Talk:Johannes Latuharhary/GA1
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA Review
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Reviewer: Vami IV (talk · contribs) 16:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
Opening statement
[edit]Hello, and come what may from this review, thank you for your contributions to Wikipedia. During the review, I may make copyedits, which I will limit to spelling correction and minor changes to punctuation (removal of double spaces and such). I will only make substantive edits that change the flow and structure of the prose if I previously suggested and it is necessary. The Nominator(s) should understand that I am a grammar pedant, and I will nitpick in the interest of prose quality. For responding to my comments, please use 
Done, 
Fixed, 
Added, 
Not done, 
Doing..., or 
Removed, followed by any comment you'd like to make. I will be crossing out my comments as they are redressed, and only mine. A detailed, section-by-section review will follow. –♠Vami_IV†♠ 16:41, 17 April 2020 (UTC)
Lead
[edit]Per MOS:HON, do not include honorifics or titles that precede the subject's name.
Removed
An early proponent of Moluccan inclusion in the Indonesian state
This would be better in the first paragraph of the lead, rather than the start of the second.
Done
Sarekat Ambon
Describe?
Added
Early life and education
[edit]Latuharhary was the first Moluccan to achieve a Meester in de Rechten (Master of Law) degree from Leiden when he received it in June 1927.
Condense, a la:Latuharhary became the first Moluccan to receive a Meester in de Rechten (Master of Law) degree from Leiden in June 1927.
Fixed
with PI's leaders
Use either "the PI's leaders", or "PI leaders".
- Fixed
Dutch East Indies
[edit]editor of SA's [...] applied for SA [...] and SA did not join [...] in SA's third congress
the SA
- Fixed
formed trade cooperative for Moluccans
Should be plural.
- It was a single cooperative, but Fixed by adding an "a"
- It was a single cooperative, but
participated in PPPKI's congress
the PPKI
- Fixed
setup or restores
"set up", and "restored"
- Fixed
What's Parindra?
- Added
Japanese occupation and early independence
[edit]Following the Japanese invasion and takeover,
- Added
Latuharhary alongside other Parindra leaders were arrested and imprisoned.
Reorder this, a laLatuharhary and other Parindra leaders were arrested and imprisoned.
- Fixed
Japanese Navy admiral
Do you know who exactly (it's cool if you don't), and you can safely delete "Navy". The Army didn't have many Admirals.
- No name in the source, unfortunately. Navy Removed
- No name in the source, unfortunately. Navy
On September 1942
In September 1942
- Fixed
In late 1944, he was again arrested after a Moluccan prisoner escaped from a prison, with the Japanese authorities being particularly suspicious of Ambonese after the Battle of Morotai and the strategic bombing of Ambon in 1944, further fueled by Allied espionage operations in the Moluccas led by Ambonese Julius Tahija.
Too long.
- Fixed Split into two sentences
the Japanese began giving out promises of Indonesian independence
Condense.
- Fixed
meeting of Ambonese leaders in Java on May 1945
Got a specific date?
- Source only mentioned "May 1945", sorry
passing over statements
Passing out statements?
- Fixed Poor wording, but reworded.
Japanese authorities wanted the Ambonese to stop resistance activities and participate in the independence movement.
Did the Japanese want the Ambonese to not participate in the independence movement? If they did want them to, add an "instead" before "participate".
- Fixed
He was also opposed to the inclusion of the seven words dengan kewajiban menjalankan syariat Islam bagi pemeluknya (an obligation of sharia for Muslims) due to its consequences for non-Muslims and to its impact on customary laws, and later also opposed a proposition by Wahid Hasyim that only Muslims would be allowed to become President and/or Vice President, noting that the majority Christian regions in Indonesia would not be willing to be part of an Islamic state.
Too long.
- Fixed by splitting into 2 sentences
Furthermore, Latuharhary opposed
ConsiderLatuharhary also opposed
.
- Fixed
Eventually, the Protestant Latuharhary (alongside the other Christian representative Alexander Andries Maramis) yielded following Sukarno's request.
"the Protestant Latuharhary" puts the cart before the horse. Reword? I'm seeingEventually, Latuharhary and other Christian representatives yielded to Sukarno's request.
- Singular other, so I kept the name. Otherwise Fixed.
- Singular other, so I kept the name. Otherwise
Later on, Latuharhary was further appointed to BPUPKI's successor
When? Do not be vague here.
- Added date
Delete "Later on".
- Removed
Later on, however, the clauses preferring Islam was removed
Change to "The clauses preferring Islam were later removed". With this was one clause, change "were" to "was".
- Fixed, and split the sentence as well, that's quite long in retrospect.
Revolution
[edit]Latuharhary was appointed as the Governor of Maluku
By whom? And axe "as the".
- Added. No names per se, but the organization.
alongside governors for 7 other formed provinces.
Numbers smaller 10 need to be written (MOS:NUMERAL).
- Fixed
after him and
after he and
- Fixed
After having earlier formed the Angkatan Pemuda Indonesia Ambon/API-Ambon (Ambonese Indonesian Youth Movement) on 5 September
Split this from the sentence it's currently attached to; if it's relevant to Latuharhary calling a meeting of Moluccan leaders, I'm not aware of it.
- Fixed
but on 13 October one of the nationalist-affiliated groups
Replace "one of the" with "a", and unpluralize "groups".
- Fixed
against Dutch, Eurasian and the Ambonese,
Confusing. Reads as though the Ambonese are Dutch and equal to white Dutchpeople. Was that the perception of the nationalist group('s declaration)? Missing "the" before "Dutch", too.
- Fixed grammar. Yeah, the Ambonese in this context were considered "Dutch henchmen", so to say.
Later on, however, Hatta came along and the request was granted
Could you word this more clinically?
- Fixed, changed to "intervened"
Sukarno abolished the post of the Governor of Maluku in July 1947,[52] due to the establishment of the United States of Indonesia in the Linggadjati Agreement.[53]
Condense the first half and move it to the back.
- Fixed, hopefully
Governorship
[edit]Latuharhary arrived in Ambon on 12 December 1950, with most of the city having been destroyed by the fighting between TNI and the RMS.
Condense.
- Fixed, added a link too
- Excellent. –♠Vami_IV†♠ 06:44, 1 May 2020 (UTC)
Legacy
[edit]In 1965, the Johannes Latuharhary was briefly detained in the United States during a period of tensions with Indonesia.
What sort of ship is/was this?
- Added. Cargo vessel mentioned before.
GA progress
[edit]Good Article review progress box
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The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.