Talk:Kalākaua's 1874–75 state visit to the United States/GA1
GA Review
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Reviewer: Liveste (talk · contribs) 10:43, 11 October 2019 (UTC)
Kia ora tātou. I've read through the article and the FAC from last year, and I'll be doing the GAN review over the next week. Cheers. – Liveste (talk • edits) 10:43, 11 October 2019 (UTC)
@Liveste: When is this happening? KAVEBEAR (talk) 19:53, 19 October 2019 (UTC)
- @KAVEBEAR: Sincere apologies for the delay. The initial review is published now, and the nomination is on hold pending changes. – Liveste (talk • edits) 09:20, 24 October 2019 (UTC)
Initial review
[edit]GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria
Quite a well-written article. Only minor changes needed, plus a few others that are optional but recommended.
- Is it well written?
- A. The prose is clear and concise, and the spelling and grammar are correct:
- Some minor issues needing clarification or fixing; otherwise, prose is clear, concise, easy to read and engaging.
- B. It complies with the manual of style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation:
- One comment in the Lead part of the Miscellaneous section below; otherwise, article complies with all relevant sections of the MoS.
- A. The prose is clear and concise, and the spelling and grammar are correct:
- Is it verifiable with no original research?
- A. It contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline:
- B. All in-line citations are from reliable sources, including those for direct quotations, statistics, published opinion, counter-intuitive or controversial statements that are challenged or likely to be challenged, and contentious material relating to living persons—science-based articles should follow the scientific citation guidelines:
- C. It contains no original research:
- D. It contains no copyright violations nor plagiarism:
- A. It contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline:
- Is it broad in its coverage?
- A. It addresses the main aspects of the topic:
- B. It stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style):
- A. It addresses the main aspects of the topic:
- Is it neutral?
- It represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each:
- It represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each:
- Is it stable?
- It does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute:
- It does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute:
- Is it illustrated, if possible, by images?
- A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
- B. Images are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
- A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
- Overall:
- Pass or Fail:
- Pass or Fail:
Miscellaneous, by section
[edit]- Lead
- "first reigning monarch to set foot in the continental United States" — The first reigning monarch from any nation, or the first from the Kingdom of Hawaii? This should probably be specified (and linked if the latter). Also, is "continental" United States relevant here?
- Adding "of any nation" seems to on the nose. No issue with continental in my opinion. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I get the "continental" question. Until Hawaii became a state, the US was all on one continent, even if you count the purchase of Alaska. I added that word, but was probably going for consistency as their trip was technically "across the continent". But not exactly the same thing as using it in the lead. Minor issue, so I removed the word. — Maile (talk) 18:41, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "the king put up with the relentless attention" — Is this from the aforementioned government officials and military representatives, or from members of the public as well? The use of the word "the" here implies that whoever is giving the relentless attention has already been mentioned.
- From the press. Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I changed it back. The lead is the summary. He was like a rock star of his day; people asked for his autograph. Everywhere he went, people wanted a piece of him - politicians, diplomats, judges of the US Supreme Court, the public, etc. People stood on rooftops in D. C. to see his carriage pass down the street. In San Francisco, they pitched financial ideas to him. He couldn't get off the train at a regular stop, without crowds of curiosity seekers mixed in the with local hoi polloi. In Missouri, the crowd was so large that the police had to sneak him in another entrance just to escort him to a planned reception. I'm not sure there's a brief way to say that in the lead. But, yes, it was relentless attention. — Maile (talk) 16:26, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I just tweaked this to say, "Although ill with a viral infection throughout much of his trip, the king accommodated the relentless attention of being in the spotlight across America." Maybe this is better. — Maile (talk) 23:28, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "The resulting close economic ties between the Hawaiian islands and the United States became a major factor leading to the overthrow of the Kingdom of Hawaii in 1893." — The main body of the article doesn't confirm that it was a "major" factor leading to the overthrow. This is a significant statement, so the lead section shouldn't be this specific (per WP:LEAD) unless it's also included in the main article body and referenced.
