Talk:Mana Ashida/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Figureskatingfan (talk · contribs) 20:20, 12 March 2013 (UTC) Hi, I'm reviewing this article. It's my practice to fill out a GA template and then make additional comments and feedback. I also tend to copy-edit as I go. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 20:20, 12 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

The biggest weakness with this article is the prose.

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
Not only is much of the prose in this article unencyclopedic, it has a good many weasel words. (See below for more feedback.) I suggest that you request someone to copy-edit and/or peer review before you bring the next article to GAC. This article also has too many redlinks. I suggest that you go through and remove most of them, unless you're certain that they'll soon be the subject of an article. I also suggest that you read this, [1] which explains the purpose of redlinks--to encourage the creation of new articles. Since you're familiar with Japanese entertainment, I'll let you decide which are notable. If they're notable and should have an article, keep them; if not, remove them.

Done. I kept the links which contained a substantial article over at the Japanese Wikipedia.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
All the sources are in Japanese, so I'm unable to assess them. I'll assume good faith and trust that they're valid and that they support the statements made. This is another reason you should copy-edit and PR articles like this. Also, it's customary, in cite templates, to use the yyyy-mm-dd format. Please change this in all your refs.
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
This is a relatively short article, but surprisingly long for a subject who's so young. I'm AGF again that you've exhausted all possible sources about Mana.
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
Borders on overly positive about the subject, but I recognize that she's a little girl and that most of the sources about her will be positive. Improving the prose will do away with much of the weasel words and phrases that are hard to avoid.
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
Very drama surrounding this article. This surprises me a little; I edit a lot of articles about child entertainment, and they need to be protected from all the vandalism and sillyness. Perhaps it helps that she's Japanese and not well-known in the West. Boy, are you lucky. ;)
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
No images. Are they no free images of Mana available? How about screen shots of her in any of her movies or TV shows? Any YouTube clips you could put in the "External links" section?

Not that I know of (I checked Flickr and other Japanese sites that I know of- those that claim that they have a free license actually put copyrighted images of her). According to what I know about copyright licensing, we are not allowed to put any screenshots with the purpose of illustrating an actor. This would fall under copyrighted images, and seeing that she is a living person, the picture will most likely become a copyvio. Youtube videos of her are mainly screengrabs and fan-videos which have no place in Wikipedia.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Overall:
Pass/Fail:
See below for more feedback. I'll put it on hold a week to give you time to address the issues here.

Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 17:17, 13 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

According to WP:CITELEAD, you should avoid redundancy by citing statements in the lead, unless they're controversial or direct quotes. This doesn't apply to this lead. I suggest removing all but the ref that supports the first sentence, since it's about her name, where she's from, and her age.
Jobbykids isn't mentioned anywhere else in the article, other than in the infobox, where it should be linked. Is Jobbykids a talent agency? You need to talk about Mana's association with them in the article. If you can't find anything, you should remove it from the lead and infobox. Remember, the purpose of the lead is to summarize the article; you shouldn't put any information that isn't in the body of the article.
I'd avoid using the word "star". Instead, you can use "appeared" or "performed", etc, unless she was one of the leads.
1st paragraph: Awkward wording and weasel words. Preposition missing after "acted" in first sentence. See how I've re-framed it.
You use variations of the phrase "in addition" too much. It's not needed, since we know that. Some uses are okay; just don't go overboard with it.

Career

ABC Short Movie 2. Bokenmama: Should the period be a colon (:)?

Done

I put the 1st and 2nd paragraphs together; it's not a good idea to have one-sentence paragraphs.

Agreed. I think I initially wanted to expand on it but couldn't find any more information.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

one of the winners...: Did more than one actor win this award? I ask because "Rookie of the Year" is usually one person; if it were more than one, the award would be called "Rookies of the Year".

Yep. In fact, there were 6. And a for the name, it is just another oddity. I don't think they were really concerned about the grammar in this case.

And you have to say "one of the winners" because if you don't, people will think that she was the only one. How funny about the grammar, eh? ;) Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 14:58, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Mana Ashida won awards such as the Best Supporting Actress at the 14th Nikkan Sports Drama Grand Prix and the Special Award at the 4th Tokyo Drama Awards for her role in this television drama. Be careful stating the subject's name too much. This brings up a question: are you following the Western convention or Eastern? IOW, what's her surname? I notice that you're using "Asida" throughout the article; if that's not her surname, we need to change it and follow the convention of using her surname when we refer to her, even though she's a child. Did she win more awards than the ones listed? If so, you just need to state the awards. I deleted "this television drama" because it's already stated.

Her surname is Ashida and her given name is Mana. So I think I have followed the Western convention correctly.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Notice that I've restructured the paragraph breaks in this section.
the special television drama-cum-movie..." What do you mean by "special"? Is that a Japanese designation? If not, I'd remove the word. And what does "drama-cum-movie" mean?

