Talk:Jessica Gomes/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: MusikAnimal (talk · contribs) 22:45, 5 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I think this sounds like a good deal :) This will be either my 2nd or 3rd review, first BLP. It's brevity makes me confident that I will be thorough enough, but obviously let me know if you disagree with anything I have to say. I'll start reading through it this weekend with comments soon to follow. — MusikAnimal ^talk 22:45, 5 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Issues

My concerns are as follows, organized by section.

Lead

All but the first sentence begins with the words "She is". I feel improvement could be done to make the lead flow nicer and sound less repetitive. What are your thoughts?

fixed--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:27, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“She has strong followings in ... the East Coast hip hop community”

While not likely to be challenged, I was unable to find references elsewhere in the article that support this claim.

Since she has worked for Sean Combs, Jay-Z and Rick Ross it should not be challenged. Current citation number 6 includes a paragraph that begins "A major hip-hop fan, she also became something of a mascot for the closeknit A-list East Coast hip-hop community through a combination of serendipity and professional bookings." How would you suggest this issue be addressed?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:11, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I'm content your justification. Being the reviewer I just wanted to be thorough and inquire. Per WP:CITELEAD the absence of a reference in this case is acceptable given there is sourced content to support it in the body of the article, which is the case, so I think we're fine :) — MusikAnimal ^talk 17:14, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Modeling career

“For promotional use, she played baseball with the Korean baseball team LG Twins which led to celebrity-status in South Korea.”

Link rot is a bitch. The official website now contains no biographical content, perhaps we could locate a new source?

Found.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 08:39, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“Between her spokesmanships and Korean television show appearances, she had reached iconic status in Korea by 2013.”

I think iconic may be too strong of a word here given the provided reference. How about a more generic, perhaps neutral word like "celebrity"?

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:31, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“In the industry, she is regarded as a "nontraditional" beauty”

I don't consider this required, but I do wish there was an additional source to support describing Gomes' as "nontraditional" to help attribute it as an "industry"-wide interpretation. Oceandrive quotes this word choice from a single editor of Sports Illustrated.

I have clarified the attribution.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:35, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I have made changes throughout this section that I hope you agree with – namely moving info on Korean ad campaigns to the Campaigns section, and adding some clarification. I still think there is a lot of repetition here, as with "she is" and "she has" etc, but I think it certainly meets GA criteria on prose, so I'm going to calm down and stop being so picky for once. — MusikAnimal ^talk 01:51, 11 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Campaigns

“She has appeared in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Glamour, American Glamour, Italian GQ and Victoria’s Secret catalogue”

I hate to be nitpicky, but the provided source does not mention anything about Gomes' being in Italian GQ.

Removed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:39, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Much like the lead section, some of this section reads like it may have been reformatted from a list into sentences without adding prose. That is, each fact is simply prepended with "she is," "she signed," etc. Maybe some sentences could be concatenated to avoid word repetition.

I have mixed things up a bit.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:45, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“In 2013, she was listed at number 6 [on Maxim Australia's Hot 100], making her the only person from Western Australia ranked above number 30.”

Maybe I'm blind, but I'm not seeing anything in the reference supporting that she is the only person from Western Australia to break the top 30 in Maxim.

The source must have been revised. I have removed the now-unsourced content.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:53, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“That year, she was featured in a bodypainting layout as a canvas for bodypaint artist Joanne Gair, who was in her tenth year of producing bodypaint art for the Swimsuit Issue.”

Again with the gosh-darned link rot – however I must question the relevance of noting Gair's tenure at Sports Illustrated.

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:06, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Other

Same issue as with lead and campaigns sections involving potential need for improvement in prose.

I have made a minor change that I hope makes a difference.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:00, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

“She was featured in a Yoga video entitled Body Art.”

Personal

“Her brother is named Nathan.”

In my opinion this may be considered off-topic, or perhaps more information could be added about her brother to make it more relevant.

Typically in a GA, we want to include as much information about a persons family as possible. I.e., we want to name them all and give basic identification whenever possible.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 06:55, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

You would know more than me! WP:BLPNAME states mention of non-notable family members should be omitted if not properly sourced, which it is, so no qualms. — MusikAnimal ^talk 02:12, 11 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

And that's all I've got. Again please let me know if you disagree about anything. — MusikAnimal ^talk 05:44, 9 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Y Looks good! The article, I mean, not just the subject's picture Congrats! — MusikAnimal ^talk 02:12, 11 December 2013 (UTC)[reply]