Talk:Oliver Kuhn/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Wizardman (talk · contribs) 01:54, 19 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this article shortly. Wizardman 01:54, 19 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I'll give this a full review tomorrow, sorry I've been slow. First off though, can there are a few bare URLs that are just titles; add publishers and authors/dates if applicable. Wizardman 03:06, 28 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Here are the issues I found:

As noted above, added publishers and authors/dates to sources that don't have them. There's a couple sources Accessdates for web sources would be nice also, but I won't require that.

Refs 27 and 42 somehow don't have titles.
"Kuhn was also the shortstop on baseball teams which won a 1921 SIAA title." on the baseball team which won

Tried to fix

"Doc's childhood home is now called Frassati House, the building on Vanderbilt's campus for the 'University Catholic'." add citation

Tried to fix

"started the business of Kuhn, Cooper, & Geary. It earned a reputation as the premiere footwear store in downtown Nashville." combining these two sentences into one would read better, imo.

Tried to fix

"His registration for the First World War says he works as a "civil engineer" in Jacksonville, Tennessee for DuPont." make it past tense.

Tried to fix

"Kuhn completed a pass to the large end Tot McCullough," I'd just say end, plus link the position.

Tried to fix

make sure ndashes are being used for scores rather than -.

Tried to fix

"The Nashville papers described it thus," should be a colon rather than a comma.

Tried to fix

"The lone pass completed by Vanderbilt was said to be from Bomar to Kuhn by a diagram of the contest." Even as a football guy I'm not entirely sure what this is saying; reword.

Tried to fix. They were neat things before the days of television. The source linked should show what one looks like. They are a way to draw a play-by-play account so to speak. Cake (talk) 15:43, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Nearly the whole baseball section being two quotes is iffy to me. Copyright-wise it's fine

Will try to expand (assuming that's what you mean).

"He was then working for the Cheek-Neal Coffee Company in Chicago.[42]" After graduation, he worked for the

Tried to fix

" Kuhn resides there another 40 years, serving as an investment broker for many of those." resided

Tried to fix

I'm not big on the relatives section; either find a way to merge that into the article better or remove it; in either case that will need a citation.

Tried to fix Will come back to this

My main issue is the tone of the article. In short, it feels like you're trying too hard to spice it up, making it less encyclopedic than it could be. Try finding a tone copyeditor to take a look at the article.

I could seek one if that is what it needs, though cannot say I've done it before. Would you maybe point to a few examples to illustrate a problem I could correct?

On the surface, it looks like a nice article. However, as I got further along it felt less like reading an encyclopedic account of Kuhn and more like a journalism piece. That is something that I don't think could be realistically addressed in a short time, especially since I think it needs an extra set of eyes. I'll put it on hold for now, but honestly I'd rather closed this as a fail and have you work with someone to get it up to snuff at your own pace. Wizardman 00:38, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

That is unfortunate if so but I should have at least the sources to correct any error of an informative sort. Thank you very much for reviewing this. I will try to scan it enough that I may temper whatever seems journalistic about it. Cake (talk) 15:43, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

The fixes I'll look over later; for the copyedit, you'd want to go to WP:GOCE. The backlog is a bit high there though, so my recommendation is if you've worked with anyone in the past in a similar capacity, try asking them first. Wizardman 17:29, 31 January 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I'll re-look over it this weekend, to be honest I forgot to do it before. On a skim though, I'm not sure why the early life section has all those subsections now, it just feels awkward and I think it was fine how it was earlier. Wizardman 05:34, 7 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Even with the fixes I feel that it needs copyedit before I would consider passing it, and I see some referenece issues remaining. Wizardman 15:26, 8 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Here's what i'm going to do. I'm closing this as not listed for the time being, but I did place a request at GOCE to get this cleaned. Once that's addressed, you can let me know rather than having to go through the queue and wait several months for a second time. Wizardman 00:40, 13 February 2015 (UTC)[reply]