Talk:Kick Your Game/GA1

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 14:52, 14 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Grabbing this for a review as I love TLC. Aoba47 (talk) 14:52, 14 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Infobox and lead

Please cite the "funky" quote in the lead or paraphrase to avoid the quote altogether. The same comment applies to the "the proper way to approach a lady" quote.
You describe the song as "R&B-dance" but you do not include dance in the infobox. Also, the identification of the song as hip-hop does not appear in the lead.
I am uncertain about including "funk" in the infobox as a critic describing a song as "funky" does not directly translate to a song being an example of funk.
Change "an promotional airplay single" to "a promotional airplay single".
I have a few issues with the following phrase (Lopes' rap verses were said to reference her then-boyfriend American football player Andre Rison, the one whose house Lopes infamously burnt during the making of CrazySexyCool.). First, attribute who said the rap verses were about this or revise it to avoid the somewhat awkward sentence construction. Second, the word "infamously" is not needed and can be removed as it brings up issues of POV. And third, this phrase is already part of a rather long sentence. I would suggest having the sentence split into two with either one focusing on the lyrics and the other on Lopes' rap or one focusing on the lyrics and rap and the other on the arson background information.
Change "Since the release" to "Since its release".
In the sentence (Critically, it received lukewarm reviews from music critics, some noticed the song as one of the album's highlights and praised Lopes' performance while others just didn't find it interesting.), replace the comma after music critics with a semicolon.

Body of the article

Add ALT text to the images.
You are missing a word in this phrase (TLC began working on the their second CrazySexyCool).
The following phrase reads awkwardly (and continued through till September 1994), specifically the "continued through till" part. Please revise this.
The following sentence is too long and would benefit from revision. I would cut this sentence up into multiple parts: (On the album, again they worked with writer-producer Jermaine Dupri, the one who was significantly involved in the trio's early formation, that included creating member Tionne "T-Boz" Watkins' signature "husky" singing voice, sending their demo, helping them landed a contract with LaFace Records and working on Ooooooohhh ... On the TLC Tip, where he also wrote and produced a track named "Bad by Myself"). The sentence is also very confusing in the last part when talking about the group's early formation so please make the meaning and context clearer.
In the sentence mentioned above, "again" can be removed as it is filler.
The image's caption is misleading as "one of his most proudest works in 2016." could be read as Dupri saying that this was his proudest work that he did in the year 2016.
Please revise the following sentence as it reads awkwardly (For CrazySexyCool, Dupri continued to work on two of its interludes and two other full-length songs, which are "Switch" and "Kick Your Game", both being written and produced by him and his musical partner Manuel Seal, with additional lyrics written by TLC's member Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes.).
I am not certain about the long caption for the audio sample as a majority of the information could be covered in the prose of the actual section itself. I would cut down the caption.
Please revise the following sentence as it reads awkwardly (The rapper was usually absent during the album's making due to her having checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse which had played a part in her being charged with first degree arson to boyfriend American football player Andre Rison's mansion in June 1994.).
In the phrase (Two other members of the group still), you can just say their names.
I am not sure what this sentence means (Moreover, Hurley also noticed a quite character-like in the verses that further proof can be found on "Switch".). What do you mean by "character-like?
I would suggest adding topic sentences to the paragraphs in the "Critical reception" section. You have done a good job with the organization there, but I think that topic sentences would give it a little more polish.
In the sentence (In July 1995, TLC joined other artists for the 16th Annual Budweiser Superfest Tour, with "Kick Your Game" being added to their tracklist.), I do not believe the "joined other artists" part is really necessary.

Verdict

You have done great work with this article, but I will have to ✗ Fail this as I am noticing a lot of prose issues here even while doing just a cursory read-through. I would recommend having this copy-edited before submitting it again for GAN in the future. Aoba47 (talk) 15:17, 14 August 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.