Talk:Kill for Candy/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 00:21, 4 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Picking this up for a review if that is okay with you. I am interested to learn more about this group as a huge fan of No Doubt and Gwen Stefani. Plus, the single cover is intriguing. Aoba47 (talk) 00:21, 4 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Infobox and lead

For this part, Following the group's formation, "Kill for Candy" was one of the first four songs the quartet wrote together., I would replace either the group/the quartet with Dreamcar since I think it is a little strange to have two different substitutes in a single sentence.

Reworded. Carbrera (talk) 17:57, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I would avoid having this sentence structure, with some calling it one of the best songs off of, as it is general discouraged to have the "with X verb-ing" structure.

Reworded. Carbrera (talk) 17:57, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I am unsure about the use of the word "attempts" in this part, and attempts to captures the band's daily lives through the use of, as it has a connotation that things did not work out as it was an "attempt".

Reworded. Carbrera (talk) 17:57, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I am uncertain about two WikiProjects on the talk page (i.e. alternative music and rock music) as I do not think new wave music really covers both of those things as it is such a broad genre. Aoba47 (talk) 02:46, 4 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I removed the two WikiProjects from the talk page. Carbrera (talk) 17:57, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Background and release

I would move the Davey Havok image to this section as the caption is more about the song's background than the composition and lyrics. If possible, I would actually find it more helpful to have an audio sample in the "Composition and lyrics" section, although I know it is a pain to upload them.

I moved it to the start of the second paragraph for the section so it would not interfere with the infobox. Hopefully this works. Carbrera (talk) 17:33, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

That seems fine to me. In my window, it would not interfere with the infobox at the start of the first paragraph, but I do not have an issue with putting it there. Aoba47 (talk) 21:05, 9 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

That's interesting, what browser do you typically use? I use the desktop version of Safari (and lately the text sizing has been frustrating me, actually). Carbrera (talk) 02:13, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I use Google Chrome. Again, I just want to clarify that I do not have any issue with the current placement. My last comment was meant more as an observation. Aoba47 (talk) 03:23, 10 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Sounds good, thank you for the clarification. Carbrera (talk) 04:05, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I have a question about this sentence: He said that the music they came up was deeply inspirational and "touched on aspects of [his] musical upbringing" that he had previously ignored. Could you expand on these "aspects" brought up in the quote? Is that something further defined in the article? I just find the current wording to be overly vague.

I added a little bit to this sentence, so I hope that answers your question. Carbrera (talk) 17:27, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

This is more of a clarification question, but is there any further information on how Tim Pagnotta fits into this picture? Like do we know how he got involved with producing this song, and the entirety of the Dreamcar album, in the first place?

I admit I have had difficulty learning more about his role in Dreamcar's music. Most of the research I've gathered just mentions his affiliation with other groups (Sugarcult and Neon Trees). I found this which I felt was useful initially, but I am unsure about the website's reliability. Carbrera (talk) 17:27, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I would think information on the song's original release in March 2, 2017 would come before mentioned the album's release date in May 2017 and the article about the song's inclusion on the album in April 2017. I find the second paragraph to be a little backwards, and I just generally find it helpful to organize this kind of information in a more chronological order.

I revised this paragraph. Carbrera (talk) 17:33, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Is the April 2017 announcement really relevant or notable enough to mention here? It would seem obvious that a lead single would be included on the album, so I am just not sure of the value of this sentence: The song's inclusion was announced on April 7, when the group formally released the album's cover art and tentative track listing. I could maybe see a reason if the single was not explicitly promoted as a lead single on its release or Dreamcar's plans for a full album was not clear at the time. Aoba47 (talk) 03:12, 4 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I removed this sentence. Carbrera (talk) 17:33, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Composition and lyrics

I would link chorus in this quote, "soaring chorus", as it may be helpful for readers unfamiliar with music-related terminology.

Linked. Carbrera (talk) 16:54, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I am uncertain about the structure of this part, Kanal, who plays bass guitar on the song, was compared to New Order's Peter Hook for his performance by Pitchfork's Zoe Camp., as this marks two sentences in a row that puts the attribution at the end. I think it makes this somewhat unnecessarily repetitive so I would change this instance to avoid that.

