Talk:Omar Lorméndez Pitalúa/GA1
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA Review
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Reviewer: Vami IV (talk · contribs) 22:59, 8 April 2020 (UTC)
Opening statement
[edit]In reviews I conduct, I may make small copyedits. These will only be limited to spelling and punctuation (removal of double spaces and such). I will only make substantive edits that change the flow and structure of the prose if I previously suggested and it is necessary. For replying to Reviewer comment, please use 
Done, 
Fixed, 
Added, 
Not done, 
Doing..., or 
Removed, followed by any comment you'd like to make. I will be crossing out my comments as they are redressed, and only mine. A detailed, section-by-section review will follow. —♠Vami_IV†♠ 22:59, 8 April 2020 (UTC)
- Great review as always, Vami_IV. I believe I've addressed all the points below. Thank you again! MX (✉ • ✎) 23:40, 15 April 2020 (UTC)
- @Vami IV:, I've addressed the Kidnapping section and removed the unused ref. Cheers, MX (✉ • ✎) 03:47, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
Prose
[edit]If there are relevant images that can be added to break up the wall of text, please do so.
Done I've added two images. One is under public domain (just like the one already used) and another one is a non-free image. These are the only known pictures of Omar Lorméndez Pitalúa as far as I've been able to find.
to gain control of the turf
Change to "territory".
Fixed
He deserted [...] He then joined [...] He became [...] He was hired
Four sentences in a row that start with "He [...]".
- Fixed
Lorméndez Pitalúa is often cited as one of the founding members of Los Zetas who was reportedly part of the Grupo de los 14 (English: Group of 14),[10] a named used to describe the first fourteen Zetas members.[11]
Condense.
- Fixed
a named used
Name.
- Fixed
In Los Zetas, Lorméndez Pitalúa used the code names [...]
Move this up to become the last sentence of the first paragraph in "Early life and background".
- Done I broke the first paragraph up to better flow but I've added it to the end of paragraph 2, which I think reads better.
"Kidnapping and marriage" is vague and misleading title. I suggest I "Kidnapping of and marriage to Angélica Lagunas Jaramillo". A lot of this section is also not about Lorméndez Pitalúa, and the content that doesn't pertain to Lorméndez Pitalúa in some way should be reduced.
- Fixed I did a heavy trim to the section, please see here. I also incorporated the subject in more mentions whenever acceptable.
- This can still be condensed; axe
Lagunas Jaramillo cried for help saying she was being robbed, but the Zetas' gunmen told her they were taking the money because she had failed to pay the cartel's tax.
Removed I also edited the section's name to "Kidnapping of Angelica Lagunas Jaramillo". Marriage is only mentioned in one sentence so most of the section is about the kidnapping.
- This can still be condensed; axe
The Gulf Cartel required independent smugglers to pay a tax for smuggling drugs and other illegal merchandise in their corridor.
Redundant.
- Removed
Move Footnote A to where it's relevant in "Early life and background".
- Fixed
Who's Lazcano Lazcano?
- Fixed
Lorméndez Pitalúa paid officials in U.S. dollars—payments of US$50,000 and more.
Condense.
- Fixed
There is a broken reference, "arturoabatido", somewhere in the source code.
- Removed
GA progress
[edit]Good Article review progress box
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