This particular term is hard to explain and has stumped many editors like myself. It is referring to a television drama with only one episode. It is as long as a full length movie, but it is not quite a movie because 1) it will never be screened in cinema and 2) the way it is structured resembles more of a television drama episode than an actual movie. Lastly, the Japanese use the term SP (Special Programme) when they refer to such a show. Any suggestions of what to term it as? --Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I see. It sounds like it's the equivalent to "movie-of-the-week" in the U.S. I wonder if we should link it to Television film? I'll let you decide, since you're the Japanese media expert. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 14:58, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

In the spring drama season, she starred in the television drama Marumo no Okite, where she became the youngest actress in a drama series. Let's re-structure this sentence to: "In the spring drama season, she became the youngest actress in a drama series when she starred in the television drama Marumo no Okite." This also corrects "where"; TV shows aren't generally places.

Done--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The next paragraph is kind of a mess. It repeats information; I will try and restructure it.
Like Ashida, Suzuki was six; did that make him the youngest actor? If so, you should say so. I would also deleted the word "then"; you don't characterize Ashida in this way and it's obvious.
How long was the TV series?

11 episodes with one SP (see above explanation about SPs)--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

... with an average age of 6 years old. I've deleted this phrase because we already know their ages.
I'm not sure it's necessary to state the previous record-holders. Perhaps you can put it in a note.
I've edited the sentences about Music Japan, since it already happened. Information about an announcement is unnecessary.
Is the two films listed in the final paragraph the only two she appeared in? If so, that's not "several", so you should strike the word. You also don't have to state that they're Japanese films, since the titles are in the language.

Not really, I think. The full list can be seen below in the filmography section.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I'll stop here, and continue later, probably tomorrow. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 21:13, 14 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Ok, so I did a really dumb thing just now. I've been working on all my feedback, explanations of my copy-edits, and questions for the last few hours--and I didn't save it. I'm sure you can guess what happened--argh!! Instead of trying to re-create it, since I wouldn't remember everything anyway, I'll just ask questions that I wasn't able to resolve. I'm very sorry. If you have any questions about my copy-edits, please ask.

It's okay. I don't usually question copy-editors and assume that whatever they had done was in good faith.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Late 2010 - early 2011

She won awards such as the Best Supporting Actress at the 14th Nikkan Sports Drama Grand Prix and the Special Award at the 4th Tokyo Drama Awards for her role. Are these the only awards she won? If so, you should just say so; the phrase "such as" implies that she won more and you're only listing two of them.

That is precisely the case (see the awards section). And if you are wondering, there are many more insignificant awards that I didn't bother listing here because they are impossible to reference and frankly speaking, nobody even cares about them.

Last paragraph: Did Ashida star in "several" films, or just these two? If it was just the two, I suggest removing "several".

Late 2011

3rd & 4th paragraphs: Is it necessary to name the exact ages? I'm not sure it is, unless the sources make a big deal out of it.

Yep, the sources made a big deal out of it. The sources wanted to highlight the age difference between the previous and the new record, I think.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

2012 - present

Ashida starred as Miu Kinoshita, the daughter of a single father who suffered from juvenile Alzheimer's disease... This sentence reads like the father suffered from Alzheimer's. I'm sure that's not what you meant. If not, you should change it to: "Ashida starred as Miu Kinoshita, who suffered from juvenile Alzheimer's disease and was the daughter of a single father..."

Yup the former meaning of the sentence is accurate, not your other interpretation.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

She auditioned for the role in October 2011, when she reportedly impressed the judges with her rich expressiveness. I have issue with the word "judges", which connotes to me that it was a competition. Is that accurate? If it wasn't a competition, perhaps you should change it to "producers", or whomever she auditioned for.

I am not sure. I took the translation from the Japanese article and the closest I can think of is judges. Perhaps panelist?--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Personal life

Ashida revealed that she looks up to the K-pop group Kara. Awkward wording; I actually fixed a lot of it in my copy-edit. "Looks up to" is unencyclopedic. This is a better way, I think: "Ashida is a fan of the K-pop group Kara."

Done--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I suggest removing the sentence about her fav foods; it's very fannish.

Done. Added some extra info which you could review.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I had more, but I lost it all. I think that I've helped make this article tighter, though. I'll keep this on hold for a week to give you time to look at what I've done and address my questions. Thanks. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 21:13, 14 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for the copyedit! What a long wait... Anyways, I might not be so active on Wikipedia now since I have moved on to Singapore's version of high school and my homework load is huge. But I will try to reply ASAP.--Lionratz (talk) 03:07, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I think that with the changes we both made, this article is good to go. I'll leave it to you to address the few issues I have above, and trust that you'll take care of them. Good luck in your studies! How cool is it that you're editing WP as a high school student! The stuff you'll learn here will be invaluable, and I suspect will help you become very competitive as you enroll in university. Christine (Figureskatingfan) (talk) 14:58, 18 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks so much for your help and your encouragement! Rest assured that I will continue to improve the article as I go along. Happy editing!--Lionratz (talk) 00:16, 19 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]