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Reviewer: Midnightblueowl (talk · contribs) 18:47, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]


I'll field this one. Midnightblueowl (talk) 18:47, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

A lot of great work has clearly gone into this article. I'm mostly concerned with minor prose issues, of which there are a fair few. Feel free to argue with me on any of them if you disagree! Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:06, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

On the lede

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  • I like shorter, punchier opening paragraphs, but I think that having an opening paragraph consisting only of a single sentence might be a little too brief. Maybe add a second sentence describing the musical genre(s) that Makeba operated in, etc. Midnightblueowl (talk) 18:50, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I've given this a shot
  • We mention the (US) civil rights activism in the opening sentence, but not the anti-apartheid activities that she was involved in. Perhaps we could go for a separate sentence "An activist involved in the African-American civil rights and anti-apartheid movements, she reflected these sentiments in her work". How would that work? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:21, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Actually that's just an incorrect link on my part. When the sources say "civil rights activist" they refer to the global movement, so I've changed the link to Civil rights movements.
  • Done
  • That's a good point, and one I usually pay attention to. I do wish, though, that other folks would apply this to white historical figures as well...
  • Very true; but I don't think that we will see a shift in that direction any time soon. Although it is a pervasive issue when covering white figures it is probably true of coverage of all individuals who are from the dominant majority ethnicity of their nation-state (for instance, Han Chinese individuals from China itself are rarely referred to as such; there is the assumption that because they are Chinese then they will be Han). Obviously in most of Southern Africa there are no dominant majorities, but in most Western (and indeed many Asian) countries, there are, which affects the coverage of individuals from those areas. Midnightblueowl (talk) 13:22, 29 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I tried it, but when I read it I didn't like it. I feel like just "cancer" would be fine if we were talking about her whole life, but we're talking of a specific year here, and it just seems a little odd to say "survived cancer in 1950".
  • You're right. fixed.
  • done
  • I would agree. This was a later addition, it's not my prose.
  • I tend to put commas where I can, but okay :)
  • "She continued to perform, mostly in African countries, including at several celebrations of independence, and began to write and perform more explicitly political music critical of the apartheid regime, such as Soweto Blues, written in 1977 about the Soweto Uprising by her former husband Hugh Masekela." This is pretty lengthy. How about trimming it in two. Maybe "She continued to perform, mostly in African countries, including at several celebrations of independence. She also began to write and perform more explicitly political music critical of the apartheid regime, such as Soweto Blues, written in 1977 about the Soweto Uprising by her former husband Hugh Masekela." Midnightblueowl (talk) 18:57, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done
  • yes. done.
  • I'd disagree here. The fact is she is very well known for political music, particularly related to apartheid. But in most cases it's difficult to give that context to her songs in the lede; this is the one example that is prominent enough by itself to do that, so I thought it worthwhile.
  • I'm not convinced by the structure of that fourth paragraph. Half of it deals with her final years and half with her legacy. I would take the stuff on her life and merge it into the third paragraph, trimming any prose as necessary. Then I would leave the fourth and final paragraph purely to a discussion of her legacy. That way the paragraph structure is a little neater and cleaner. Midnightblueowl (talk) 18:58, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Again, not certain I agree; the collapse of apartheid, and her return to south africa, are very clear markers in her life.

Childhood and family

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  • "was born in Johannesburg on 4 March 1932, in the township of Prospect" - I think that we could rearrange this so that it runs more smoothly. How about "was born in the Johannesburg township of Prospect on 4 March 1932"? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:02, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Rephrased
  • "Her mother Christina Makeba was a Swazi traditional South African healer" - "Her Swazi mother, Christina Makeba, was a traditional South African healer". Adding those commas and moving "Swazi" improves the sentence structure quite a bit, IMO. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:06, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I've changed this to "Swazi traditional healer", piping the link, because the source gave the impression that the "traditional" was associated with "Swazi" rather than "South Africa"
  • We bring in Stokely Carmichael at a very early juncture here and I worry a little about the reader being thrown around chronologically. Perhaps this section would be better were we to mention "Makeba later said..." without specifying that Carmichael was the source of that information? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:06, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Again, not my prose :) Done
  • Since it was mine, I'll just say here that I wasn't too happy with it either (it was sort of a rushed job) ... I mentioned Carmichael there out of an abundance of caution about using primary sources. I approve of the current arrangement. Graham87 07:00, 29 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • "spent her first six months of life in jail" - was she in jail or in prison? The two words are often used synonymously although they also carry different associations in some countries. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:10, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I think the sources too use the terms interchangeably in this case
  • done
  • done
  • Afraid not. I've noticed that specific protestant denominations seem to receive less attention outside the west. I'll look, though
  • done
  • done