- It's mentioned in the final section. The economic ties led to the 1887 constitution and then the 1893 coup. Maybe Maile66 can explain it better. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- @Liveste: I'm not sure if I can explain it better, but the word "major" is not necessary in the body. That concept is explained in two sections of the article:
- "The quest for tariff easement" section explains the the need for the treaty. Sugar represented money, a lot of it. Countries they exported to were killing them on the tariffs, because those nations had their own sugar planters who did not have import taxes on their products. Hawaii planters wanted more profit. Hand-in-hand with the goal of lowering the taxes on sugar exports, the US kept trying to get the monarchy to sign over Pearl Harbor to them. 20 years before Kalakaua became King, the US tried to get Kahemahema III to sign over annexation of Hawaii to the United States. The greed that went into this was not subtle. Kalakaua himself was so-so lukewarm about a reciprocity treaty, but he was opposed to ceding Pearl Harbor to anybody. The kingdom's legislature passed a resolution to send him to D. C. to negotiate the reciprocity treaty.
- The "aftermath" section is (I thought) worded so it draws a chronological line from the reciprocity treaty to the overthrow of Hawaii. There was financial prosperity like the kingdom had never seen before. Kalakaua started spending money on grandiose schemes and surrounded himself with men who enabled him. A lot of missionary descendants and other non-natives got elected to the legislature, many of whom were not pleased with Kalakaua's wild spending and crooked friends. In 1887, Kalakaua was forced to sign a new constitution that allowed non-residents to vote, while excluding voting rights of non-whites. When the treaty was renewed, new wording gave exclusive use of Pearl Harbor to the United States. The kingdom was overthrown by non-residents who wanted Hawaii annexed to the United States. — Maile (talk) 17:20, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- The quest for tariff easement
- "with Oregon and California sugar refiners" — The state names should be adjectives.
- What is the suggestion here? KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
Not sure I understand this, either. It would be the same as "California grape growers" or "Iowa dairy farmers". — Maile (talk) 18:51, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I changed it to "sugar refineries in Oregon and California" — Maile (talk) 11:21, 27 October 2019 (UTC)
- "Profit margins were impacted by tariffs levied by importing nations, and the smaller locally owned operations were eclipsed by larger European- and American-owned plantations." — Just to clarify, are the European- and American-owned plantations in Hawaii, or were they competing plantations abroad that weren't subject to tariffs?
- Fixed - This was a blooper. I've corrected it. Europe and the United States had their own sugar planters, who were not getting slapped with import taxes. — Maile (talk) 19:08, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I just re-worded the whole first paragraph. Hopefully, it's more clear now. — Maile (talk) 12:03, 27 October 2019 (UTC)
- Actually, it's good this came up on this review. As I read through it, this seemed to be missing the element of how foreigners came to influence this issue. I've since added about the 1850 Alien Land Ownership Act that allowed foreigners to buy up good plantation land in Hawaii. — Maile (talk) 16:30, 27 October 2019 (UTC)
- San Francisco (November 28 – December 5, 1874)
- Second image in this section has the caption: "Kalākaua and his suite with Mayor James Otis and staff ...". Although the use of "suite" here is correct (it took me a while to find this out), it's also uncommon and potentially confusing. At first I thought it was referring to a hotel suite, which is how it's used elsewhere in the same section. Perhaps replace it with something similar like "royal party" (which is also used in the article).
- Changed to entourage. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "The royal party boarded three private cars provided by the rail company on December 5." — It took me a while to understand that these were "rail cars" rather than motor cars (in this case, provided by a rail company). Perhaps either specify "three private railroad cars", or at least link to railroad car.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- New Jersey and New York (December 23–30, 1874)
- "Spectators lined the December 23 route" — Does this mean the entire route travelled from December 23 to 30, or just the part of the route travelled on December 23?
