Talk:John Mayberry Jr.

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:John Mayberry, Jr./GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Secret (talk · contribs) 21:01, 8 March 2014 (UTC)

I'll be reviewing this article per request in the next few days. Thanks Secret ^account 21:01, 8 March 2014 (UTC)

• The basketball statement is not mentioned in the main body of the text, and "he was suited for basketball" is not in the source, remove.
• "Ultimately, however, baseball was his first love, and in the 2002 Major League Baseball Draft, the Seattle Mariners drafted him out of high school (28th overall), however he chose not to sign, instead attending Stanford, where he played three years before being drafted, played for the United States national baseball team at the World University Baseball Championship in 2004." That's one huge run-on sentence with grammar issues as well, fix.
• "ultimately reaching Triple-A (AAA) level" Wikilink Triple-A
• "With the Phillies, he started in AAA, however was called up to the Phillies' major league team by May of the succeeding year, hitting a home run as his first major league hit in his first game." Doesn't flow right... fix the obvious grammar issue between "however" and "was" and rewrite the second half of the sentence
• "Though he was sent back to the minors a few weeks later and spent the majority of the 2009 and 2010 seasons there, he returned to the major league squad in 2010 as a September callup, and has remained their since, absent a short stint in Triple-A in 2011." a incomplete run-on sentence? wow
• "Mayberry opened the 2011 season with the major league Phillies, and played over 100 games on the big-league club, splitting time between outfield and first base, as well as pinch hitting." Major league is redundant, big-league club should be "them"
• He remained with the big-league club in 2012, and played predominantly in left field early in the season, and subsequently as the team's everyday centerfielder following a trade. What trade?
• "expectations for him were low, and he still managed to fail to live up to them, hitting just .227 with 11 home runs." If expectations were low, how can someone still fail to meet them, sounds like PoV, remove.
• "Mayberry has never reached his full potential as a major league player." Again personal opinion, remove.
• "Mayberry has a degree in political science, and once aroused controversy over the method by which he sought to attain a date with a character from Pirates of the Caribbean." I'm not sure if the second part is necessary from the lead, seems too minor of a controversy.

I caught at least 13 errors just in the league in the lead, which is too much. This article needs a proper copyedit by an uninvolved copyeditor and I'm failing the article for now as the prose is a mess. Ask someone in WP:BASEBALL to got through the prose and renominate it for GA where I will re-review it. Sorry Secret ^account 17:04, 15 March 2014 (UTC)

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:John Mayberry, Jr./GA2. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Secret (talk · contribs) 14:48, 29 March 2014 (UTC)

I'll be re-reviewing the article this week per request. Secret ^account 14:48, 29 March 2014 (UTC)

The article is better than the last time I reviewed it but there is still some serious prose issues...

• "he is 6 feet 6 inches (1.98 m) tall and weighs 234 pounds (106 kg)" I don't understand why this needs to be in the lead, anyways seems like a random placement at the send of a sentence with "high school".
• "Ultimately, however, baseball was his first love," Well Ultimately and however contradict itself, remove one word.
• Lead too long per WP:LEAD, try to reduce it some, the last paragraph isn't needed so is the basketball mention.
• "However, he chose not to sign, instead attending Stanford, where he played three years before being drafted, before playing for the United States national baseball team at the World University Baseball Championship in 2004." - Still a huge run-on sentence
• "With the Phillies, he started in AAA, but was called up to the Phillies' major league team by May." - grammar issue with "by".
• "He hit a home run as his first major league hit in his first game." Could be rephrased better.
• "following the departure of the Phillies' former centerfielder as part of a trade." - the player should be named, I said it in the last review but wasn't fixed.
• "the same high school as David Cone." - Trivia, remove
• "While there, he was named a first-team All-USA player and third-team All-American." By whom?
• "Out of high school, Mayberry..." "Out of high school" is redundant as the reader already know he was playing high school sports, remove.
• " As a freshman in 2003, he had both a 7-game" be consistent with numbers under 10 per WP:MOS
• "That year, he batted .333 with 16 home runs, 62 RBI, and 9 stolen bases" - what year?
• "Upon finishing his career, Mayberry was ranked second among active players" I'm lost? Active players in NCAA or Stanford?

This article is riddled with prose issues, come to IRC to discuss this further as this is going to be a lengthy review. I would have quick failed this article again, but considering I failed it once already, I'll be nice and we can discuss the issues affecting this article. Thanks Secret ^account 21:38, 30 March 2014 (UTC)

After contacting the GA reviewer via IRC, all my concerns seems satisfied. Passing Secret ^account 01:57, 31 March 2014 (UTC)