Early career

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  • "Makeba began her professional musical career with the Cuban Brothers," Given that we lack an article on the Cuban Brothers, I would be explicit that they were a band (and if possible state the genre that they worked in). Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:34, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • added, and I've said "South Africa band" because there seems to have been a Scottish band of the same name.
  • done
  • replaced one with "pieces"
  • done
  • Good point. I've made it "Rhodesian-born" as there's some doubt over her citizenship
  • done
  • done, and I managed to find the link this time.
  • done
  • done
  • done
  • done
  • Hah yes.
  • "managed to organise" - "organised"?
  • done
  • done: I prefer the former, but I can switch if you like
  • Changed "gave" to "brought" but I prefer "recognition", which conveys the sense of the source (single moment of recognition, rather than longlasting reputation, at least at that time) better in my view.
  • done
  • done
  • done

Exile

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  • I would rearrange the quotebox and image somewhat. For instance I would move the image to the left and ensure that the quotebox is positioned after the "United States" sub-section rather than just after the "Exile" section. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:13, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • It seems to me that the quote makes more sense before the picture. So I've moved the picture.
  • "outside South Africa, she learned that her mother had died. When she tried to return to South Africa for the funeral, she found that her South African passport" - "South Africa... South Africa... South African". Bit repetitive. Maybe replace the middle example with "home" or something. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:19, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • replaced one
  • reworded.
  • Shuffled a little: is this better?
  • "the apartheid government" - apartheid was more of a policy rather than an accurate description of the government itself. Maybe "white-minority government" or "National Party government" or something like that. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:19, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Gone with "apartheid and the white minority government"
  • switched.
  • split.
  • done
  • split
  • done: in this case it's the former.
  • Struck harry :)
  • "asking for economic sanctions against Pretoria" - this could be interpreted as meaning that she was calling for sanctions against a particular city, rather than as against the SA government. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:27, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I suppose. Changed.
  • done
  • Shifted the link
  • Well, I imagine it means with a musical backing that was culturally appropriate: however, that particular prose is not mine, and the source is impossible to find: I tried quite hard.
  • What I could do is to remove that frament, and replace it with something like "her use of Sotho, Xhosa, and Swahili lyrics led to her being perceived as a representation of an "authentic" Africa by American audiences." which is what Sizemore Barber, used for the rest of the sentence, says. Vanamonde (talk) 06:59, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done.

Guinea

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  • done
  • "Her marriage to Trinidad-born civil rights activist and Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee leader Stokely Carmichael". Carmichael has already been introduced, so scrap all this additional detail here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:34, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • We haven't mentioned those details before, though...
  • I'm not really sure that they are worth mentioning. I mean, we have a whole article dedicated to Stokely Carmichael if readers want to learn more. Alternately, this additional information could be incorporated into the prose at the first mention of Mr Carmichael. Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:17, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done
  • done
  • done
  • done
  • It's a funny acronym: I think it comes from FESTival of Arts and Culture, but nobody quite explains it like that, and the full name is "Second World Black and African Festival of Arts and Culture" which is unwieldy. I've linked the term, which I should have done before.
  • done
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  • Tom Cheyney, in the musical magazine "Musician". He was reviewing Welela in 1990, but says this about this song. I've added some of this: the specific reviewers name seemed less important than the publication.
  • "In 1978 Makeba divorced Carmichael and married Bageot Bah, an airline executive, in 1980" - perhaps "In 1978, Makeba divorced Carmichael and in 1980 she then married Bageot Bah, an airline executive", or something of that nature. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:36, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Tweaked.