- It means exactly what it says, the December 23 route, and the individual stations are so named. The source is dated December 24, so it doesn't cover anything after December 23..— Maile (talk) 19:38, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- For Ref 58, the dashes should be made consistent, since they don’t appear this way in the ref itself.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "New York's Park Theatre" — Apparently there were two Park Theatres in New York at this time: Park Theatre (Manhattan) and Park Theatre (Brooklyn). Do you know which one is meant here, to avoid possible confusion?
- According to the Wikipedia article, the Manhattan theatre was destroyed by fire in 1848, so it wasn't that one. The sources do not say which theatre it was, but that's a pretty common name for a theatre. There could have been others that Wikipedia doesn't have an article on. I think we should err on the side of caution and not link the theatre. — Maile (talk) 19:58, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- New England (December 31, 1874 – January 9, 1875)
- "New Bedford had been the point of origin for many whaling ships and missionaries sent to Hawaii. The day after stopping in New Haven, they accepted an invitation from Bedford's Mayor George B. Richmond to visit the town." — There's a Bedford, Massachusetts and a New Bedford, Massachusetts. The ref confirms they went to New Bedford, so the second sentence should specify "New Bedford" as well to avoid confusion. Also, it'd be useful to write "New Bedford, Massachusetts" at the start of the first sentence, to clarify that the party had gone to a different state.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "and attended by 100 master mariners" — The ref says nearly 100 master mariners.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "visits to the Merchants Exchange, the Massachusetts General Court." — These should be separated by an "and".
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- Refs 76 and 77: It took a while to determine that what preceded the ref info were actually direct quotes. Is there a better way to display these? Also, I think there should at least be a space between the direct quote and the ref info.
- Question: Not sure I understand this. I don't see any direct quotes in this section. What I see as Refs 76 and 77 are two very short clips that merely source the statement that this was the point in his trip when he began back in the direction of Hawaii. — Maile (talk) 19:24, 26 October 2019 (UTC) Also, with some edits I made in other places, I think these are now Refs 70 and 80. — Maile (talk) 21:02, 27 October 2019 (UTC)
- Aftermath
- "Exported products for 1890 … was $13,282,729.48. (all figures given are Hawaiian dollars)" — I think this needs some slight rewording. Perhaps replace with something like: ""Exported products for 1890 … earned $13,282,729.48 (in Hawaiian dollars)."
- Changed .KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- "As the kingdom's income rose, so did Kalākaua's expenditures (all figures given are Hawaiian dollars): $343,595 to build and furnish Iolani Palace; a delayed coronation in excess of $50,000; a $75,000 public celebration of his 50th birthday." — This might need some rewording, especially if it's not certain that this is an exhaustive list of his expenditures. Also, the semicolons aren't needed and can be replaced with commas. I'd recommend something like the following (added words in bold, semicolons replaced): "As the kingdom's income rose, so did Kalākaua's expenditures (all figures given are Hawaiian dollars): this included $343,595 to build and furnish Iolani Palace, a delayed coronation in excess of $50,000, and a $75,000 public celebration of his 50th birthday."
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
Optional
[edit]The following points aren't specifically covered in the GA criteria, so whether they are addressed or not won't have any effect on the outcome of the GA nomination. But I'd still recommend looking at them in any case. Some of these I can even do myself if there are no objections.
- Recommend removing a few duplicate links (not counting those in the lead)
- §The quest for tariff easement: Kamehameha III, Queen Emma
- §Washington, D.C. (December 12–22, 1874): Hamilton Fish
- §New England (December 31, 1874 – January 9, 1875): United States Army, United States Navy - don't see duplicate links in these
- §Missouri (January 18–20, 1875): William Tecumseh Sherman
- §Return to Hawaii (January 27 – February 15, 1875): Kamehameha V
- §Aftermath: Iolani Palace
- Excellent catches on this. Delinked the dups. — Maile (talk) 18:20, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- The link to MOS Hawaii-related articles should be removed from the "See also" section, per MOS:LINKSTYLE (not strictly included in the GAC, though). The link currently on the talk page should be more than sufficient.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- I think the following categories should be removed from the article: Category:1875 treaties, Category:Free trade agreements of the United States, Category:Treaties of the Kingdom of Hawaii and Category:Treaties of the United States. These categories are more relevant to Reciprocity Treaty of 1875 (or a potential Category:Reciprocity Treaty of 1875) than to this article.
