Talk:Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Red Phoenix (talk · contribs) 00:06, 31 October 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Looks like this one's been here for a while, so let's see if we can get it reviewed. I can't say I've ever played any Kingdom Hearts games, but I'm quite familiar with the nominator's work and would be glad to take this one on. Red Phoenix ^{build the future...}_{remember the past...} 00:06, 31 October 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Overall Review

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose is clear and concise, without copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors:

B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. Has an appropriate reference section:

B. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:

B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail:

Section-by-section breakdown

General notes

Overall, I like this article, but it has some copyediting issues. Biggest thing I'm seeing are some sentence fluency issues and use of jargon without links. Remember, more than just video game enthusiasts may read this article, so it's always helpful to think of the reader and use as many links and explanations as possible to help readers understand.
I'm going to go through this with a fine-toothed comb, and I'll review your references as well for formatting and reliability, but in the interest of time I'm not going to spot-check your sources to ensure accurate citations and no plagiarism. It's not necessary for a GA review anyway, but it may come up at an FA candidacy, so bear that in mind.

Lead

Check the use of "overseas" - Overseas will mean something different wherever the reader is in the world.
Two sentences in a row start with "The game" - This needs to be varied for good sentence fluency.
Can a little more about the development and reception be said in the lead?

Gameplay

"Birth by Sleep is an action role-playing game that introduces a gameplay aspect called the Command System, which allows players to customize a Command Deck with techniques and abilities that they can perform at will, called Deck Commands." Can this be broken up a little bit? I get that "Command Deck" and "Deck Commands" are the official terms, but using them, as well as "command" three times in the same sentence, just doesn't read very fluently.
In the same paragraph, "Command Deck" and "command deck" are both used. If it's an official term, be consistent and use the capitalized version. If not, use the lowercase version. Be consistent.
"Performing ordinary attacks and Commands fills a gauge displayed above the command deck that, when certain requirements are fulfilled, activates a Command Style that changes the player's basic attack command with the "Surge" command, which racks up powerful combos depending on what Command Style is activated." This is a run-on sentence, can it be split into two? It also reads slightly nonsensically; I'm lost trying to read it myself and can't figure it out what it means.
"The game does not utilize Magic Points (MP) for spells or magic casting, unlike previous games in the series." Might want to rework to start with "Unlike previous games in the series...", otherwise readers aren't going to understand the significance of "Magic Points".
"Another aspect introduced in the game is the Dimension Link (D-Link) measured in a blue gauge on the interface." This needs a comma after (D-Link).
"The Command Board plays like a regular board game where a die is thrown and the player moves, each space having its own unique effect on the player." I think you're missing a preposition here for the last phrase.
"The gameplay of each scenario differs based on the personalities and abilities of each character such as power, speed and magic:" This runs on a little bit. Are personalities "power, speed, and magic"? To us it seems clear, but that may not be clear to everyone reading, so you may want to think of the reader and split this up a little bit, with either a well-placed comma or with a separate sentence.
"Players are able to choose which of the three scenarios near the beginning of the game and will be able to switch to another scenario midway through." So, players choose which of the three scenarios... to do what?
"Players control one of the three main characters suited in armor in a world known as the Mirage Arena." This sentence seems poorly placed. It's right after four multiplayer modes are mentioned, but which mode is this? I can read on and see it's not intended for this sentence to be one of the modes, but where it's placed, it's hard to tell.
Don't start three or four sentences in a row with "In this mode" or "In that mode". It's poor for sentence fluency and it makes the paragraph very choppy and a tough read.
What is ad-hoc wireless multiplayer? Might want to link to an appropriate article to help readers understand.

Plot

Under normal circumstances, I would be highly concerned about the length of this plot section as being excessive. However, given the highly developed reception and development sections that add a significant amount of real-world value, I would not call it a concern for this review. I'm aware, RPGs tend to have a lot of plot, being someone who enjoys a few of them every now and then myself.
"(featuring for the first time most of the main island setting new to the series rather than Captain Hook's pirate ship and Big Ben from the first game and Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days)" This might be excessive detail, and it's written a bit like advertising. I'm not sure how attached you are to this detail, but I would recommend dropping it all together.
Terra, Aqua, and Ventus are all linked here, but they are mentioned earlier in the article's gameplay section. This means they need to be linked earlier, and not here.
Plot otherwise looks good. I can't really see anything significant in terms of fluency issues.

Development

"after it began due to development of Re:Chain of Memories. The development team changed..." This could use a better sentence-to-sentence transition; it reads quite choppily.
"Nomura has referred to the game as "Episode 0"[51] saying that the game is on the same scale and plays as big an importance as Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts II." - needs a comma.
"with her already trapped in the Realm of Darkness rather, " - rather than what? Word choice here may need re-evaluated.
" DKΣ3713 Private party" Is this whole thing the official name? Is it officially "Private Party", "Private party", or is it just a "private party"? What kind of event is this and what makes it significant?
"In late October 2009, Nomura revealed that he was currently designing the cover art for Birth by Sleep as well as editing the staff rolls due to there being three main characters in Birth by Sleep." - Do we need to use the game's title twice in the same sentence?
Use of "overseas", again, is ambiguous and needs clarification.
"similar to the teasers Deep Dive and Birth by Sleep." - Are these the names of the teasers?

