Talk:John Deacon/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: FunkMonk (talk · contribs) 22:11, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

What have we here, I'll take this one. FunkMonk (talk) 22:11, 26 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"A younger sister, Julie" Not sure if it is too formal, but for some reason, I would like to read "his younger sister, Julie"... The current wording seems a bit overly formal, but that's probably just me.

I think that does scan a bit better, so fixed. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 13:01, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"a reel to reel tape recorder to stream music directly off the radio." I guess the term "stream" is used retroactively here (hardly known as streaming at the time I guess)? Could perhaps have quotation marks?

Streaming as a concept certainly didn't exist back then; what I was trying to do here was avoid repetition of "record" twice in quick succession. I've changed this around. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 13:01, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"from Richard Young, the founding member." Though it might seem obvious, perhaps add "founding member of that band"?

Fixed Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 13:01, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

What genre did his first band play?

According to all sources, it was just typical teenage bar-band stuff, no different to thousands of other bands. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 13:01, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

There is a bit of overlinking, especially noticeable with Oadby, which is linked in two consecutive sections.

I need to come back to this, but I've fixed the multiple Oadbys for now. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 13:01, 15 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"though the group did not make a lasting impression on them at the time." On him?

Copyedited. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"By this time Queen had already been formed by Freddie Mercury, Brian May, and Roger Taylor, and Deacon even saw them in October 1970, though the group did not make a lasting impression on them at the time." I think this sentence could perhaps be split after Taylor's name, to prevent Deacon being mentioned right after the flow of band members in the same sentence? Also, could perhaps mention the date of Queen's forming here?

I've quickly done a copyedit Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"In late 1970, he briefly formed a band called Deacon" Anything on what they played?

Haven't a clue I'm afraid, the source doesn't mention anything. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

You mention three prior bassists, but which of them did he replace?

I've cleared that up, the article had the bassists in chronological order but it wasn't obvious. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"in order to make him "sound more interesting"." Who made this decision?

Don't know I'm afraid, the source doesn't say. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"but it was also credited to the other band members." Why not just say it was co-written with the other band members?

Fixed. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"He also played some guide guitar parts on the album" I guess these were later replaced?

Good question. Possibly, possibly not. Given May was happy to use Deacon's amp and electronic devices, and for him to play some the guitars, it's possible he only recorded anything that was sub-bar. Since they've probably forgotten a 40-year old recording session, we may never know. :-/ Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Could dates be mentioned for each album and song mentioned, for context? For example in the sentence "He later wrote the hit "Another One Bites The Dust". "Later" is very vague.

Don't see why not. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"direction away from classic rock." Is that really how they referred to it themselves?

I've removed "away from classic rock" - just saying they wanted to change musical direction will suffice. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:57, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

The last part of Career mentions other bands he played with, shouldn't they be mentioned as associated acts in the infobox then?

I've done this, though I'm not convinced it's a definite improvement myself Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"Selected Queen album tracks:" Selected based on what? Why not just list them all? Likewise with "Selected solo efforts:"?

There are too many, so I've just mentioned the ones documented in reliable sources per WP:INDISCRIMINATE. Queen discography can cover this in more depth. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"hit Deacon the hardest out of all the surviving members of Queen." This doesn't seem to be what the source says? As far as I see, it only says "The singer's death in November 1991 has proved a brutal blow to Deacon."

Changed Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Who has replaced him after he retired from Queen?

Technically, nobody has, though they have obviously have had touring bassists, who I've dropped in. Neil Fairclough seems to have been round the block a few times with various bands so I think it's worth giving him a redlink. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 16:37, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"The other members have said that he handled most of the band's finances." Why is this in personal life, when it is important to the band's history/career

This is a duplicate of an earlier section, looks like I forgot to trimmed this. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"with the etymology: "I name this" Mention who named this animal?
"Heteragrion (Odonata : Zygoptera)" I'm sure some or all of these terms could be linked? Also, add "the damselfly genus Heteragrion".

I have to be honest that I haven't got a clue what to do with this - this is more your area of expertise. Can you do something with it? Could we just get rid of the section (it is trivia after all and doesn't really violate the "broad in coverage" part of the GA criteria too much to leave it out). Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 16:37, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Yeah, I certainly don't think it warrants an entire section, but it also seems a shame to remove it... If he had a broader legacy or influence section (or even a "see also"), it could be put there. Anywhere else you think it could be placed? FunkMonk (talk) 17:22, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I've trimmed it down to one sentence and popped it in the relevant timeline of the "history" section. Since it sits in between people talking about his influence in the past, it's probably the best place for it. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:42, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"He became Queen's fourth bass player in 1971 aged 19 on the strength of his quiet demeanour and electronic skills, particularly the home-made Deacy Amp which guitarist Brian May used to create guitar orchestras throughout Queen's career." Little of this info is present outside the intro (which should not have unique info).

Trimmed and reorganised Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"became the group's best selling single in the US." Only mentioned in intro.

Trimmed. I don't know why we're singling out this song here amongst all the other hits. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 18:40, 16 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Hi FunkMonk, sorry I've been away for Easter. Several other people have worked on the article since I improved it up to GA, so there may be quite a bit of work to do, but I'll hopefully get on the issues later today. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 10:40, 29 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

FunkMonk, are you still waiting for the above to be resolved? This review seems to have been abandoned as Ritchie hasn't been around since March 31st, and there haven't been very many edits aside from back-and-forth reverts since you placed this on hold. Snuggums (talk / edits) 18:12, 17 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Oh, Ritchie333's gone? Perhaps a ping will work? FunkMonk (talk) 18:40, 17 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I have been snowed under with more work than I know what to do with. I've pulled the review for now, and might revisit it when I get time. Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 11:14, 27 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Alright, no rush from my side, if you want to do it at a slow pace, we can do that too. FunkMonk (talk) 12:19, 27 May 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@FunkMonk: Right, sorry about the looooooooooong wait (hey, think how Deaky felt every time Brian went into his "Brighton Rock" guitar solo....) I think I've addressed more or less everything one way or another, but some things (very specifically the insect species) need further work. Can you take another look? Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 16:37, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Ah, that was a quick fix after all! I think it looks well now, the bug sits better where you moved it... So I'll pass. FunkMonk (talk) 17:48, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Cool, cheers! We got there in the end :-) Ritchie333 ^(talk) ^(cont) 17:53, 17 November 2016 (UTC)[reply]