Talk:Leon Day/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: EricEnfermero (talk · contribs) 04:34, 18 April 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I'm happy to take on this review. I should be able to get to it this week. Many thanks in advance to the nominator for putting in a lot of work in a relatively overlooked area of baseball history. EricEnfermero (Talk) 04:34, 18 April 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Here is my review of this entry based on the Good Article criteria. I will read through the article one section at a time and will leave comments as I go. As I read, I may have some feedback that I think would fall outside of the GA criteria, so I'll use a separate section to note those things. (Those details won't be the basis of a GA pass or fail, and I might just fix them myself at the conclusion of the review.)

Feedback related to the GA criteria

Some of the wording in the lead section could be toned down to comply with WP:NPOV. I would take out the part with one of the most versatile and desirable athletes in the league. "Desirable" is vague enough that it's not valuable here, and the entry describes his versatility more objectively in the next sentence anyway. I do see where desirable was used in a press release to describe Day, but press releases carry almost no weight in an encyclopedia.
The lead mentions passion for the game, and the wording seems to connect his winter ball play in Puerto Rico to that passion. I don't think the body of the article really proves a connection or says much about passion.
"Nonetheless, Day was finally elected" - might get rid of "finally".
"In more recent times, Day is considered one of the best pitchers" - what is meant by "more recent"? HOF membership is recognition as one of the best, so I think you mean more recent than his playing days, not more recent than his HOF induction. Maybe switch the order of the last two sentences in the lead?
In the early life section, the phrase describing Mount Winans ("a poverty-stricken, predominantly black community in Southwest Baltimore") is too closely paraphrased to the Nathan source ("a poverty-stricken, all-black community in Southwest Baltimore").
In the same section, does the Nathan source support the info about Lamon Yokeley? I can't view some of the pages of that source on Google Books, but a keyword search of the source doesn't turn up any hits for Yokeley.
"Day delivered a high-octane fastball at 90–95 mph deceptively with no windup" - just to tone it down a little bit and to clarify the issue of the deception, maybe "Though just 5'9", Day delivered a 90–95 mph fastball. The pitch was deceptively fast because Day did not use a windup."
Next paragraph, you talk about the 18-strikeout game, and then you mention a relief appearance with 7 K's as "another Negro league high mark". What kind of record is it? K's in relief in an All-Star Game? Or something else?
"Lofty sum of $100" - maybe something more neutral like "received an extra $100"?
Other leagues, first paragraph - regarding the 19 K game, unless I am missing it, I don't see where the sources describe this as an extra-inning game.
Discussing his military service in two sections is throwing off the chronological flow of the article a bit. I'd move all of the military stuff to the Negro leagues section. The military play could be considered an "other league", but I don't think so.
Later life and legacy - the second and third sentences in this section have some wording that is too close to the original (Nathan, p. 249).

Feedback outside of the GA criteria

In early life, you don't need a comma after Mount Winans Athletic Club.
In the Negro leagues section - "By most accounts, Day was discovered" - Is there more than one credible/reliably sourced explanation for his discovery?
Same section "gaining valuable insight...by" - should be "gaining valuable insight... from"
Same section "mentored on his pick-off game" - sounds a little casual to me. I would use "his pickoff move".
Negro leagues, second paragraph - you have a line-up and a lineup in consecutive sentences. Lineup is more common, so I would just stick with that spelling.
Comma after May 5, 1946 - might restructure that sentence a bit to make it more clear.
Other leagues, first paragraph - what do we mean by "if at all organized"?
Can you clarify what OISE means or stands for?
Other leagues, third para - uppercase L in Mexican League.
Later life and legacy - No comma after hospital.
This section describes Day's height again, but this time as 5'8", not 5'9". I would mention the specific height only once, and you can mention that he is variously listed as 5'8" or 5'9".
Same section - "lead to remarkable pitching duels" - should be led.
"to sponsor organized sports and the cultural significance of the Negro leagues" - I think we are missing a verb before "the cultural significance" - preserve?
I would stick the publication date on your web/newspaper sources. You have the access date, but the original date should be there too.

Summary

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

Here is a quick rundown of where the review stands with respect to each criterion.

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Good job. I think that this feedback can easily be addressed in the coming days. I'll be checking back in to address any questions you have.
Pass/Fail:

Additional comments

EricEnfermero I think I addressed all of your suggestions. If I missed anything or need to include more, let me know.TheGracefulSlick (talk) 20:00, 23 April 2017 (UTC)[reply]

All of this has been addressed to my satisfaction. I did a little more copyediting and passed the article. Great work on this. EricEnfermero (Talk) 02:14, 28 April 2017 (UTC)[reply]