Brussels

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  • done
  • " documented on music video" - what is meant by "music video" here; perhaps we could get a link? 19:49, 1 June 2017 (UTC)
  • Not my prose, not sure what it means, and I doubt it adds anything, as video recording is quite routine. Removed.
  • There is an inconsistent italicisation of "Graceland". When referencing the album itself, italics are required. When mentioning the tour, maybe not. Currently we have Graceland Tour but I would suggest "Graceland tour" as the appropriate formatting. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:49, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done
  • "who was a "sangoma" ("a healer")." - the term sangoma has already been introduced earlier in the article, when it was italicised. Maybe just "who was a sangoma". No need for the repetition of "a healer". Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:49, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done
  • Afraid not. It's an article that needs writing. We have "academic boycott" and "foreign relations of South Africa" but the latter doesn't even have a section.
  • done
  • Hmm, my apologies, that was a piece of information from a dodgy website which I removed: should have removed the text too.
  • done
  • done

Return to South Africa

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  • done
  • done
  • "combined jazz, R&B, pop, and African music, and was a hit in Africa" - link any genres not previously appearing in the article, and maybe change "African music" to something more specific; "traditional African music", "several African genres" etc? Also, "hit in Africa" might work better as "hit across Africa"? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:56, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • done
  • done
  • done
  • NYT review: named the newspaper.

Musical styles and themes

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  • It's the citation at the end of the next sentence.
  • Done
  • Is this necessary? They won't be known outside their field, and their names are in the shortened footnote.
  • Source says South African women, gone with that.

Death and legacy

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  • Moved.
  • done
  • done
  • "the cruelty of apartheid" - I'm not seriously claiming that apartheid wasn't cruel, but I think that this sort of language may carry unnecessary baggage that Wikipedia should avoid. 20:13, 1 June 2017 (UTC)
  • Perhaps you're right. Here's the quote: "When they exiled Makeba, white South African authorities created a more effective symbol of apartheid’s cruelty than she could have done herself." From Feldstein (2013). What would you suggest? Vanamonde (talk) 08:04, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Awards and recognition

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  • I would definitely avoid having a list of bullet points, which may contravene WP:Trivia. Perhaps consider merging the information here into a couple of paragraphs that could be added to the legacy section (perhaps renamed "Reception and legacy"?) Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:13, 1 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • Honestly, MBO, I disagree. This is an acceptable use of an embedded list (WP:EMBED). The awards listed here are all backed by secondary sources: they are not taken straight from websites of those awards. They are also quite disparate. A prose section will not read well in my view. Vanamonde (talk) 08:00, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Other prose issues

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  • Our article on the Western world capitalizes, so I have gone with that.
  • Per a convention suggested to me by Simon Burchell, I've gone with "United States" at the first mention in each section, and US thereafter.

Images

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  • It would be nice to get some images for the early sections, if possible. I appreciate that there may not be free images of Makeba herself, but perhaps we could find some images of some of the places where she grew up or associated with? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:45, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • For instance, this picture of Belafonte (File:Harry Belafonte singing 1954.jpg) or this of Mandela (File:Young Mandela.jpg). Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:45, 28 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]
  • I've added one picture of her in Israel. I'm wondering if we could use a fair-use image of her album covers, but I'm not sure if the criteria cover it; what do you think? If that doesn't work, I think I'll add a Belafonte image. Also trying to find something for the last two sections. Any ideas?
  • I'm wondering if a collage of the other musicians credited with popularizing world music along with Makeba would be useful here, but I'm also ignorant of how to manufacture collages. I will give it a shot. Vanamonde (talk) 08:08, 29 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Hi @Vanamonde93:; if you have a chance to look into the "cruelty" quote, then that would be great and I think that I would move along and pass this as a GA. Midnightblueowl (talk) 12:56, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

All in all, this has been some really good work, @Vanamonde93:. Congratulations on getting the article up to this standard. I am content that it meets all of the GA-criteria, being a well balanced and properly sourced overview of the subject matter. I am happy to pass this as a Good Article! Midnightblueowl (talk) 14:37, 2 June 2017 (UTC)[reply]

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