Revised. Carbrera (talk) 16:54, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I have a question about this sentence: The song's '80s-sound was considered to fall within the New Romantic movement, and received a comparison to English band A Flock of Seagulls. Who is considering this song in this way, and who is comparing the song the A Flock of Seagulls? I would make the attribution clear in the prose, particularly since this all seems to come from one critic.

Added critic's name and association. Carbrera (talk) 16:54, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I would strongly encourage you to paraphrase this quote, "flirt[ed]", as I have been repeatedly told that single-word quotes are not particularly useful, and in my opinion, they are even less useful when the word needs to be changed to fit into the article.

Revised. Carbrera (talk) 16:54, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Reception

I think the first paragraph could be written better to form a stronger and more cohesive narrative. I would look at Wikipedia:Copyediting reception sections as a good resource on this. For instance, I would make the things discussed in the lead (i.e. critics calling this song an album highlight and critics disliking the lyrics and calling it forgettable) more apparent to the reader.

I sat down this morning and really tried to create a more thoughtful paragraph. I'm sure it's not perfect or up to FA standards, but I hope you find it more satisfactory. Let me know if there's anything else I can do. Carbrera (talk) 17:33, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

The word while in this part, while AllMusic's Matt Collar referred to, does not really make sense as it is used to mark a contrast and there is not a clear contrast in this part. I would use a different transition word in its place.

Removed. Carbrera (talk) 17:33, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Music video

I would make it clear that the second paragraph is about the first music video, particularly since the first paragraph ends with a part on the second music video.

I added "main" to the first sentence to distinguish the two videos. Carbrera (talk) 18:10, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I have a comment on this part, to that of American actor John Waters. I would argue that most people know Waters as a director than as an actor.

Thanks for the suggestion. I am not too familiar with Waters' work. Carbrera (talk) 18:10, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Live performances

I have a question about the use of the word "eventually" in this part, which was eventually posted to the series' YouTube channel. Was there a significant amount of time for this video to be uploaded on YouTube or some sort of issue with its upload? I am only curious as this is the vibe I get from the word "eventually".

I replaced "eventually" with "also". Carbrera (talk) 18:08, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Credits and personnel

Any information on the recording studios?

According to AllMusic, the album was recorded at 2 different studios in Hollywood, CA, but I am unsure if this song was recorded at just one or both studio(s). I own the Dreamcar CD too, but I do not have access to it at the moment (I am fairly certain the liner notes do not reveal specific recording credits anyway). Carbrera (talk) 18:02, 8 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

That makes sense to me. Thank you for the clarification. Aoba47 (talk) 18:05, 8 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Apologies for the delay in my review. I believe that I have reviewed everything related to the prose. I will go through and do a source review either tonight or tomorrow. Have a great rest of your week and stay safe! Aoba47 (talk) 20:54, 4 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Citations

Would it be possible to replace Amazon.com (citation 10) without something else?

Could you clarify what you mean? Carbrera (talk) 17:14, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I meant with something else. Apologies for the typo. Aoba47 (talk) 17:15, 9 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the fast response. Do you think it would be acceptable to remove it completely and use the Apple Music link instead? Carbrera (talk) 17:18, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

That would work for me. Aoba47 (talk) 17:22, 9 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I am a little confused by how Billboard is linked as, it is linked citation 10, but not in the earlier citation 7. I would move the citation up to the first instance to match with how the citations are done with everything else.

My bad, I must've missed the earlier one. Carbrera (talk) 17:14, 9 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

I believe this concludes my review. I hope this is helpful, and please let me know if you have any questions and/or comments. Have a great rest of your week! Aoba47 (talk) 03:56, 5 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Carbrera: I just wanted to ping you to make sure you are aware that my full review has been posted as it has been a few days since I put this up. Aoba47 (talk) 01:32, 7 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Aoba47 – I just wanted to let you know that I believe I finished responding to your comments and making the corresponding edits to the article. Please let me know if there's anything else I can do. Thanks, Carbrera (talk) 17:34, 10 March 2021 (UTC).[reply]

Thank you for your patience with the review. I will ✓ Pass this. Have a great rest of your week! Aoba47 (talk) 18:41, 10 March 2021 (UTC)[reply]