Talk:Marjorie Cameron/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Sainsf (talk · contribs) 13:11, 30 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I seem to have developed an interest in your beautiful articles :) Sainsf (talk · contribs) 13:11, 30 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

with the intent of producing mixed-race "moon children" Could this be clearer?
I've added "who would be devoted to the god Horus" here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:19, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Better. Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:25, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Rarely remaining in one place for long "Constantly on the move" would read better.

I worry about this being a little too colloquial; non-native speakers of English might find the terms "constantly on the move" to be a little confusing because a literal interpretation of it is very different to what the term is actually trying to convey. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

till her death in 1995 You can add in the reason behind her death here.

I've changed this to "death from cancer". Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

authored by Spencer Kansa Anything more on Kansa?

I can't find any other way of describing him in the lede. I think that this will have to remain as it is. Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

a result of which she was court martialed "as" a result

Changed! Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Jack Parsons

resulting in the break-up of their friendship How about simply "end of their friendship"?

I've gone with "termination of their friendship"; does this work for you? Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:14, 2 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Sure. Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:25, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

The Children

"Sex magic" is a duplink

Removed! Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I think Christmas Eve is too common to be linked.

I'm not sure that I total agree on this one. Those living in Christian-dominated countries, or who are otherwise familiar with Christian and Christian-derived holidays will be familiar with it, but what about readers living in areas of the world where Christianity has had little impact? If it's okay, I'd lik to leave that link in. Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Later life

"Ordo Templi Orientis" is a duplink.

Removed! Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I think "cremated" is too common to be linked.

Personally I'd rather leave that one in, again because it is not a common practice in some parts of the world and thus some readers may not be familiar with it. Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Personality

According to the historian of Thelema Martin P. Starr I don't think you mean Starr is the only Thelema historian, as this line may seem to imply.

I've changed this to "to historian of Thelema". Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:11, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Artistic style

Cameron's occult beliefs closely impacted on her artworks "on" is redundant

Removed! Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Kansa was of the opinion that Cameron You have not yet introduced Kansa in the main article. a biography of Cameron authored by the Briton Spencer Kansa in the next para looks like a good intro, but take care not to have repetition in the following section after this.

I've introduced Kansa as a biographer at the first mention. He is then introduced as a Briton later on; does this work? Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

General

Say either "U.S." or "United States" throughout the article.

Oops, looks like I've missed this one. I've gone through and made some alterations with regard to this point. At the first mention of the country in both the lede and the main body of the article I use "United States"; thenceforth I always use the abbreviation "U.S." Midnightblueowl (talk) 12:01, 4 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

That should be it. Cheers, Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:25, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks Sainsf; incidentally, happy WikiBirthday! Midnightblueowl (talk) 11:10, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Great, just one issue left. And welcome, it's great to see someone who remembered this day! Sainsf (talk · contribs) 11:21, 3 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Sainsf: Sorry I missed that last point! It should all be done now. 12:01, 4 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Great! Happy to promote this. Cheers, Sainsf (talk · contribs) 12:04, 4 June 2016 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.