Talk:Kamil Tolon/GA1

GA Review

Passed. Vanamonde (Talk) 17:27, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Vanamonde93 (talk · contribs) 03:27, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I'll take this one, which I see has been greatly improved since the FAC fail some years ago. Comments to follow: I'll start with sources, then continue with spotchecks and then prose. I'll make some copy-edits as I go, but flag major prose issues here. Vanamonde (Talk) 03:35, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I've run into some issues right away; the book sources are entirely described in Turkish, meaning I have very little to go off of for judging reliability. I would suggest supplying translated titles, but can you please also describe the publishers and why they are reliable here? I will hold off from the review until we have been through that. @Styyx:, since you haven't been too active; perhaps you have email notifications enabled. Vanamonde (Talk) 03:35, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Hi Vanamonde93. Thanks for starting the review. I'm still around here, so I see the pings. The publishers with an enwiki or trwiki article on WP can be considered quite major. Kebikeç (Çolak et al. 2016) is a peer-reviewed journal that also publishes books by academics. Doğan Media Group (Pamuk & Kumcu 2001) was a huge independent media firm, before being sold and merged into Demirören Group in 2018. Olay Medya (Yıldız 2017) is a firm local to Bursa. Other than that ALFA (Altun, Sarıoğlu 2006) is also a widely know publishing house. Let me know if any of them still concern you. Styyx (talk) 09:52, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for responding promptly. The Yıldız 2017 source is the only one I remained concerned about; a local publishing house is not unlikely to generate vanity coverage, unless the author is well-known? Do you have any information about the author? If not, I think it may still be usable, but I would be very careful about exceptional claims and statements that reflect very positively (or negatively, but that doesn't seem to be a concern here) on the subject. Vanamonde (Talk) 16:18, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

It's a magazine, owned by another large holding. As for the author, Yıldız has an article on trwiki. She is a poet and writer. Styyx (talk) 18:11, 9 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I spot-checked a dozen footnotes; all check out, within the limitations of google translate. I will AGF that minor differences are the fault of the translator, as the English it produces is quite garbled.
Copyright spotchecks are also clear, and Earwig's tool only flags a mirror so far as I can see.
Starting with prose questions:
"in a family known as Saatçioğulları." I'm not sure what this means; if "Saatçioğulları" was the surname, it should be "Saatçioğulları family",
Not really a surname. Didn't exist back then. Saatçioğulları means "Watcher's sons", so probably somewhere in the family line someone was a watch/clock maker and his descendants were called that. Wouldn't object changing it to what you suggested, but let me know what you find the best.
I would explain it as you did, and perhaps place the Turkish term in parentheses? It's interesting information, but as it stands in English it's not comprehensible.
I changed it a bit.

"graduated in September 1935 as Muhittin oğlu Kamil Efendi" I'm sorry, but I don't know what that means; "Muhittin oğlu Kamil Efendi" sounds like a title, but one does not usually receive a title when graduating high school?
That's understandable, but it's not a title. Turkey had no surnames back then, and people were known as "X's son/daughter Y". So "Muhittin oğlu Kamil" basically means "Muhittin's son Kamil". Efendi is comparable to Sir.
Okay: but then what does "graduated as Sir Muhittin's son Kamil" mean? If you're just including it to mention his name prior to the surname law, I would suggest doing it when you mention the name change; also; keeping MOS:HONORIFIC in mind I suspect we should remove "efendi".
Done, though I moved it more up instead. It also serves as a solution for the "Birth name" suggestion below.
This is much better; final suggestion would be to add the English translation in parentheses.

"His first invention was a music box" music boxes were invented much before Tolon was in high school; I assume he designed his own, which is a slightly different statement. I've made this adjustment, please revert if necessary.
Yeah no that would be correct.

I would suggest briefly explaining the surname law: also, clarifying whether he "got" the surname (from someone else) or chose it for himself; would suggest "given" in the former case, and "took" in the latter.

Also: if he was not "Kamil Tolon" at birth, I suggest adding his birth name in the first sentence.
Clarified the law.
Comment about birth name remains...
See above.

"When the villager guiding him put the cookie given by Tolon between bread to eat it, he decided to resign from PTT since there was "a lot to do for this country". I don't follow this either. First, the story sounds apocryphal; at the very least it requires in-text attribution. Second, is the point being made that the villager was poor, and had no food to eat? Because it's not obvious.
Simplified by cutting the story and just mentioning it as an encounter with a villager.

"Batıca said that engineering was mostly Tolon's thing to do." Can you please explain this? Is Batica saying he couldn't do the work, or that he was uninterested, or something else?
Done.

"In 1944, Tolon was drafted into the army for a third time" We have not learned that he was drafted twice before; when did that happen, and why don't we mention it?
Not mentioned anywhere. I know that the first would be the mandatory service everyone has after completing their education, which isn't something special. No idea about the second. I dropped the "third time".