Reception

"The game sold very well during its first two days of release with over 500,000 copies of the game sold in Japan.[78] As of February 14, 2010 the game has sold a total of 800,551 copies of the game solely in Japan." Two uses of "in Japan" in consecutive sentences, and use of the present tense about a 2010 statement are both issues here. Could the sentences be combined to cite both figures?
"In October 2010, it was listed as the sixth bestselling video game in the United States." - Overall? For the year? What do we mean by best selling in this context?
"0.31 and 0.19 million copies coming" - It makes more sense to use thousands here; no reason to use decimals for less than a million.
Avoid using "They" to start two sentences in a row.
"Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep has received positive reviews from gaming publishers" - Gaming publishers, you mean people who publish games? This statement should be clarified a little bit.
"which gave a score of 10/9/9/9" - Is this Famitsu score broken down by category? How is it calculated? If we don't know, it may be best not to list the breakdown.
"A common complaint has been the game's loading times, which tended to be very long depending on the PlayStation Portable's memory." - Starting here, you may have enough for a second paragraph. The rest of the paragraph deals mostly with praises; separating the criticisms in another paragraph would be logical.
Try not to use the word "got" wherever possible.
"IGN featured it in their "Game of the Month"" - Is it an article they write? Is it something they feature as their "Game of the Month"? Needs clarified.
Three sentences in a row start with "In" in the last paragraph; make sure to break this up a little bit for sentence fluency.

Versions and merchandise

We have "Birth By Sleep" and "Birth by Sleep" in the same paragraph here. Make sure it's consistent across the article.
"Overseas version" - from where? Remember, this is the English Wikipedia and it's read worldwide. "Overseas" means something different for everyone.
"The game also has an all-star voice-acting cast of returning members such as Jesse McCartney and James Woods as well as numerous new actors such as Willa Holland, Leonard Nimoy, and Mark Hamill." This needs a comma, but also, can we define "all-star" or use another word? It sounds promotional as it's phrased, and I'd like to avoid any WP:NPOV concerns.
"including the ones" - Ones, what? Are we talking about tracks? "including tracks from" might be a better phrasing.
"In early 2010, Nomura was asked in an interview if Square Enix would release an international Final Mix of Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep to which he replied he would like to as he enjoyed the work from the English voice casting done in the previous games." Also needs a comma to keep from being a run-on.
Last sentence of the Final Mix subsection is out of place. Single sentences should really never be paragraphs to themselves, and also by being a single sentence, the word "it" doesn't really define what it's replacing as a pronoun.
"a second compilation exclusively for the PlayStation 3 after HD 1.5 Remix, that includes both Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix and Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep Final Mix in HD and trophy support" - Rule of English here: you can either use no comma followed by "that", or you can use a comma and follow it with the word "which", but not the other way around in either case. Personally, I would suggest keeping the comma and switching out "that" with "which".

References and external links

There's some inconsistency in the refs using the (First Last) name format and (Last, First). I'd recommend going through the refs and making sure all authors and writers are named (Last, First)
Reference 19: What is this cited from? Is there a publication called "Kingdom Hearts Ultimania"?
I'm familiar with WP:VG/S, but is RPGamer.com a reliable source?
Otherwise looks good.

Images and aesthetics

Looks good. Fair use rationales are good (I would recommend using an info box formatted rationale in the screenshot like is used in the cover art image, though). I would say it needs more images, but as this is an article on a copyrighted work, it's very unlikely to find any free images for this, so I'd say you're in good shape. Tables are good, sectioning is good... good aesthetics overall.

Red Phoenix ^{build the future...}_{remember the past...} 01:28, 31 October 2013 (UTC)[reply]

JudgeSurreal777 has been pretty inactive over the last couple months; if he doesn't show up in the next few days I'll take over this nomination for him. --Pres N 00:04, 2 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- That'd be fantastic, PresN. I'm willing to wait as necessary; if I have time, I'm willing to do more reviews as well. Red Phoenix ^{build the future...}_{remember the past...} 01:39, 2 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Alright, think I've addressed all of the points above. That was a lot of grammar issues! Felt bad for a bit before I realized that I never wrote any of it. RPGamer is a reliable source, they're fully professional. --Pres N 21:12, 4 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]
- Good job. I made a couple of quick edits myself to fix the {{nihongo}} template and address another grammar issue I found. I do know I tend to be a little bit of a grammar Nazi, but hey, it'll mean a better article in the end. There's still a broken cite web template on citation 23, but I'll be darned if I can figure out why that it; it all looks okay. The grammar changes have done wonders for this article; the prose reads much clearer and I'd say we're at GA status. Red Phoenix ^{build the future...}_{remember the past...} 04:20, 5 November 2013 (UTC)[reply]