Talk:McKenzie Berryhill/GA1
GA Review
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Reviewer: Sportsfan77777 (talk · contribs) 07:42, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
I'll review this one. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 07:42, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
Lead
[edit]- The lead could be improved. Right now, the first paragraph lists everything in order of importance while the second paragraph lists basically the same things in order of time. Some overlap is okay, but it seems like there is too much overlap.
Done, I changed the lede following the format recommended to me at a previous GA, Kirk Urso. The first paragraph now includes everything through her college career, the second paragraph is everything at the club level, and the third is for futsal.
- represented the United States at the 2017 AMF Futsal Women's World Cup. <<<=== I would rather see this get its own separate sentence to distinguish it from anything directly soccer-related (and link futsal).
- Done, This is now its own paragraph, including a link. I could also change the first sentence to read "an American retired soccer and futsal player" (with a link) if you think it belongs in the opening sentence.
- The only accomplishment mentioned in the lead is the futsal one. Surely, there is some soccer accomplishment(s) you could include beyond the number of years she played for each team. For instance, she had several honors in college, and finished second in the Norwegian league.
- Done, Added some accomplishments.
- From the way it is currently written, it's not clear she never made an appearance for Orlando.
- Done, Rewrote to explicitly state this.
Early life
[edit]- Okay.
College
[edit]- heading home <<<=== "home" is too informal ("heading a shot" maybe?)
- Done, Rewrote the sentence to read "She tallied her first career goal in mid-October, scoring off a corner kick in a 1–1 draw..."
Summer
[edit]- after her junior year at Greenway High <<<=== It seems a bit weird to name her high school here. It makes it sound like she was at a different high school for her sophomore year.
- Done, Removed that clause and moved the refs to the end of the sentence.
Portland
[edit]- Specify 21st overall also.
Partly done, A quick check back at other drafted players (including my previous GAs) suggests that the round usually isn't included, just the pick. I removed the round and just kept the pick, but I could add back in the round if you think it's needed.
Orlando
[edit]- Okay.
Klepp
[edit]- expiry <<<==== expiration? (maybe it's fine, but I've never heard that term.)
- Done, Merriam-Webster says they have the same definition but "expiration" is more common, changed.
Washington
[edit]- Okay.
Retirement
[edit]- Okay.
International
[edit]- Link futsal, and clarify that it is slightly different from soccer. Maybe specify indoor and five-a-side?
- Done, Added the sentence "Outside of her soccer career, Berryhill also played futsal, an indoor variant of the sport" to the beginning of the section.
- Maybe tie in that she never played for the under-23 team that was mentioned earlier in the article?
Not done, Related to the issues with the first point here, I changed the name of this section to "Futsal career" to better reflect the contents. If you think I should include a note that she never played for the U23s, I personally think that fits better in the sentence where the team is mentioned, but that's just me.
Personal
[edit]- professional golfer <<<=== I believe "golf pro" or "golf professional" is used when describing someone who is not primarily a professional player.
- Done, Changed the hyperlink to "golf professional".
Overall
[edit]- Aside from the lead, looks pretty good!
On hold. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 19:04, 2 September 2021 (UTC)
- Thanks for the review and thanks for the patience, I just went back to college and it's been interesting trying to find time in my schedule to get this done. I've still tinkering with the lede, but I've addressed every other point and left comments about a few. I should be able to finish up the lede once I get back from class in a few hours. Keskkonnakaitse (talk) 17:05, 9 September 2021 (UTC)
- @Sportsfan77777: It took way too long, but I've finally gotten back around and finished addressing all the points listed here. There's still the one thing in the (formerly international career) futsal career that might need some more attention, but I think otherwise everything's been covered. Thanks again for the review and the patience! Keskkonnakaitse (talk) 20:26, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
- I like this version better, passing! Also, hope college is going well! Sportsfan77777 (talk) 18:18, 18 September 2021 (UTC)
- @Sportsfan77777: It took way too long, but I've finally gotten back around and finished addressing all the points listed here. There's still the one thing in the (formerly international career) futsal career that might need some more attention, but I think otherwise everything's been covered. Thanks again for the review and the patience! Keskkonnakaitse (talk) 20:26, 17 September 2021 (UTC)