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Talk:On Her Shoulders/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Kingsif (talk · contribs) 15:10, 20 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]


I'll review this :)

First point, I think MOS:FILM wants the cast list above production. More notes to come. Kingsif (talk) 15:10, 20 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]

 Done

Style

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  • Lead good length for article
  • I don't know if "kidnapping" should be plural; perhaps "going on" could be 'happening', but neither of these are major.
 Done
  • I feel that She remembers taking notice of the speech, and paying attention to the genocide of Yazidis by ISIS. is just drawing out the point that seeing the speech alerted Bombach to the genocide. And from the next sentence, it doesn't really sound like the film was her idea (so how much did she take from it)?
 Done In one interview she mentioned "taking notice of the speech, and paying attention to the genocide of Yazidis by ISIS". She does not elaborate so removed the sentence.
  • The quote in the development paragraph needs to be integrated better. Where you've chosen to start it is a great place to embed into prose, but you haven't, which is disappointing :( It's grammatical flow is also currently wrong. It would be easier to make it fit if split after "her story", or using bracketed paraphrasing to resolve things like "we were", which makes it harder to embed fluidly.
 Done
  • First sections generally written good. There's probably some areas for improvement but nothing required for GA.
  • Could Bombach said they had no idea what was going to happen day to day be integrated into the previous sentence? It doesn't feel significant enough to get its own with so much more information there.
 Done
  • Similarly, is there a reason why According to Bombach, "I lied" is written out like that? If not done for a reason (please reply if it has!) you could add "Bombach said she lied to them" on the end of the last sentence.
 Done
  • Needs a [sic] next to the Rotten Tomatoes quote ("effect" should be 'wikt:affect', but Tomatoes does say "effect")
 Done
  • The reviews section is just "X of the Y said: quote". Summary style is preferred, with some quotes where they are needed/support.
 Done
  • Needs work

Coverage

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  • Lead doesn't warrant an entire cast list; perhaps Obama and Ban Ki-Moon on notability above the others.
  • Since Rotten Tomatoes has listed 52 reviews, I just want to check that the ones selected for the article are reflective of the views spread among all. I wouldn't suggest adding many more reviews so as to not make the article really review-heavy, but if the other reviews discuss certain things that aren't covered here, those things may be worth a mention. And as said above, the current reviews included should be expanded on.
  • Needs attention
 Done

Illustration

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  • Good infobox and awards table.
  • The body image of Murad could be moved to the cast list. There's a lot of space below to give more even image coverage, and it would stop it from hanging off the bottom of the infobox. (Or left where is if cast list moved up!)
  • Needs attention

 Done

Neutrality

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  • Looks fine.
  • Pass

Stability

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  • History looks good.
  • Pass

Verifiability

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  • All sources look good
  • Everything seems cited, except the cast - don't necessarily expect this in the cast list, but most of them aren't mentioned elsewhere (cited) in the article to verify
  • Needs attention
 Done
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  • Check looks good.
  • One free image
  • Fair use film poster in infobox
  • Pass

Overall

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  • CAPTAIN MEDUSA Thanks for responding so quickly! I still think there's some 'X said Y' in the earlier parts of the review section, and that in other parts of the article writing around quotations is weaker than the rest of the prose. Even though quotes can easily be embedded like rearranging other text, grammar seems to fall flat and weasel words appear around the quotes. I guess I can ask for you to try incorporating quotations just as if you're writing plain prose - and if it seems like it will work easier paraphrased without the quote, you may be able to remove it. I may tweak an instance or two to give an idea, in case this sounds odd. Kingsif (talk) 16:53, 21 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]
    Kingsif, done, Thanks. ~~ CAPTAIN MEDUSAtalk 12:49, 22 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]
  • Thank you for taking on the recommendations! I still think the review part needs work. Though sometimes "X said Y" can be a suitable format, the way and order that the reviews are listed in this article makes it jarring; quotations that say quite different things are just put next to each other and it doesn't read very fluidly. I'm sorry to keep pushing this when you've already done a lot of work, but it's jarring for the reader. Kingsif (talk) 13:56, 22 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]
    Kingsif, can you check the section. I have removed quotations. ~~ CAPTAIN MEDUSAtalk 13:23, 24 December 2019 (UTC)[reply]
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