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He married his niece!

[edit]

"He was survived by his wife Claudia Cockburn (daughter of journalist Claud Cockburn and his first wife Hope Hale Davis), and their daughters Laura and Stephanie."

Talk about "eats, shoots and runs" -- this is a classic example of a misplaced parenthesis. It should read

"He was survived by his wife Claudia Cockburn (daughter of journalist Claud Cockburn) and his first wife Hope Hale Davis, and their daughters Laura and Stephanie.

Unless, of course, Claudia Cockburn was his only wife, and not his second. Somebody needs to fix this. It's confusing. Maybe it's supposed to say...

"He was survived by his wife Claudia Cockburn (daughter of journalist Claud Cockburn and Hope Hale Davis), and their daughters Laura and Stephanie.

WilliamSommerwerck (talk) 17:16, 13 February 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. It was the latter. HairyWombat 20:42, 6 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

A few prose comments

[edit]

The article has developed nicely. A few prose issues for consideration:

  • "they themselves": do we need the second word?
  • In the "Go To It" quote box, I suggest you italicise the last line to separate it from the text
  • Flanders entered Christ Church in October 1940, and began his professional acting career in October 1941. Did he abandon Christ Church voluntarily, or was he kicked out? This needs clarifying, as it might explain the college's reluctance to readmit him after the war.
  • "In 1942 Flanders applied to join..." - Better, he "joined"
  • In the "Postar" section you should briefly describe how and when F and S met up again. There has been no mention of the latter since the school revue. Or perhaps just mention that they had remained in touch?
  • People unfamiliar with the D'Oyly Carte philosophy of theatrical stasis prior to the 1960s won't really understand what Swann is talking about. I'm not sure that the quote-within-a-quote is very helpful – who is talking to whom?
  • Not everyone will know what a "Savoyard" is? The various Savoyard links don't help; possibly create a stub to link to? And the singers don't have to be actually disgruntled.
  • "They followed this up..." Clarify "they" = Flanders and Hopkins
  • It's an old chestnut, but I don't think, technically, you "receive" the OBE. I think you are appointed an Officer of the Order. I remember this fromother articles.
  • Possibly omit the "eloquent" adjective in the interests of encyclopaedic neutrality (yawn)?

That's all. I have made a few finicky comma adjustments - check the article history. Brianboulton (talk) 13:32, 7 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Excellent! Many thanks. I shall enjoy working through these. Tim riley (talk) 13:45, 7 May 2013 (UTC)[reply]
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