Talk:Pharnavaz I/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: 3family6 (talk · contribs) 18:53, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Writing errors

Grammatical errors (Errors bolded):

In the "Reign" section:

"Pharnavaz have introduced a military-administrative organization based on a network of regional governors or eristavi." - Change to "had"
"Iberia had totally 7 eristavis... ." - should be "in total"
"Back then the total population of the kingdom would have been, including foreign captives and the population of the tributary areas, about 600,000 which could raise a fairly big army not less than 100,000." - insert comma after 600,000.
"Parnavaz is then reported to have embarked on social and cultural projects; he 'supervises two building projects." - change to "supervised"
"He took a Dzurdzuk woman in marriage, in order to consolidate the alliance of Iberia with the Dzurdzuks, who helped him consolidate his reign against his unruly vassals,[30] while similarly he married his sister to a Sarmatian chief.[29]" - this needs to be broken up into different sentences
"According to the Georgian royal annals he also created the Georgian script and made Georgian language an official language of the kingdom:[31]" - either change "Georgian language" to "Georgian" or else re-write as "... made the Georgian language... ."

The "Legacy" section":

"The third and last Georgian royal Bagrationi dynasty claims descent directly from Pharnavaz.[39] During the monarchy in Georgia with the continuity of royalty all Georgian kings saw themselves as heirs to the Kingdom of Iberia, state which was founded by King Pharnavaz.[40]

There is King Pharnavaz's street, avenue and statue in Tbilisi. Streets are named after him in Batumi, Kutaisi, Khashuri, Gori, Gurjaani, Sachkhere, Zestaponi etc. Some schools, hotels etc. are named after him and about 500 Georgians bear his name.[41]" - This entire section needs to be re-written due to multiple grammatical errors. Also, use "such as" or "including" at the beginning of a sentence instead of using "etc."

Merge "In film" section with "legacy"
One sentence is not enough to justify this section as standalone, especially since the "Legacy" section is so small.

Spell out small numbers:

Iberia had... ...7 eristavis" - change to "seven"
"The kingdom had 1 spaspet who was under the direct control of the royal power based in Inner Kartli." - change to "one"
"Some schools, hotels etc. are named after him and about 500 Georgians bear his name." - change to "five hundred"

One sentence paragraph:

"The existence of a peculiar local form of Aramaic in pre-Christian Georgia has been archaeologically documented.[32]" - This is listed in the "reign" section. It needs to be merged into another paragraph, it cannot stand along per MOS:PARAGRAPHS guidelines.

Point of ambiguity:

"His son, Saurmag, became a successor to the throne.[35]" - were their other successors? If not, rewrite as "succeeded him to the throne." If there were other claimants, then that will need to be explained.

Referencing

The referencing is good, but I think the second paragraph in "Life" could use a few more citations.

Overall

Significant writing issues throughout the article. If those are fixed, this article should be able to go forward to good article status.--¿3family6 _contribs 18:53, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@3family6: Done. Jaqeli (talk) 19:29, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@Jaqeli: The "Legacy" section still needs a rewrite. Also, after doing this review, I noticed that you are under a topic ban. I don't know whether this article falls within the scope of the ban or not. I requested comment from User:EdJohnston.--¿3family6 _contribs 20:37, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@3family6: No it does not. This article is not under the TBAN so relax. What exactly is the problem of legacy section? Jaqeli (talk) 20:40, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@Jaqeli: Forgive me for not taking your word for it, but I will wait for comment as to whether or not this falls under the ban. As for the "Legacy" section:

"The third and last Georgian royal Bagrationi dynasty claims descent directly from Pharnavaz.[39]" - is it the third Bagrationi dynasty, or was the Bagrationi dynasty the third royal dynasty? I'm assuming the latter, in which case you can rewrite the sentence as "The third and last Georgian royal dynasty, the Bagrationi dynasty, claims descent directly from Pharnavaz" or "The Bagrationi dynasty, the third and last Georgian royal dynasty, claims descent directly from Pharnavaz."

"During the monarchy in Georgia with the continuity of royalty all Georgian kings saw themselves as heirs to the Kingdom of Iberia, state which was founded by King Pharnavaz.[40]" - I honestly can barely even comprehend what this is trying to say. What does "the continuity of royalty" mean? This sentence needs a complete rewrite. I'd make a suggestion except I don't know that this is even saying. For the second half, "...heirs to the Kingdom of Iberia, state which was founded by King Pharnavaz", just remove the comma and "state", and that part will be correct. But the first half is barely comprehensible.

"There is King Pharnavaz's street, avenue and statue in Tbilisi." - this needs an introduction, and the grammar is wrong. Add an introduction for the entire paragraph, and rewrite this sentence as something like "For instance, in Tbilisi there is a King Pharnavaz Street, Avenue, as well as a statue of Pharnavaz."

"Streets are named after him in Batumi, Kutaisi, Khashuri, Gori, Gurjaani, Sachkhere, Zestaponi etc. Some schools, hotels etc. are named after him and about 500 Georgians bear his name.[41]" - Perhaps reword as "Also, there are streets named after Pharnavaz in Batumi, Kutaisi, Khashuri, Gori, Gurjaani, Sachkhere, Zestaponi and others. Some buildings, including schools and hotels, also bear his name, as well as about five hundred Georgians."--¿3family6 _contribs 21:03, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@3family6: Done Jaqeli (talk) 21:15, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@Jaqeli: The info about streets, buildings, and other namesakes needs an introductory sentence. Right now it starts of with "For instance...", but fails to explain what the examples are instances of.

Once this is addressed, the only thing preventing this article from going forward is the issue of your topic ban and whether it applies here.--¿3family6 _contribs 21:28, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

@3family6: Done Again, it's been more than 4 months now my TBAN is in action and I know where I should edit and where not so relax. This article is not under that ban. Jaqeli (talk) 21:33, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Everything looks in order now, so if @Sandstein: confirms that this article is outside the scope of your ban, I will happily promote it to Good Article.--¿3family6 _contribs 21:38, 13 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Jaqeli's contributions to this article, Pharnavaz I of Iberia, violate Jaqeli's topic ban from topics that relate to both Armenia and Georgia. This applies to this article because it is about an ancient Georgian king and it contains the text "in the early Armenian histories as (..) and P'arazean (Primary History of Armenia 14;" and "the resurgent Orontids of Armenia". In enforcement of the topic ban, Jaqeli is blocked for two weeks. I have no opinion about the quality of the article. Sandstein 06:29, 14 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I am approving this article for GA, although Jaqeli CANNOT claim credit for it until their topic ban is lifted, if and when that happens.--¿3family6 _contribs 18:33, 17 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]