Talk:Olive Whitlock Klump

A fact from Olive Whitlock Klump appeared on Wikipedia's Main Page in the Did you know column on 12 January 2021 (check views). The text of the entry was as follows:

Did you know... that Olive Whitlock Klump was the first industrial nurse to work for the U.S. government?

A record of the entry may be seen at Wikipedia:Recent additions/2021/January. The nomination discussion and review may be seen at Template:Did you know nominations/Olive Whitlock Klump.

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Did you know nomination

The following is an archived discussion of the DYK nomination of the article below. Please do not modify this page. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as this nomination's talk page, the article's talk page or Wikipedia talk:Did you know), unless there is consensus to re-open the discussion at this page. No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: promoted by SL93 (talk) 22:48, 4 January 2021 (UTC)[reply]

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~~... that Olive Whitlock's college job promoted her from waitress to ship's physician-assistant, and she went on to direct public health nursing for Los Angeles County for over two decades?~~ Source: [1] [2]

Reviewed: Edinburgh City Hospital

Moved to mainspace by John P. Sadowski (NIOSH) (talk) and Jaireeodell (talk). Nominated by John P. Sadowski (NIOSH) (talk) at 02:25, 20 December 2020 (UTC).[reply]

Reviewing
Article is new enough (moved to mainspace 20 Dec), well written, neutral and well supported by inline citations.
Long enough.
Hook is short enough, correctly formatted and supported by inline citation. I did wonder if it is strictly correct to say that the 'job promoted her' and it would be more accurate to say 'was promoted in her summer job' but the meaning is clear so I think it OK as it stands.
No copyvio issue on Earwig.
QPQ done.
Papamac (talk) 17:33, 28 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Hi, I came by to promote this, but I find the hook wording confusing. It sounds like she was promoted from waitressing in a restaurant to working on a ship. Tacking on her later career to the end of the hook doesn't make it hooky at all. Can you suggest a more succinct hook angle? Thanks, Yoninah (talk) 01:33, 29 December 2020 (UTC)[reply]

@Yoninah: I like the story about her being promoted, but I also don't want to focus solely on what she did on college given her accomplishments as an adult. Here are a few possibilities. John P. Sadowski (NIOSH) (talk) 00:15, 1 January 2021 (UTC)[reply]

ALT 0a: ~~... that Olive Whitlock's college job on a ship promoted her from waitress to physician-assistant, and she went on to direct public health nursing for Los Angeles County for over two decades?~~

ALT 1: ... that Olive Whitlock Klump was the first industrial nurse to work for the ~~United States federal~~ U.S. government?

Thank you for the ALTs. ALT0a has the same problem as ALT0: too many facts clumped together, and it's more of a synopsis of her life so there's no reason to click on the article. While I dislike "first woman" hooks, there is very little to say about her based on the resume-like article, so I guess ALT1 is the better option. Offline hook ref AGF and cited inline. ALT1 good to go. Yoninah (talk) 17:28, 2 January 2021 (UTC)[reply]