Talk:Norodom Sihanouk/GA1
GA Review
[edit]| GA toolbox |
|---|
| Reviewing |
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch
Reviewer: Calvin999 (talk · contribs) 20:38, 20 August 2015 (UTC)
Hi. I'm Calvin999 and I am reviewing this nomination. — Calvin999 20:38, 20 August 2015 (UTC)
- Lead
- was the King of Cambodia, who reigned from 1941 to 1955 and again from 1993 to 2004. → was the King of Cambodia from 1941 to 1955 and again from 1993 to 2004.
- Sihanouk became the King of Cambodia in 1941 → Sihanouk ascended to the throne in 1941 (repletion of the King of Cambodia)
- favour of his father, Norodom Suramarit → Link Norodom Suramarit
- Comma after Norodom Suramarit
- into exile in China and North Korea and went on to form a government in exile, → I know it's a bit pedantic, but 'exile' is repetitious
- For the first "exile", any alternative word that you can think of replacing or suggest a formula to rephrase the sentence in its entity? If the second "exile" word is removed, then the whole meaning of the text will be severely compromised. (You way want to read Government in exile). I agree repetitions can sometimes be reduced, but in some cases like this it is probably necessary Mr Tan (talk) 17:24, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
- 'fleeing' perhaps? 'escaped'? — Calvin999 17:27, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
- fled to China and North Korea and... — Calvin999 17:38, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
- 'fleeing' perhaps? 'escaped'? — Calvin999 17:27, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
- For the first "exile", any alternative word that you can think of replacing or suggest a formula to rephrase the sentence in its entity? If the second "exile" word is removed, then the whole meaning of the text will be severely compromised. (You way want to read Government in exile). I agree repetitions can sometimes be reduced, but in some cases like this it is probably necessary Mr Tan (talk) 17:24, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
- hostilities between the PRK → What is the PRK? Unabbreviate and link.
- who succeeded him as King. → No needed to capitalise king as it's not followed by a name.
- During his lifetime, Sihanouk was also known for producing many films and musical works. → Could you add another sentence about this? It's reads like a last minute brief add on.
- Early life and first reign
- Sihanouk was the only child born of the union between → Sihanouk was the only child of
- I have a bit of reservations here with removing the "union" word - his father, Suramarit has children with other wives besides Kossamak. To my knowledge Kossamak had only one child, that is Sihanouk, and he is indeed Kossamak's only child. But he is definitely not the only child of Suramarit....there is something called "half-siblings". Anyway I have addressed most of the comments above, still considering a couple of them. Mr Tan (talk) 03:57, 27 August 2015 (UTC)
- Ah okay. — Calvin999 11:49, 27 August 2015 (UTC)
- I have a bit of reservations here with removing the "union" word - his father, Suramarit has children with other wives besides Kossamak. To my knowledge Kossamak had only one child, that is Sihanouk, and he is indeed Kossamak's only child. But he is definitely not the only child of Suramarit....there is something called "half-siblings". Anyway I have addressed most of the comments above, still considering a couple of them. Mr Tan (talk) 03:57, 27 August 2015 (UTC)
- Sisowath Monivong died on → Comma after Monivong
- and also assumed → I don't think you need 'also'
- were also given → or here.
- I know it's his name, but so far in the lead and this section, I've found the use of 'Sihanouk' to be very repetitive.
- and campaign propaganda → and a propaganda campaign
More to follow...
- I have addressed all comments, except the suggestion for last sentence in the lead. I agree in-principle that another sentence should be introduced. But would this need to be urgently addressed? I am thinking of expanding the Filmography section a little--I have some material, but would need some time to think of what appropriate material to add in that maybe relevant and add-value to the current content of the prose. (As per Wikipedia:Verifiability#Verifiability_does_not_guarantee_inclusion)
- Anyway, I feel that one sentence should tentatively be fine as the size of the Artistic Works section is small in comparison to the body, as per Wikipedia:Manual_of_Style/Lead_section#Introductory_text. Sihanouk's artistic involvement in the arts is at most, a "sidekick", while his regnal and political careers are areas that carried much greater impact and significance. I will take this into consideration as further edits go along, but I hope this point does not need to be urgently addressed as yet. Mr Tan (talk) 15:35, 30 August 2015 (UTC)
- Premiership (1955–1960)
- In the first few years after → "First few" is a bit awkward. I'd just have "In the years after"
- language as the sole official language → Remove the first 'language'
- alternately resigned → I don't think 'alternately' is needed nor makes sense
- in Stung Treng Province respectively. → I don't think 'respectively' is needed here
- Ngo Dinh Diem also → Comma before also
- Health
- Sihanouk was given a clean bill of health → I think this is too informal
To be honest, the articles is really well written. I couldn't find anything else to fault really. — Calvin999 16:40, 13 September 2015 (UTC)
- All fixed except for the 3rd point. If you look at the infobox on his "Prime Minister"-ship, he served serveral short stints as Prime Minister--taking up the post and resigning several times. I feel that if the "alternately" word is removed, it result in some readers not able to sufficiently capture the idea in the prose sufficiently. I feel it is sometimes necessary to use descriptives or action verbs to bring across messages in certain instances. Mr Tan (talk) 05:54, 14 September 2015 (UTC)
- Okay yeah I see what you're saying. Passing. — Calvin999 07:56, 14 September 2015 (UTC)
- All fixed except for the 3rd point. If you look at the infobox on his "Prime Minister"-ship, he served serveral short stints as Prime Minister--taking up the post and resigning several times. I feel that if the "alternately" word is removed, it result in some readers not able to sufficiently capture the idea in the prose sufficiently. I feel it is sometimes necessary to use descriptives or action verbs to bring across messages in certain instances. Mr Tan (talk) 05:54, 14 September 2015 (UTC)