa, or "ash people"." per MOS:DOUBLE

Establishment and early history

• "to abandon Junundat in 1747" → "to abandon Junundat that year"
• The two sentences given to Memeskia's name seem to have too much WP:DETAIL
• Use the conversion template on figures like "100 miles"
• I would cut the "unfortunately" as too POV, especially because it asks the question, "Unfortunate for whom?"
• Also, that sentence about it being too deep in Ohio Country for military assistance needs to be cited

Visit by Celoron de Blainville, 1749

• "In response to these new English alliances,"
• Per MOS:SEASON, "summer of" should be avoided and replaced with a more specific time frame (if possible), or with "mid-1749"
• Quotation marks should be outside the wikilink for "lead plate expedition"
• "Immediately upon arriving" → "Immediately upon his arrival"
• The information in parentheses would be better served as a footnote. Instructions can be found at Help:Shortened footnotes#Explanatory notes.
• ""had not much objection."" → ""had not much objection"." per MOS:LQ
• The third paragraph requires more citations after the direct quote, per WP:INTEGRITY
• "Chief Cold Foot and told him" → "Chief Cold Food, telling him"

Fort and trading post, 1749-1750

• Spaces before and after a set of ellipses, per MOS:ELLIPSIS
• See the note on MOS:SEASON above

Visit by John Patten, 1750

• See above with parentheticals becoming footnotes
• Comma after "invited to Fort St. Philippe"
• "and returned to Pennsylvania" → "whereupon he returned to Pennsylvania"

Visit by Christopher Gist, 1751

• Comma after "the speaker of the Miamis replied"
• Same MOS:ELLIPSIS comments as above
• Delink George Croghan, linked above

French plans to attack Pickawillany

• Same MOS:SEASON comments as above
• Comma after "Jacques-Pierre de Taffanel de la Jonquière"

Raid on Pickawillany, 1752

• Same MOS:SEASON comments as above
• No comma needed after coureur de bois
• "thirty" → "30" per MOS:NUM
• "Langlade with 240 Indians and one other unidentified Frenchman arrived at the village" → "Langlade arrived at the village with 240 Indians and one other unidentified Frenchman"
• "had no water (the fort's well had apparently gone dry)" → "had no water, the fort's well having gone dry,"
• "a gunshot wound "in the belly."" → "a gunshot wound to his abdomen."
• "to the eater" → "to whoever consumed it"

Contemporary accounts of the raid

• Good

English accounts

• "November, 1752" → "November 1752" per MOS:BADDATE

French accounts

• Good

Aftermath

• "June, 1753" → "June 1753" per MOS:BADDATE
• The short paragraphs start to read like proseline. I believe that the paras can be combined into the following:
  • "The five English traders", "Andrew McBryer," and "In 1756 George Croghan", as these all discuss the specific outcomes of individuals not detailed below
  • "Memeskia's wife" and "Langade garnered"; both paras mention Langlade
  • "A month after the raid" and "Following the attack"; both describe what happened to the site
  • The Burney paragraph can stay as is
• As for an order, go with whatever you feel is right.

Later history

• Comma after "Vincennes, Indiana," per MOS:GEOCOMMA
• Comma after "however, until 1769,"
• ""Loramie's Station."" → ""Loramie's Station"." per MOS:LQ

Archaeological investigations

• Use the conversion template on all of the acres and meters in this section
• Comma after "over 1500 artifacts have been recovered"
• Comma after "Between 2009 and 2011"

References

• Only the title of the work should be linked, whereas the extra information (author, journal/publisher, date, access date) should not be.
• Additionally, all online sources require an access date ("Retrieved x day")

General comments

• Images are properly licensed and relevant. Many of them are, however, quite large: per MOS:IMGSIZE, images should not be set to a fixed width larger than 220px without very good reason. Most of the maps are at 350px, which is technically allowable but creates some viewing difficulties even on my laptop screen, to say nothing of mobile readers.
• No stability concerns present in the revision history
• Copyvio score looks good at 23.7% from attributed direct quotes

Putting on hold for now. Please feel free to ping me with any questions or comments. — GhostRiver 16:49, 17 October 2021 (UTC)

Dear GhostRiver, thank you very much for this thorough review. I have made corrections and changes following your recommendations. I hope this satisfies GA criteria. Please let me know if you would like to see any additional changes. Cmacauley (talk) 21:02, 17 October 2021 (UTC)

I have made one more edit, just to turn a parenthetical into a foot/endnote as suggested, and to show you how to do such a thing if you would like to learn. I must say the article was very well-written; most of my comments were on Manual of Style quirks that are not necessarily intuitive unless you have been writing or reviewing GAs for a while. With all those changes made, though, I'll be happy to pass this article! — GhostRiver 16:49, 18 October 2021 (UTC)

Thanks again, GhostRiver for your work on this article, and for your many other significant contributions to Wikipedia. Cmacauley (talk) 21:32, 18 October 2021 (UTC)