Talk:Pavel Bure/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Reso lute 03:01, 11 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for criteria)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Reviewing with a look towards a second FAC nomination:

Images: All good
References: Good. hockeydb, The Russia Journal and Rotoworld will all likely be challenged at a FAC. I have been able to show hockeydb's reliability in the past, but be prepared to show that the latter two are reliable.

There are several multi-sentence passages before inline references are provided. I am going to assume that such references cover all of the preceding text.

"Bure joined the club full-time in 1988–89 and amassed a record-setting 17 goals, the largest single-season total for any first-year player in the Soviet League, in his rookie season to earn rookie of the year honours." - redundancies. You note he was a rookie/first year player three times, and that he set a record twice.
"Bure's individual success helped CSKA Moscow capture their thirteenth consecutive Soviet championship and eleventh consecutive IIHF European Champions Cup in 1989 (they would repeat as European champions the following year)." - needs citation

Pending

Found ref for IIHF ECC, still looking for Soviet championship ref. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 04:51, 15 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"His 35 goals was second in league goal-scoring, just one goal behind Ramil Yuldashev of Sokil Kyiv." - remove unnecessary qualifiers. eg: "just" in this sentence. (look for other examples)
"That off-season, in August 1991, Bure was offered a three-year contract extension with CSKA Moscow, which he turned down." Comma abuse. Can be simplified: "Bure turned down a three-year contract extension in August 1991, resulting in his being left of the roster of the Soviet team for the Canada Cup." (look for other examples)
The Vancouver Canucks section is one massive, unbroken lump of text. It might be beneficial to break that into two sections.

I gave the draft and legal proceedings its own section entitled "Transfer to the NHL". Is this appropriate/sufficient?

"Team executives reportedly stormed the Met Center stage in Minnesota, where the draft was being held, protesting the choice immediately following its announcement." - Which team?

The ref doesn't specify which team execs. Should I mention they're unspecified or remove it altogether?

Found ref specifying that a Red Wings scout protested immediately, but nothing specifying which team reps rushed the stage. I ended up noting that it was reported as unspecified. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 06:12, 15 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"Bure was signed to a four-year contract soon thereafter, on October 31,[7] worth a reported $2.7 million with an $800,000 signing bonus." Using both "soon thereafter" and the date is redundant, and forces a break in the sentence. Use only one: "Bure signed a four-year contract worth a reported $2.7 million with an $800,000 signing bonus soon thereafter/on October 31. Also, note what currency this is - you will be asked at FAC

Trying to find a ref that specifies which currency. In the meantime, however, is this necessary for GA?

"Beginning to garner much attention in Vancouver," "Beginning" is unnecessary. "Garnering much attention in Vancouver,..."
"Bure's addition to the Canucks lineup bolstered a core that featured Linden and goaltender Kirk McLean, a previous Vezina Trophy nominee in 1989 and 1992 as the league's best goaltender, helping the Canucks to their first of two consecutive Smythe Division titles." - citation needed

Looking for one.

Done. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 05:51, 15 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"He also became, in the process, the first Canuck to reach the 50-goal milestone." Unnecessary comment, as you establish in the previous sentence that the old record was 44.
"Bure reached another club mark on March 9, breaking the Canucks' single-season points record of 91, previously held by Patrik Sundström. He broke the record with two assists in a 7–2 win against the New Jersey Devils." Redundant again. Perhaps: "Hhis two assists in a 7-2 win over the New Jersey Devils moved him past Patrick Sundstrom's franchise record of 91 points", or some such.
"Bure eventually finished the season with 110 points in 82 games and became the first Canuck named to the NHL First All-Star Team" - another unnecessary qualifier: eventually"
"He finished the season on the strength of a 19-goal, 30-point month of March that saw him be named player of the month for the 16-game stretch." - Awkward statement. Perhaps: "He finished the season with a 19-goal, 30-point stretch that saw him named the player of the month for March."
"In the seventh game of the opening round series against the Calgary Flames, Bure scored one of the most significant and well-known goals in Canucks history." citation needed
"In the subsequent off-season, the Canucks announced, on June 16,[40] that Bure re-signed to a five-year, $24.5 million contract.[41] The deal, which also put Bure's father, Vladimir, on the team payroll as a fitness and marketing consultant,[40] was reported to have been signed prior to game three of the Stanley Cup Finals against New York.[42]" A lot of commas in a short space. Try to re-word
"Due to the 1994–95 NHL lockout, Bure spent brief single game stints with..." "Brief" is unnecessary
"In the season opener against the Calgary Flames, on October 5, 1996, however, Bure was pushed into the boards head first while carrying the puck by rookie defenceman Todd Simpson." - comma abuse. Consider rewording
"Complemented by 36 assists, his 58 goals and 94 points both finished as franchise record-setting marks for single-season totals." - again, too many unnecessary words. "His 58 goals and 94 points both represented single-season records."
"Having previously undergone reconstructive knee surgeries in 1995 and 1999, Bure suffered another another injury to his knee..." There is no need to repeat that he had undergone knee surgeries here. I'd start at "Bure suffered another knee injury..." (remove one of those "another"s too)
"Bure returned that season to appear in 39 games, managing 19 goals and 30 points in the injury-shortened season." Unnecessary to point out it was an injury shortened season when you spend the entire paragraph describing how he was injured
"Plagued by injuries throughout his career..." again, unnecessary.
"After Bure sustained his first serious knee injury in 1995, Bure pursued the watchmaking business during his rehabilitation period in an attempt to revive the family business." - try to avoid reusing the same words multiple times in one sentence.

I am placing the nomination on hold pending some revisions to the article. Cheers, Reso lute 03:01, 11 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Reply

Thanks very much for taking the time to review. I addressed all the above prose issues with the exception of the ones I've added further notation for. Please let me know if there's anything further I can do. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 00:54, 14 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Looks good so far. I'll take another look in a day or two when I have more time. Reso lute 00:16, 16 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks! Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 00:19, 16 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I still need a citation for the statement that Bure's OT winner against Calgary in 94 is the most significant in Canucks history. While I can certainly appreciate that it is probably true, without the citation it reads as your POV rather than a historical statement. Once we have that, I think it will be good for a GA pass. It won't stop me for GA, but if you intend to go to a FAC later, you will want to really cut down on the overuse of Bure's name. The first paragraph in his early life section, for instance, uses "Bure" six times. You don't need to keep referencing who you are talking about so often. Reso lute 23:58, 16 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

My bad, I had forgotten about that one. I've cited two good refs.Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 02:10, 17 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Looks good. I'm satisfied this is a good article. I would recommend finding an experience copyeditor before trying at FAC again, however. Cheers, Reso lute 02:41, 17 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Awesome. Thanks again for your time; couldn't have done it without you. Orlandkurtenbach (talk) 03:20, 17 December 2009 (UTC)[reply]