Talk:Kaminey/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Dr. Blofeld (talk · contribs) 14:10, 11 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Will review within 48 hours :-]♦ Dr. ☠ Blofeld 14:10, 11 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"Kaminey (English: The Scoundrels) is a 2009 Indian caper thriller film directed by Vishal Bharadwaj and featuring Shahid Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra and Amol Gupte in the lead roles. Set against a backdrop of the underworld, the film tells the story of a day in the lives of a pair of twins, one of whom has a lisp and the other who stutters. Bhardwaj co-wrote the screenplay along with Sabrina Dhawan, Abhishek Chaubey and Supratik Sen to a script he bought for $4000 from Kenyan writer Cajetan Boy—whom he had mentored at a scriptwriting workshop in Uganda. The film's soundtrack album became very popular after its release; the song "Dhan Te Nan" topped the charts across various platforms. It was released on 14 August 2009 to good box office collections and was a box-office success in India and overseas, with collections of over INR710 million (US$12 million) against a budget of INR350 million (US$5.9 million)." -Needs paragraph breaking. Bhardwhaj co-wrote should be a new paragraph.

"The film received overwhelmingly positive reception from critics, who praised every aspect of the film and compared it to Pulp Fiction describing as Bollywood's first Pulp Fiction. " looks a little excessive, The film was very well-received from critics who compared it to Pulp Fiction will suffice.
Done: Tweaked.—Prashant 16:12, 18 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"The film also won two National Film Awards; Best Audiography for Subash Sahoo and Special Jury Award at the 57th National Film Awards for its editing for A. Sreekar Prasad." editing by...
Done: Tweaked.—Prashant 16:12, 18 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Plot

have grown up - grew up
"could never agree an anything" - can never agree with anything
but when Charlie reurns -returns
Second half of plot is way too long especially the last but one paragraph, please condense.
Done: Corrected.—Prashant 16:12, 18 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Development

Wikilink masala movie if it has an article.
because he admired her roots in India and her worldwide cinematic outlook.. Really?
"Bhardwaj said that despite the complicated structure, Kaminey is anything but arty or a film that could alienate the audiences in any part of India,[6] and that it is a simple story with a complicated structure."[6] Dhawan said that " repetition of said that.
" showed concern over the film's title, terming it as "odd", and some people were shocked." why?
and all the characters except one have agenda. an agenda.
This section is too convoluted and needs to be copyedited and condensed.

Casting

" Several media " -Several media outlets
Again repetition of "said that ", try stated.
"saying he has the character and attitude he wanted, " -why present tense?

Characters

found -repetition
" and found it physically delightful" -strange expression, and no explanation as to why or what was that.
Mispelling of Humourous, even in British English it's humorous.

Filming

"Kapoor and Chopra met with a minor accident." Did it say hello? Try "had a minor accident"

Themes

Way too many quotes, a lot of them would be best reworded into prose to improve flow.

Marketing

"first-look poster" -teaser poster?

Critical reception

Must Watch -Why the capitals?

Box office

"with occupancy around 90% across multiplexes. " how long for though, it seems a misleading statement.

Awards and nominations
Could use a few citations in the prose.

Normally I'd fail this due to the quality of prose throughout and the fact that a lot of it reads as a narrative with xxx said this, xxx said that. Plot is way too long, especially second half, so much repetition of guitar case, it can be condensed considerably. Commendable effort, but needs a major copy edit from top and to bottom and reduction of the shorter snappy sentences and the wording to be improved and made more encyclopedic. I'll put it on hold for two weeks, can you try to get a good copyeditor to improve it? I can try to make a few improvements but I'm not willing to edit it to the extent that it needs and I think it needs at least two editors working on copyediting it. I'm willing to take a look at it once one or two other editors have copyedited it first. I'll take a look at this again on the 20th to see how things are progressing, but if the prose hasn't significantly improved by then I'm afraid I'll have to fail it. ♦ Dr. Blofeld 19:52, 13 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose quality:

Needs a major copyedit/rewrite.

B. MoS compliance:
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. References to sources:

B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:

Needs to be condensed with a better focus and structure in parts

Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:

A distinct lack of criticism

Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:

B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail:

Sorry, but I've seen little evidence that you've attempted to address all of my concerns and to get a few other people to help out with copy editing it. You've had two weeks on this. The content is there for GA and your effort to produce the content is commendable but unfortunately the quality of the prose has let you down, and until it is really given a thorough copyedit I don't think I can pass it for GA.♦ Dr. Blofeld 08:28, 27 August 2013 (UTC)[reply]