Talk:Killing of Wadea al-Fayoume/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Moazfargal (talk · contribs) 19:54, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Hi Davest3r08! I'll be reviewing this one. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 19:54, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

GABox

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable, as shown by a source spot-check. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
· · ·

Verifiability

You cite this source in the "Killing" section. The source says that police arrived at the scene at 11:35, which is inconsistent with the attack starting at 11:38 as the secton currently states. You cite this other source later in the article that says that the attack started 11:30 and that police arrived 11:38. Kindly fix this confusion. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 22:46, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Done Verifiability problem solved. Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 00:09, 27 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Suggestions for improvement

I'll place a few suggestions for improving the article prose below. Kindly strike out those you act on, or comment if you feel differently. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 22:46, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Lead section

~~Add information about the aftermath and reactions.~~

Change "in what authorities said was an anti-Muslim and anti-Palestinian hate crime ... Authorities said the killing was an extremist reaction to the contemporaneous 2023 Israel–Hamas war, a part of the Israeli–Palestinian conflict." to "[[Authorities have described the killing as a hate crime motivated by [[Islamophobia and anti-Palestinianism, and an extremist reaction to the contemporaneous 2023 Israel–Hamas war." (This unifies all authorities' remarks in a single sentence, uses the more common term 'islamophobia' and avoids a sea of blue.)

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 00:07, 27 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Killing

~~Add an "at" before "around 11:38 a.m. on October 14, 2023."~~

Change "Shahin scratched him then ran to the bathroom and called 9-1-1." to "Shahin scratched him, ran to the bathroom and called 9-1-1."

Change "she found her son, six-year-old Wadea al-Fayoume, with multiple stab wounds" to "she found here six-year old son Wadea al-Fayoume wounded with multiple stabs."

Change "were transported to the hospital" to "a hospital," unless the hospital is known, in which case it should be mentioned in the sentence.

~~Instead of all refs being at the end of the paragraph, place each reference at the end of the sentence it is relevant to.~~

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:53, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Accused

Relocate the sentences in this section that talk about the killing ("Joseph Czuba, the 71-year-old landlord of Shahin, came to her door on October 14, angry with her about what was happening in Jerusalem. After she responded "let's give peace a chance", he attacked her with a knife. Law enforcement officers who arrived at the scene found Czuba sitting outside Shahin's home with a laceration on his face.") to the section above. Also, consider replacing "laceration" with a more common word/phrase like "deep cut."

~~"At a hearing on October 16" I don't think this is particularly relevant to the topic at hand.~~

~~Like in "Killing," instead of all refs being at the end of the paragraph, place each reference at the end of the sentence it is relevant to.~~

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:54, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Legal proceedings

~~Remove "committing" so the sentence reads "two counts of hate crimes.~~

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:35, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Aftermath

~~Change "in Plainfield at a local basketball court" to "at a local basketball court in Plainfield."~~

Change "was also in attendance" to "attended."

Decapitalize "president."

~~Change "with another being earmarked for creating a charity" to "and another portion will be used to establish a charity."~~

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:34, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Reactions

~~Change "prompted many public statements and condemning" to "prompted many public statements and condemnations."~~

~~The entire text of Biden's statement is not needed. Summarize it in normal inline prose.~~

Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:51, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Review on hold

As is customary practice, I will place the review on hold for seven days until the aforementioned issues are resolved. Davest3r08, if you finish this in less than seven days, notify me here (and ping!) or on my talk page. After these issues are fixed, I will invite a more experienced reviewer (this is my first review) to chip in with their thoughts. I'll also need their help with checking the conformity with the relevant policies of the image used and checking for copyvio, as I am inexperienced in these areas. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 22:55, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Moazfargal, sure! — Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 23:00, 26 November 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Davest3r08, sorry for the delay. I'll be checking the article in a moment. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 16:33, 1 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

~~Ok, I've noticed a number of minor issues, which should be fixed easily:~~

In the lead, start a new paragraph at "The killing lead to." Also, the fundraiser was ~~created~~ organized ... and creating establishing."

Also in the lead, remove the individual charges and say instead that he has been charged with five counts for which he potentially faces up to ...

In the "Killing" section, move reference 3 to the end of the sentence.

Czuba's age and position as the leandlord belong in the "Accused" section, and the fact that he has been arrested/charged isn't needed in the "Accused" section as it is already mentioned and elaborated on in the "Legal proceedings" section.

In the "Aftermath" section, add a comma after "spoke to the crowd" and remove the comma after "LaunchGood". Again, change "created" to "organized" with regards to the fundraiser.

Rephrase the last paragraph to: "The attack, along with other similar events, have led many Palestinian Americans and other Muslims to cancel plans, made them monitor their speech and actions, and made them concerned about their safety and that of their family members. A similar concern was seen by Jewish Americans, and security has been increased around mosques and synagogues across the country."

@Moazfargal Done Davest3r08 >:) ^(talk) 17:19, 1 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

—M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 16:53, 1 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Great! I've posted to WT:GAN requesting assistance with the image and copyvio criteria, and that a more experienced reviewer give their thoughts before I finally close this nomination. —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 17:29, 1 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Review passed

Davest3r08, it seems there is no issue regarding copyright and the images, as far as I can understand from what I've read. Since I do not want to delay this review further, I'm going to go ahead and pass this nomination. Congrats! —M3ATH (Moazfargal · Talk) 16:26, 3 December 2023 (UTC)[reply]