Talk:Joshua Lionel Cowen/GA1

GA Review

Unsuccessful. Sammi Brie (she/her • t • c) 07:37, 18 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Sammi Brie (talk · contribs) 07:36, 18 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
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This is a quickfail. However, I'd like to pinpoint some of the myriad issues that have brought this page down. It needs another round of copyediting before coming back to GAN. There are stretches and sentences begging for more citations. With all due respect, I feel like I'm a judge on a cooking competition—and, more often than usual, your offerings are undercooked in ways that are peculiar to you. One more round of looking at this through fresh eyes would have sorely helped you! Sammi Brie (she/her • t • c) 07:36, 18 August 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

His first patented invention for a photographer's flash igniter for flash photography developed into a detonator for exploding mines for the US Navy. That resulted in a $12,000 (equivalent to $390,864 in 2021) defense contract from the United States Navy which gave him the money to go into the novelty business. Redundancy (why is US Navy mentioned twice in two sentences?) and an awkward start.
One thing lead to another and Cowen then developed a niche market for a Christmas gift for boys. This sentence has a spelling error, a commas in sentences problem, and even for a lead section, the phrase "one thing le[d] to another" is too informal. There are other C in S issues I'd flag throughout.

Early life

Several choppy-reading passages. e.g. He was the eighth child of nine in the family. His immigrant parents were Rebecca (née Kantrowitz) and Hyman Nathan Cohen. and The tube had at the end a socket similar to an Edison incandescent light bulb socket. A long metal pole screwed into this socket making electrical contact. At the end of this pole was a small horizontal metal trough holding some photographer's flash powder. This is an issue I've seen with your writing in general:
"He then took a position at the Acme Electric Lamp Company" From here to the end of the paragraph is hinging on one source. Consider increased citation density.

Mid life

allowed Cowen to set up production facility
September of 1900 should just be September 1900
One toy in a particular store window that got Copwen's attention Typo in the name of the subject.
Consider linking Baltimore and Ohio Railroad for B&O
the nations largest railroad company apostrophe, please

References

I will note that there are no copyvio issues. One suggestion... I see some harv refs with fake author names like "LSJ3_15" when there is no author. To do this correctly, use {{sfnref}} in the |ref= parameter. See Help:Shortened footnotes#Linking for more info. Also consider archiving with WP:IABOT.

Image issues

Where did File:Lionel_Flash_Lamp.jpg come from? It's a very poor vectorization/digitization, to the point of looking fake with the Times New Roman text. That typeface did not exist in 1899. Also, File:Lionel Trains - 1929 advertisement.jpg is similarly a shoddy-ish reproduction designed to mimic older work. I would not accept either image at GA. The other images are fine for use, though alt text would be nice.

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.