- I'm personally not going to mess with the categories. These things are often added through people using Twinkle tools, and I don't know who added what. — Maile (talk) 20:16, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- Query on ref 45: I'm not sure why multiple sources are lumped together in the one reference, and used to source two entire paragraphs here. Was it too messy to separate them for individual sentences? Not problematic, but a bit unusual IMO.
- Sources with basically travel itinerary thus more sources needed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- Visuals and neatness, in my case. Those are short paragraphs. There was enough itinerary info at each stop to break it into two separate paragraphs. Both sources contain information of both stops. — Maile (talk) 18:02, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- Query on orthography: should "Iolani Palace" be spelled with the ʻokina, like in the main article ʻIolani Palace? I wasn't sure on this point.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- Abbreviation styles: this is related to what came up in the FAC, but it might be a good idea to make abbreviations styles more consistent: for example, the article has both "Washington, D.C." (with full stops) and also "US" (without full stops). Neither style is wrong though, so it doesn't strictly need to be fixed here.
- Changed. KAVEBEAR (talk) 15:13, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
Overall comments
[edit]The review is on hold while the above items are addressed. Feel free to discuss any concerns with the items in this review. Cheers. – Liveste (talk • edits) 09:20, 24 October 2019 (UTC)
- @Liveste:, I think @KAVEBEAR: and I have addressed all issues raised. Let us know if we missed anything, or you see anything else. Thanks for all the time you put into this. — Maile (talk) 20:19, 26 October 2019 (UTC)
- @Liveste:, just checking in, are you still here? You haven't edited since October. KAVEBEAR (talk) 02:59, 1 December 2019 (UTC)
- KAVEBEAR, Maile, I have just requested a second opinion/second reviewer, since Liveste's editing history indicates that they sometimes step away from Wikipedia for many months at a time. I'm hoping that either my post on Liveste's page will result in their imminent return (though not optimistic), or that a second reviewer will show up soon and be willing to take over the review and complete it. Thanks for your patience, and I hope someone shows up soon. BlueMoonset (talk) 21:03, 11 December 2019 (UTC)
- BlueMoonset, KAVEBEAR, Maile66, I'll step in and take a look at this article. Should have time to do the second-opinion review over the next few days. Ganesha811 (talk) 00:51, 13 December 2019 (UTC)
- KAVEBEAR, Maile, I have just requested a second opinion/second reviewer, since Liveste's editing history indicates that they sometimes step away from Wikipedia for many months at a time. I'm hoping that either my post on Liveste's page will result in their imminent return (though not optimistic), or that a second reviewer will show up soon and be willing to take over the review and complete it. Thanks for your patience, and I hope someone shows up soon. BlueMoonset (talk) 21:03, 11 December 2019 (UTC)
Second opinion review - template
[edit]I'll be using this template to do my review, after reading through the previous review of course. Ganesha811 (talk) 00:54, 13 December 2019 (UTC)
Rate | Attribute | Review Comment |
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1. Well-written: | ||
1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct. |
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1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation. |
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2. Verifiable with no original research: | ||
2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline. |
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2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose). |
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2c. it contains no original research. |
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2d. it contains no copyright violations or plagiarism. |
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3. Broad in its coverage: | ||
3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic. |
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3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style). |
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4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each. |
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5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute. |
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6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio: | ||
6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content. |
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6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions. |
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7. Overall assessment. |
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