Link and/or explain "mine cutting machines"? and what does "in serial production" mean here?
Reworded.

"The same year he returned to Bursa from the military" what year was this? It's a confusing section intro.
I don't know what I did there: fixed now.

What is a warping machine? Can you link or explain?
Power loom; swapped word.

"A European manufacturer also joined the testing, but secretly installed iron bars on the farm land where the test took place, causing the harvester to break": this made me raise my eyebrows; industrial sabotage of this sort is well-known, certainly, but if it happened here it should be mentioned in more than one source; are you sure this isn't apocryphal?
As you said, it was pretty common at the time (and still is). Yıldız is a decent source for that. These are a few more sources that mention a sabotage:
Okay, that seems reasonable with the additional sources.

Dalgakıran, Adnan; et al. (2015). Türk makine imalatında 50 yılı aşan serüvenler (PDF) (in Turkish). Origami Medya. p. 38.
Güçlü, Göktan; et al. (2020). "Türkiye'de çamaşır ve bulaşık makinesinin ilk adresi: "TOLON"" (PDF). RADÜS (in Turkish). Vol. 8, no. 94. Profisan. p. 20. ISSN 2147-1754.

"While visiting Bursa, Adnan Menderes told Tolon that the import quota was scrapped, and forced him to manufacture his own engine." This is a deeply confusing sentence; who is Menderes? Why was he forcing Tolon into anything (and how; Turkey wasn't an autocracy?) If the import quota was scrapped, why did he need to make engines at all?
Added Menderes as PM. He was introduced earlier as a friend of Tolon and they just knew each other well. He basically took away Tolon's permit (or similar) to import, causing him to build his own. I think the import quota part was just a mistake in translation by me.

"The engine had a power of 0.35 kilowatts (0.47 hp)." This is contradicted by the next sentence; what does this mean?
Clarified. I think the first one was just a small prototype (not explicitly mentioned in source though), and the one that went into mass production was different.

Where is the quote "these domestic washing machines.." coming from? In text attribution is needed.
Added in-text attribution to the newspaper. Whole Turkish quote is in a note.

Is "Soğukpınarlı" a neighborhood? A city? Needs a link and explanation. Same for Kapalıçarşı.
Added village to Soğukpınarlı; Kapalıçarşı is the bazaar of Bursa.

"resume production of those who were affected by the fire" this isn't grammatical: do you mean he was the first workshop in the area to resume production? Also: as above, this strikes me as a bit of an exceptional claim. In general, "first of..." sort of claims require high-quality sources; if you want to keep it in, my suggestion would be to say he resumed production early.
Changed to "one of the first", though as said above Kebikeç is a high-quality source.

"The model was produced until the mid-1960s" which model, of what machine? This sentence is very out of place.
Removed. A washing machine model was produced was until the mid-60s, but I don't know which and it doesn't seem that important.

"but wasn't able to due to an "out of sorts environment" I'm not sure I understand this, could you please explain?
Clarified.

Add a gloss to Süleyman Demirel and Sabah
The link doesn't work but I can go to Wiktionary myself (:D). I'm still not quite sure what you mean.
Not sure why the pipe trick didn't work, but link fixed...essentially, terms and names the reader won't know should have a brief description with their first use. For instance: "Turkish daily newspaper Sabah". I made that up, I don't know what it is, but that's an example.
Ah OK, done.

"He added that Tolon had made "great contributions" for him to become the leader of the Justice Party" This isn't very clear; who became the leader of the justice party?
Introduced Demirel.
It isn't obvious to me why File:Tolon Makina Broşürü.png is in the public domain in the US; if the author is unknown, and it was published in 1937, I can't think of a tag that fits. However, I'm not a copyright expert. I suggest asking for assistance at the copyright noticeboard; but I don't believe I can pass the article without either tagging the image or removing it, and removing it would be a pity.
I'm afraid it's not suitable. Can't find a replacement either. If I locally upload it under fair use I don't think it would be good to look at at low res.

That's everything I can see at the moment. I'll give you a few days to respond to the prose and image issue. I don't usually bother placing a review on hold formally, but that's more or less where we are. Vanamonde (Talk) 13:31, 15 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Okie, thanks. Just letting you know that I'm still following this and will eventually get it all done. I'll drop you a ping here when I'm finished. Styyx (talk) 13:53, 15 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Vanamonde93, I think I've responded to all. Styyx (talk) 12:21, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking care to work through everything. Only one reply above, then I'd be happy to pass this. Vanamonde (Talk) 16:36, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you: apologies, I actually had two comments; see the one about the family name. If the sources support "who had traditionally been watchmakers", that would work; if the sources offer nothing but the name, and the interpretation of the name is fuzzy, you can leave it as it is. Regardless, that's a minor point, so I'll pass this now. Vanamonde (Talk) 17:26, 18 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.