Talk:Josh Bartelstein/GA1

GA Review

Unsuccessful. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:02, 30 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Gonzo fan2007 (talk · contribs) 20:15, 24 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this one. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:15, 24 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
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Comments

In the lead, He played college basketball for Michigan as a walk-on and a 3x Academic All-Big Ten honoree. missing "was" after "and"
- Thx-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:29, 30 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
Can you speak to his birth year/birth date? Where is the sourced?
The "Early life" section needs to be more focused. I would recommend creating a new "High school" section, but also tightening up details.
- I know this was the DYK hook, but the whole paragraph starting with Because his father seems extraneous at best. This could probably be summed up to Because of the connections his father made, Bartelstein met many famous athletes and even worked out with Mo Williams, Bobby Simmons, and Kirk Hinrich.
- Individual details of high school games just aren't relevant ("made a steal...")
- Go through this section and really work to either combine sentences, remove superfluous details or summarize in a more succinct way. It really has too much detail.
The "College" section is also way too detailed. For a player who in four years only played a total of 56 minutes (like 1.5 total games in 4 years), this section should be a paragraph of two, tops.
- The whole last half of the third paragraph has almost nothing to do with the topic of the article and just talks about the team. For someone who barely played on the team, this is excessive.
- The article notes that even though he was "captain", the real leaders of the team were others. The whole fourth paragraph seems superfluous at best. Not sure the relevance, but even if you want to say he played with a number of NFL draftees, naming each one seems excessive, especially considering his limited role on the team.
The "See also" section isn't helpful and should be deleted.
In the "External links" section, "stats" should be capitalized in both bullets

TonyTheTiger, at this time I am leaning towards a fail due to 3B, namely that this article is excessively long and too detailed. However, I am happy to give you a few days to see if you can focus it up. Happy to come back and re-review after. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:42, 24 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

- Just getting to look through this review.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:37, 30 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
- I think I will accept the fail at this time.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 15:32, 30 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]
  - Ok, best of luck with it in the future. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:02, 30 August 2023 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.